Double Team

I spent a good chunk of my life making fun of this movie. How could you not really? Van Damme and Dennis Rodman? This movie flat out deserves to be ridiculed. It quickly started to build a reputation as one of the worst movies ever and if any of our friends actually confessed to liking it, we would usually just stomp on their throat until they admitted their mistake. However a strange thing happened a couple of weeks ago. I actually sat down and watched the movie...and it was kind of awesome.

I can't believe I'm saying it but it's true. Double Team was just a little awesome. It was stupid yes...but fuck was it ever entertaining. I would also like to believe that the movie had no idea how ridiculous it actually was. That just makes it so much better.

The movie is so off the wall fucking insane that you just have to keep watching, if only to see just what the hell is going to happen next. Van Damme faces down a tiger in a stadium full of land mines while defending a baby. That's just a taste. There is tons more weird shit in there that I would never dare spoil. Double Team is something to experience, not read about.

Dennis Rodman is as expected, pretty terrible. However his presence just adds to the overall fucked upedness of the movie, so you can't even fault him too much. The action is ok, although there does seem to be a lot of slow-motions jumping away from explosions. In fact I remember one scene where it happened like three times in a row.

I could not believe I enjoyed this movie as much as I did. It wasn't because of the high quality of the thing, just the bizarreness of it all. It's just damn entertaining.

7/10

Punisher War Zone

NOTE: THIS IS ACTUALLY A REVIEW I WROTE FOR THIS MOVIE FOR MY BLOG LAST YEAR. MY OPINION OF IT HASN'T REALLY CHANGED SO I JUST COPIED IT WORD FOR WORD. CLEARLY IT WAS WRITTEN LAST YEAR DUE TO REFERENCES IN THE REVIEW, BUT WHATEVER. FUCK OFF.

The Punisher seems like he should be the easiest character ever to make a movie about. Slap a badass in a skull shirt and have him kill people. Sounds simple enough right? Well up until now we had 2 movies try it and fuck it up. I didn't full out hate the 2004 version, but I agree with most people that it really didn't feel like the Punisher, at least not until the very, very end of it all. This movie goes the EXACT opposite route. The last movie took about 100 minutes to get to the violent Punisher kills, this movie however, takes maybe 100 seconds. Now that is more like it. This movie still isn't great, but for a Punisher movie, it's a definite step in the right direction. Also smashing a dude's face in with your first...always a great direction to step towards.

War Zone sort of feels like someone gave a decent budget to a cheesy 80's movie. Everything about this movie feels like something you would have seen from that timeframe. The oneliners, the over the top villians, the story itself...but you know what, it sort of works. It's a fucking ride. You laugh and enjoy yourself, knowing full well the movie is ridiculous but who cares? The Punisher himself is pretty fucking ridiculous. I mean...did you read the part about smashing a guy's face in with a single punch?

The action here is pretty standard, but pretty entertaining too. Lots of shootouts and the usual. The editing didn't suffer from the quick cuts like most recent movies do. They're there of course but they don't ruin it as much as they do some other movies. Plus I don't know if you heard this or read it anywhere, but this movie does contain a moment where a fist caves a face in.

I do think Thomas Jane made a great Punisher and it's really too bad he didn't come back for this one too. Ray Stevenson is still very good though. He fits the role quite well. The bad guys are crazy over the top in terms of acting. The main villain's brother was pretty god damn bad though. As was Julie Benz I thought. But whatever, you can look past the acting if it means seeing a fist smash in a face...which you do.

Overall this one is worth checking out if you're a Punisher fan you felt let down by the last movie attempt. It's a pretty good watch, but certainly not on par with well, just about every other comic book movie that came out this year. But then I don't remember Batman, Incredible Hulk, or Iron Man smashing a face in at any point. So maybe this one was the best actually.

7/10

Pinocchio

I haven't seen this movie in probably at least 15 years. I do think it's the only movie during the course of my entire life where immediately after it ended, i rewound it and watched it again right away. I have never done that since. 

We mostly rewatched this movie because it was the blu-ray release of it. This is my first experience with a Disney Blu-ray and fuck does this thing ever look great! It's almost unbelievable what an amazing job they did with the transfer of this. It looks brand new. When you factor in the age of the movie it's just mind blowing. This is absolutely one of the most impressive blu-rays I have seen so far.

As for the movie itself, there really isn't a whole lot for me to say about it. It's a classic, everybody knows that. However despite saying that, it's not my favourite of the Disney animated features. I don't think I would even put it in my top 5. I was always an Aladdin kind of guy. This is still a really good one though.

Maybe as a kid I never really noticed it but this movie is really fucked up. The idea of a puppet coming to life alone is pretty insane. But then when you have that puppet dance in a play, go to some magic island where he smokes, drinks and then turns into a donkey, only to have him come home and immediately be swallowed by a whale under his own free will? Well....shit. That's quite something right there.

Pinocchio is undeniably a classic and it looks incredible in its blu-ray transfer. No matter what, even if you aren't a huge fan of the movie, I would recommend picking this disc up because it really does look that amazing.

8/10

Death Wish

This is a movie series I have been meaning to get to for quite some time now. I love me a good vigilante movie and since this is pretty much where that whole genre goes back to, it made sense for me to watch it.

Sure enough, this is a really solid movie that I really wish I could get into a lot of detail about but well, it was weeks ago and again, I just don't remember it that well. It is a slow burn of a vigilante movie that moves along quickly and has a main character that you can root for.

People love watching average people blow away bad guys. It's just human nature. It's just satisfying. It doesn't make me weird. You love it too. Admit it. That's what I thought.

Plus you get to see Jeff Goldblum in his very first role playing a mugger/rapist/gang member/piece of shit.

Damn I know I had more to say about this movie after I first watched it too. There were even little details I was filing away to talk about. Now that's all gone and all I'm left with to say is that it's Charles Bronson killing assholes so if you're a fan of that kind of thing, which needless to say you are, then check it out.

7.5/10

Laid to Rest

You know these movie reviews are actually more fun to write when they're just really quick write-ups where I don't even think about what I'm going to say. That may change when I'm finally caught up with this damn thing, but in the meantime, this works really well for me.

As with Splinter, I was really surprised but how good Laid to Rest was. Sure its the standard slasher stuff we've seen before. The story is nothing special and we never really get the explanation behind the killer that we want, but it still makes for a pretty damn entertaining movie.

The acting is slightly above average, although the characters motivations are just as stupid as you would expect in this kind of movie. The reasons they can't use cell phones and such get more and more ridiculous as things go one. I've always theorized that the invention of the cell phone was the worst thing to ever happen to horror movie writers and this movie really helps to prove that theory. Still you kind of root for them, at least the main characters. Pretty much everyone else is brought in simply to die a quick and gory death.

The deaths certainly do bring the gore. It's rare when a slasher movie can show you a kill you can honestly say you haven't seen before but this one does it a few times. Dude gets his fucking face cut right off. Right off! Face! Wow.

The killer is actually pretty menacing with his awesome chrome skull mask. Like I said though you really never get enough backstory about him. Although with movies like the Halloween remake and such, maybe it's best they don't explain him since I'm sure it falls back to that whole "dad was an asshole" shit.

Laid to Rest was a pleasant surprise. It is flawed, but wow is it ever better than most horror that we get these days.

7/10

Bloodsport

I remember way back in probably grade 4 that all my friends were obsessed with this movie. They would even write stories based on it during our creative writing period, which is kind of fucked up. I of course wasn't allowed to watch it because of the violence and such. Whatever. I had The Sandlot, I was fine.

So now, 16 odd years later I finally got to see what it was all about. Well I can certainly see why all of those 8 year-olds liked it. It's full of action, it's kind of ridiculous, lots of good fights and let's be honest, it pretty much just flat out kicks ass.

Again I watched this weeks ago so details are hazy and I'm really trying to keep these reviews short so I can finally catch up on all of them. But I highly enjoyed this movie. Yea it's cheesy and kind of fucking stupid, but it's fine. Plus Van Damme does the splits like 15 times. He has every right to show that shit off so you can't even fault him for constantly doing it.

There's one great scene where he is outrunning these government guys to this lame 80's pop song. It could be one of my favourite scenes in any movie ever. Great stuff.

Kid me would loved this movie for sure, but adult me really enjoyed it too.

7.5/10

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

It feels kind of nice to finally return back to the Godzilla movies. Unfortunately this one is simply not very good. In fact it's been so long I really don't remember a thing about it. It hasn't even been that long. It's been a few weeks, but I can't remember a damn thing about it. Not one moment, one line of dialogue, one visual...nothing.

I don't remember hating the movie. Definitely not. I do think I was pissed at how much singing there was? That seems like a strange complaint to have about a Godzilla movie but I remember thinking it more than once.

So...I guess it's ok but it has too much singing? That's all I got for ya.

5/10