Death Wish

This is a movie series I have been meaning to get to for quite some time now. I love me a good vigilante movie and since this is pretty much where that whole genre goes back to, it made sense for me to watch it.

Sure enough, this is a really solid movie that I really wish I could get into a lot of detail about but well, it was weeks ago and again, I just don't remember it that well. It is a slow burn of a vigilante movie that moves along quickly and has a main character that you can root for.

People love watching average people blow away bad guys. It's just human nature. It's just satisfying. It doesn't make me weird. You love it too. Admit it. That's what I thought.

Plus you get to see Jeff Goldblum in his very first role playing a mugger/rapist/gang member/piece of shit.

Damn I know I had more to say about this movie after I first watched it too. There were even little details I was filing away to talk about. Now that's all gone and all I'm left with to say is that it's Charles Bronson killing assholes so if you're a fan of that kind of thing, which needless to say you are, then check it out.

7.5/10

Laid to Rest

You know these movie reviews are actually more fun to write when they're just really quick write-ups where I don't even think about what I'm going to say. That may change when I'm finally caught up with this damn thing, but in the meantime, this works really well for me.

As with Splinter, I was really surprised but how good Laid to Rest was. Sure its the standard slasher stuff we've seen before. The story is nothing special and we never really get the explanation behind the killer that we want, but it still makes for a pretty damn entertaining movie.

The acting is slightly above average, although the characters motivations are just as stupid as you would expect in this kind of movie. The reasons they can't use cell phones and such get more and more ridiculous as things go one. I've always theorized that the invention of the cell phone was the worst thing to ever happen to horror movie writers and this movie really helps to prove that theory. Still you kind of root for them, at least the main characters. Pretty much everyone else is brought in simply to die a quick and gory death.

The deaths certainly do bring the gore. It's rare when a slasher movie can show you a kill you can honestly say you haven't seen before but this one does it a few times. Dude gets his fucking face cut right off. Right off! Face! Wow.

The killer is actually pretty menacing with his awesome chrome skull mask. Like I said though you really never get enough backstory about him. Although with movies like the Halloween remake and such, maybe it's best they don't explain him since I'm sure it falls back to that whole "dad was an asshole" shit.

Laid to Rest was a pleasant surprise. It is flawed, but wow is it ever better than most horror that we get these days.

7/10

Bloodsport

I remember way back in probably grade 4 that all my friends were obsessed with this movie. They would even write stories based on it during our creative writing period, which is kind of fucked up. I of course wasn't allowed to watch it because of the violence and such. Whatever. I had The Sandlot, I was fine.

So now, 16 odd years later I finally got to see what it was all about. Well I can certainly see why all of those 8 year-olds liked it. It's full of action, it's kind of ridiculous, lots of good fights and let's be honest, it pretty much just flat out kicks ass.

Again I watched this weeks ago so details are hazy and I'm really trying to keep these reviews short so I can finally catch up on all of them. But I highly enjoyed this movie. Yea it's cheesy and kind of fucking stupid, but it's fine. Plus Van Damme does the splits like 15 times. He has every right to show that shit off so you can't even fault him for constantly doing it.

There's one great scene where he is outrunning these government guys to this lame 80's pop song. It could be one of my favourite scenes in any movie ever. Great stuff.

Kid me would loved this movie for sure, but adult me really enjoyed it too.

7.5/10

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

It feels kind of nice to finally return back to the Godzilla movies. Unfortunately this one is simply not very good. In fact it's been so long I really don't remember a thing about it. It hasn't even been that long. It's been a few weeks, but I can't remember a damn thing about it. Not one moment, one line of dialogue, one visual...nothing.

I don't remember hating the movie. Definitely not. I do think I was pissed at how much singing there was? That seems like a strange complaint to have about a Godzilla movie but I remember thinking it more than once.

So...I guess it's ok but it has too much singing? That's all I got for ya.

5/10

Cyborg

While I'm in this phase of watching all the classic action movie stars (although what the hell ever happened to my Jackie Chan movie marathon? that lasted 2 movies! anyway..) it just made sense to start visiting the works of Jean Claude Van-Damme (who will be referred to as simply JC from now on). JC is an actor I am not familiar with at all. I have seen and enjoyed Sudden Death and Hard Target and that's really it. I'm not sure why I chose this one to start with, but Cyborg is not a great way to begin my journey into the world of JC.

Apparently the director originally wanted this movie to have no dialogue whatsoever but was not allowed to do so. You can actually kind of tell that was the plan because even now, nobody really talks in this thing. There are long stretches of silence. Granted some of the performances would have been better if the actors just weren't allowed to talk, it doesn't make for that exciting of an action movie.

One thing I found interesting about this movie is how much time JC spends either running away from people or getting the shit kicked out of him. Sure he has a few fights here and there where to gets to kick an ass or two. However much of his time is spent losing fights or avoiding them altogether. It didn't really make the movie any better, but it was something different. It's even a little strange that JC would choose this movie as one of his first starring vehicles (if not his actual first, not quite sure about that) when it doesn't do a terrific job of showcasing his abilities.

The whole movie is just very...whatever. I won't lie I actually ended up fast-forwarding through huge chunks of it because I really just didn't give a shit about anything that was happening. Blah.

4/10

Kill Switch

Another recent entry in the Steven Seagal DTV catalogue. Not sure why I chose to go with this next, especially after hearing it was considered one of the worst from the era. The plot sounded like something different for Seagal, since he was hunting serial killers in this one, so I decided to give it a shot. In the end, it turned out to be strangely entertaining, but not always because it was a quality movie.

The first issue that has to be addressed is of course Seagal himself. I will give him credit because he apparently wrote this screenplay and the script manages to tell a generic, but competent story. Many of Seagal's recent movies just don't make any sense so it's nice to see one that is pretty simple and straight forward. 

So although he managed to pull together a decent enough script, he just can't do the same with his performance. For some baffling reason he attempts this sort of souther accent the whole time and no surprise, he can't pull it off. He uses a lot of terms such "lahd have mercy" and it's laughable. The whole tone of the movie is so dark and gritty that Seagal's cartoonish performance sticks out like a sore thumb. However it does end up being one of the most enjoyable parts of the entire movie.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the editing in this movie is beyond fucking annoying. I have no idea how anyone thought this was a good route to go with the editing for this thing. It's so quick and fucking stupid. You can never tell what is going on in the fights, or often during scenes where people are just standing around and talking. The movie also has this strange tendency to keep showing shit three times. Sometimes it's something maybe sort of cool like a man being thrown out of a window. But then there are other times where it's something pointless like Seagal looking to the left. Has his career really hit such a rock bottom level that we should be fucking impressed that he moved his head to one direction? So impressed we had to see it multiple times even?

The fights in this movie are a mess, and not just because of the fast-paced, terrible editing either. There aren't that many fights and the ones we do get, last for fucking ever. The final fight is just 7 minutes of Seagal slamming this guy around and kicking the shit out of him. Also by Seagal, I mean a stunt double who really looks nothing like him, a fact the movie barely even tries to hide. I don't think Seagal gets hit even once, but then that's another problem I have with many of his movies...he never gets hurt.

Despite all of the above problems, there is something about this movie that makes it strangely watchable. It's certainly not the bland story or the god awful editing. A lot of is Seagal's bizarre performance, but I don't know. I was never bored and the inept nature of the movie did hold my interest, as did the fucking random ending.

5.5/10

Audition

I had known about this movie for quite some time. It's reputation is pretty legendary in the world of cinema. All I ever heard about was how fucked up the last 15 minutes were. Even going into the movie knowing that, and knowing a good chuck of what happens during those 15 minutes, it certainly doesn't make it any easier to sit through.

The entire movie is basically lead-up to that final act. If you had no idea what this movie was about you would swear that it was some sort of romantic comedy. It isn't until maybe 45 minutes in that the movie immediately switches gears and you let you know that shit ain't right. How do they let you know? A girl staring at a phone for hours on end, waiting for a phone call, and then a sack on the floor behind her all of a sudden comes to life and flies across the room. A pretty jarring moment for a movie that has been tame up until that point.

So from that point on the movie does a very good job at creating a sense of dread, or at least it would if I didn't know where everything was leading. I won't lie, knowing the ending of this movie really takes away a lot from it. Clearly you are supposed to have no idea where things are going and the movie does do a good job of throwing you off course. I just wish I could have experienced it the way it was meant to be.

The movie is very slow in the beginning, which of course was intentional. It's very dialogue heavy and purposely slow-paced. I did get bored. Even parts of the second half were quite dull, but I understand the point of making everything boring before really flying off and going bat shit crazy.

The last 15 minutes is just as fucked up as you may have heard. It's still not the worst thing I have seen in a movie. Hell it's not even the worst thing I have seen in a movie I've watched this year. But it's pretty bad and I can see why a lot of people were revolted by it. 

I just really wish I didn't know the ending of this movie because that would have made the experience so much more visceral and effective. As is, it was a well-made movie that does a great job building suspense and then shifting gears in the final act. Just go in with as little knowledge of the movie as humanly possible.

7/10