Cyborg

While I'm in this phase of watching all the classic action movie stars (although what the hell ever happened to my Jackie Chan movie marathon? that lasted 2 movies! anyway..) it just made sense to start visiting the works of Jean Claude Van-Damme (who will be referred to as simply JC from now on). JC is an actor I am not familiar with at all. I have seen and enjoyed Sudden Death and Hard Target and that's really it. I'm not sure why I chose this one to start with, but Cyborg is not a great way to begin my journey into the world of JC.

Apparently the director originally wanted this movie to have no dialogue whatsoever but was not allowed to do so. You can actually kind of tell that was the plan because even now, nobody really talks in this thing. There are long stretches of silence. Granted some of the performances would have been better if the actors just weren't allowed to talk, it doesn't make for that exciting of an action movie.

One thing I found interesting about this movie is how much time JC spends either running away from people or getting the shit kicked out of him. Sure he has a few fights here and there where to gets to kick an ass or two. However much of his time is spent losing fights or avoiding them altogether. It didn't really make the movie any better, but it was something different. It's even a little strange that JC would choose this movie as one of his first starring vehicles (if not his actual first, not quite sure about that) when it doesn't do a terrific job of showcasing his abilities.

The whole movie is just very...whatever. I won't lie I actually ended up fast-forwarding through huge chunks of it because I really just didn't give a shit about anything that was happening. Blah.

4/10

Kill Switch

Another recent entry in the Steven Seagal DTV catalogue. Not sure why I chose to go with this next, especially after hearing it was considered one of the worst from the era. The plot sounded like something different for Seagal, since he was hunting serial killers in this one, so I decided to give it a shot. In the end, it turned out to be strangely entertaining, but not always because it was a quality movie.

The first issue that has to be addressed is of course Seagal himself. I will give him credit because he apparently wrote this screenplay and the script manages to tell a generic, but competent story. Many of Seagal's recent movies just don't make any sense so it's nice to see one that is pretty simple and straight forward. 

So although he managed to pull together a decent enough script, he just can't do the same with his performance. For some baffling reason he attempts this sort of souther accent the whole time and no surprise, he can't pull it off. He uses a lot of terms such "lahd have mercy" and it's laughable. The whole tone of the movie is so dark and gritty that Seagal's cartoonish performance sticks out like a sore thumb. However it does end up being one of the most enjoyable parts of the entire movie.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the editing in this movie is beyond fucking annoying. I have no idea how anyone thought this was a good route to go with the editing for this thing. It's so quick and fucking stupid. You can never tell what is going on in the fights, or often during scenes where people are just standing around and talking. The movie also has this strange tendency to keep showing shit three times. Sometimes it's something maybe sort of cool like a man being thrown out of a window. But then there are other times where it's something pointless like Seagal looking to the left. Has his career really hit such a rock bottom level that we should be fucking impressed that he moved his head to one direction? So impressed we had to see it multiple times even?

The fights in this movie are a mess, and not just because of the fast-paced, terrible editing either. There aren't that many fights and the ones we do get, last for fucking ever. The final fight is just 7 minutes of Seagal slamming this guy around and kicking the shit out of him. Also by Seagal, I mean a stunt double who really looks nothing like him, a fact the movie barely even tries to hide. I don't think Seagal gets hit even once, but then that's another problem I have with many of his movies...he never gets hurt.

Despite all of the above problems, there is something about this movie that makes it strangely watchable. It's certainly not the bland story or the god awful editing. A lot of is Seagal's bizarre performance, but I don't know. I was never bored and the inept nature of the movie did hold my interest, as did the fucking random ending.

5.5/10

Audition

I had known about this movie for quite some time. It's reputation is pretty legendary in the world of cinema. All I ever heard about was how fucked up the last 15 minutes were. Even going into the movie knowing that, and knowing a good chuck of what happens during those 15 minutes, it certainly doesn't make it any easier to sit through.

The entire movie is basically lead-up to that final act. If you had no idea what this movie was about you would swear that it was some sort of romantic comedy. It isn't until maybe 45 minutes in that the movie immediately switches gears and you let you know that shit ain't right. How do they let you know? A girl staring at a phone for hours on end, waiting for a phone call, and then a sack on the floor behind her all of a sudden comes to life and flies across the room. A pretty jarring moment for a movie that has been tame up until that point.

So from that point on the movie does a very good job at creating a sense of dread, or at least it would if I didn't know where everything was leading. I won't lie, knowing the ending of this movie really takes away a lot from it. Clearly you are supposed to have no idea where things are going and the movie does do a good job of throwing you off course. I just wish I could have experienced it the way it was meant to be.

The movie is very slow in the beginning, which of course was intentional. It's very dialogue heavy and purposely slow-paced. I did get bored. Even parts of the second half were quite dull, but I understand the point of making everything boring before really flying off and going bat shit crazy.

The last 15 minutes is just as fucked up as you may have heard. It's still not the worst thing I have seen in a movie. Hell it's not even the worst thing I have seen in a movie I've watched this year. But it's pretty bad and I can see why a lot of people were revolted by it. 

I just really wish I didn't know the ending of this movie because that would have made the experience so much more visceral and effective. As is, it was a well-made movie that does a great job building suspense and then shifting gears in the final act. Just go in with as little knowledge of the movie as humanly possible.

7/10

Stone Cold

I can't say I'm very familiar with the works of former NFL player Brian Bosworth. I know he drove drunk not too long ago, but then what actor hasn't now? Therefore it seemed about time to go take a look at his first attempt to conquer the world of action movies. 

It's a strange phenomenon when Hollywood tries to make a movie star out of some random athlete. They tried it with Dennis Rodman, Howie Long, of course Bosworth who we're here to talk about. Now the trend seems to be trying to make action stars out of WWE wrestlers, which has met with at least decent success in my book. I didn't mind The Condemned and The Marine was strangely awesome. 

Now like I said I really don't know a whole lot about Bosworth, but after my first look at him in this movie, I immediately judge everyone who helped make him popular. Sure it was the early nineties and this sort of thing was maybe more acceptable but my god! Bosworth's entrance into this movie is one of the most unintentional funny moments I've had in a movie in quite some time. He has this bizarre mullet thing going where all the makings of the mullet are there, but then the sides are shaved and....you know you pretty much just have to see it. 

Actually the opening scene is full of unintentional comedy. The whole scene takes place in a grocery store that's being robbed. One of the first things the robbers do (well one of them at least) is shoot the shit out of a shelf of Ritz Crackers. It doesn't even look like it's for the sake of mindless mayhem either. To me it looks like the robber turns towards those Ritz and intentionally destroys them. He doesn't even destroy any other food. I can't even think of one logical reason some robber would hate Ritz Crackers enough to destroy a whole shelf of them. Ritz are fucking delicious. Ever put cheese on them? God damn! There might be some sort of bizarre under current of Ritz prejudice, but the movie sadly doesn't deal with that.

Well that's certainly the most I've ever written about crackers in a movie so let's move on. It's not hard to see why Bosworth never really caught on as an action star. He's pretty bland overall. He handles the action ok, and granted the role doesn't call for a whole lot in terms of acting, but he's just not an engaging presence. The supporting cast does better with a few actual recognizable faces.

The movie is your standard plot about a cop going undercover in a biker gang and it hits all the story threads you're probably expecting. It actually is a little dull overall. There are some fun cheesy moments scattered here and there, but it's not a very good movie, even on that so bad it's good level. The last 10 or 15 minutes is pretty damn good though, and almost worth sitting through the rest of the movie for. It's a huge shootout/bike chase in a court house and it's pretty damn entertaining.

The first 5 minutes and the last 15 sort of make this movie worth watching. The whole middle though, not so much.

5.5/10

Out For A Kill

It's about time I started getting around to the Seagal movies. This is an odd one to start out with though. It's one of the DTV ones, and not even one of the more recent ones. Just a completely random one. I think this movie is from that period where Seagal was releasing 4 or 5 movies each year. It was fun because I was working at a video store at the time and we seemed to get a new Seagal movie every few weeks. There were the rare movies that almost nobody on the staff watched.

This wasn't my first venture into the world of Seagal DTV movies, but I don't remember much about the other ones. This one isn't exactly the terrible mess I was expecting, but it's certainly not a very good movie. I think the title is probably the best part. It makes the murders sound very casual.

What's interesting about this movie, as well as all of the ones Seagal does these days, is how little Seagal really does these days. Usually a stunt double does all of the fighting, and sometimes Seagal's voice is even completely dubbed over. So I guess they're just hiring him for the name now? Granted I guess he has a hand in a lot of the stories but still. 

At least in Out For A Kill he does seem to be using his own voice. He even does a good chunk of his own fighting. There are a couple of shots where it's a very obvious stuntman, but usually you can tell it's Seagal, so kudos there I guess. It's kind of strange that a movie gets extra points for its action star actually appearing in it and doing his own talking, but Seagal calls for special circumstances.

There is some action here, and for a DTV movie some of it is pretty good. Of course when judging a DTV movie, you have to cut it some slack. There's a few good fights here and there, especially in the second half. However the overall movie is pretty dull. Seagal does indeed step out for a few kills, but a lot of the movie is just him out for a conversation. Plus it goes without saying the acting isn't terrific, but again, it's ok.

There are of course the moments of unintentional humour you'll find in most of the later Seagal pictures. Often times a stunt is put in slow motion that in no way deserves it. Things like jumping. Apparently they were so fucking amped about jumping that we just had to see it again. There's also a funny moment where Seagal's character is in jail and his cellmate starts to tell him the story about how he got there, only for the movie to cut him off mid-sentence and move on to something else. Plus just the idea of Seagal playing a Harvard (or maybe it was Yale...something prestigious anyway) professor is funny by itself.

Out For A Kill is actually a better movie than I ever could have expected. That being said it's still not very good. Mediocre story, mediocre acting and a lot of slow patches lead to this one being slightly above watchable.

5.5/10

Crank: High Voltage

The first movie I saw when I moved to go to college (for the second time) was Crank. Therefore it was all too fitting that as soon as I finished my last of my final year, I headed straight over to the theatre to watch the sequel. I have to believe that the guys who make these movies actually planned that. It was such a fitting and awesome bookend to school.

I loved the first movie and was pretty damn excited for this one. I fully embraced the stupid premise, which many people don't seem capable of doing. Even the movie itself acknowledges how stupid it is, so you can't fault them too much. But of course Crank High Voltage is not the movie you go and see for deep plot and characters, you go to see it in order to watch 80 minutes of really fucked up stuff. This one delivers that in spades.

I've mentioned before (maybe not in this blog actually, definitely in the old one) that I will watch just about everything Jason Statham does. The man is infinitely watchable and can kick an ass like nobody's business. The problem is that most of the movies he's in are not that good. He usually ends up being the best part because he always seems to put in the effort, even when the movie may not really deserve it. He fully fucking commits to Crank 2. He has to do some ridiculous shit in this movie but he really throws himself into it and it adds so much to the movie. He really does become a live action cartoon.

My reviews really seem to have a formula going now. Plot-main actor-supporting cast-movie as a whole-wrap-up. Oh well it works. The supporting cast is good here. Amy Smart seems to get more to do here and same with Statham, really gives her all in the role and even gets to beat the shit out of Corey Haim, which is pretty great. The villains are pretty underdeveloped but meh. You pretty much just want to see Statham kill them so I can let that slide. 

The most fun though is all of the cameos that show up in this movie. None of them are huge stars, but more recognizable faces. The trailers have sadly given away a lot of them but there are still some fun ones in there that I'm not going to spoil here.

Crank High Voltage really embraces the whole idea that these are just a live action video game. The score often sounds like something you might hear in an old 8-bit video game. There is even a sequence where Statham keeps killing people and upgrading his weapon. Each time he gets a new one it plays a little bit of triumphant game music. Later when he loses a crucial item it makes a sound similar to when Pac-Man dies. It's goofy, but fun.

That pretty much describes the whole movie. It does take things about 10 steps further than the first movie. You really never know just what the hell is going to come next. There is one part I thought was a little stupid, and this is also the point where a couple of people walked out. For the most part though I had a lot of fucking fun with this movie. It's random, fun, and really never does let up. The term "non-stop action" is thrown around a fucking lot but in this case it's very, very true. 

Same with Observe & Report, I can really see how this movie would divide people. Anyone who liked the first SHOULD like this one. Anyone who didn't, or has no clue what Crank is, stay far the fuck away.

8.5/10

Observe & Report

Fuckin' Paul Blart Mall Cop. First it's trailer and stupid title show up and insult me with their mediocrity. Then the movie as a whole offends me with it's overall lack of effort. Then it has to go and make 150 million dollars, maybe even more by this point. Now it's pretty much tainted the release of Observe & Report. Every single review usually starts off with "Oh goody another mall cop movie." The one thing that I take comfort in is knowing there must have been so many people who took their kids and family to see this, thinking it was another nice mall cop movie. Then the actual movie must have just destroyed their faces when they watched it. Though even that pleasant thought is tainted by the knowledge that those same families then yelled at the theatre employees for it, instead of taking some fucking responsibility for being so stupid.

Anyway, the movie itself. The first trailers were ok, but it was word of mouth that really got me interested in this movie. I just kept hearing about how dark and fucked up it was and how all these studios didn't want to release the movie because of its ending. All of this really got me excited to watch it. I think all of that hype was a bit much though. The movie is definitely a dark comedy and it will certainly have a lot of people divided. However it's not nearly the fucked up movie I was expecting. 

It is cool to see Seth Rogen doing something different. There are moments when he falls into the usual mannerisms and dialogue, but this character is a pretty different beast than we're used to seeing with Rogen. He actually gets to cry and emote in a couple scenes and he does a damn good job. I was impressed. The man may be ready for some more dramatic roles, although I'm guessing the upcoming Funny People will expand on that a little more.

The supporting cast does great as well. Anna Faris is still sort of playing the bimbo role she usually does, only here that bimbo is a terrible fucking person. Usually she is stupid but likable, but here she is just a manipulative bitch. She does well too, so hopefully this means that she will be branching out as well. However we already knew she was good at different roles thanks to May and Lost in Translation, she just seems to have gotten away from that.

Ray Liotta, well it's just nice to see him in a movie again. It's great to hear that creepy laugh of his. Even when he laughs like this when he's playing a good guy you just can't help but think that he's seconds away from eating a small child or a puppy. 

People who watch this expecting a typical hilarious comedy are going to be surprised and angry. It's definitely funny, but not the usual humour I'm sure Rogen fans (and mall cop movie fans, which is a subgenre of fans that I never thought would exist, and I'm not that happy that they do) are used to. A lot of it is character based, a lot of it is awkward, and a lot of it is really fucking dark. For the most part though it works, although there are a few patches that are pretty laugh-free.

I enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would. A lot of it comes down to the cast, but the humour works and I got oddly wrapped up in the story. You don't normally associate comedies with having a plot where you really have no clue what's going to happen or where it's going. This one really has that though. It's certainly not for everyone and I would be very hesitant about who I would recommend it to, but if you're looking for something different then I would give this one a shot.

7.5/10