It's actually a little strange that I've actually seen this movie. It was supposed to be one of the first movies I watched in my 2008 movie marathon and it just never showed up. However after countless delays Fanboys has finally made it on to DVD. After all that time was it worth the wait? Eh.
After watching it, I really can't see why this movie never got a proper theatrical release. It's not hilarious by any means, but it's decent and I'm sure it's better than a lot of the other comedies that have gotten huge releases this year and last. In fact I know it's better than most of them. So what the hell?
I know there was a huge thing about the cancer subplot and whether they should take it out. After seeing it with the cancer subplot I do think it's better with that in there, but if anything I think there should have been even more of it. Right now it almost feels like it was an afterthought, not the original plot device. It feels shoe-horned in so hopefully there are some deleted scenes that flesh it out a little further.
The cast is pretty good, with a ton of great cameos scattered throughout the movie. The only weak link really is Dan Fogler. Maybe by now Hollywood realized that he really isn't funny because I haven't seen him around lately. He really isn't funny though and it's made a lot worse by how fucking hard he tries to be. It's not as bad as that dude from College, but it's pretty bad.
Overall Fanboys is a pretty average movie. There are a few funny moments but a lot of it does fall flat and the plot needs to be fleshed out more. It is pretty cool to actually have seen it but I was really hoping it would be better.
6/10
Monday, May 18, 2009
Star Trek (2009)
I am in no way a Star Trek fan. I think I have seen one of the movies and a couple episodes of Next Generation. I wasn't into either of those things. The only reason I was excited for the movie was because of JJ Abrahms, being a huge fan of Lost and all. I went with my fiancee who is a huge Star Trek fan so I was interested to see who would actually enjoy it more. It turns out, we both loved it!
Star Trek easily ranks as the year's biggest surprise because I went in really thinking that I would not enjoy this movie. I had an absolute blast with it. I've heard from a few hardcore Star Trek fans that this is the best movie yet. It actually got me a little interested in going back and watching some of the old Star Trek shows and movies, that's how god damn good it was.
The first thing that blew me away is the casting. Everyone is fantastic in the role. Chris Pine kicks ass at Kirk and manages to make the character his own without ever reminding people that he should be William Shatner. You could tell even by looking at screenshots that Zachary Quinto would make a good Spock but it's even more effective when you actually watch him as the character. Karl Urban is perfect as McCoy, and Simon Pegg (although he doesn't show up until quite late in the game) is also great as Scotty. In fact let's just end it by saying everyone is super fantastic awesome in this thing....although I will also have to give special mention to a surprisingly badass Sulu played by none other than Harold and Milf guy, John Cho.
The story is also surprisingly good here. It can get a little hard to follow at times but overall it's well written and keeps you interested, unlike Wolverine did. The opening scene has gained a reputation and rightfully so, it's amazing. The credits could have rolled as soon as that scene was done and I still think everyone would have walked away satisfied.
You also get some really solid action sequences here, although the best one happens around the halfway point in the movie and none of the other ones really manage to top it. Some really good edge of your seat stuff and the crowd really ate it all up.
I really liked that I actually got all of the classic references to the show too. They really made this movie for fans and non-fans alike, which is appreciated. It also was also a lot more fun than I thought it would be. It never took itself too seriously (another problem I had with Wolverine actually that I never mentioned in my review) and balanced the heavy and light stuff very well.
If there was anyone who could make me like Star Trek, it was totally JJ Abrahms and he certainly proved it here. Great, great stuff. This is officially the summer movie to beat now.
9/10
Star Trek easily ranks as the year's biggest surprise because I went in really thinking that I would not enjoy this movie. I had an absolute blast with it. I've heard from a few hardcore Star Trek fans that this is the best movie yet. It actually got me a little interested in going back and watching some of the old Star Trek shows and movies, that's how god damn good it was.
The first thing that blew me away is the casting. Everyone is fantastic in the role. Chris Pine kicks ass at Kirk and manages to make the character his own without ever reminding people that he should be William Shatner. You could tell even by looking at screenshots that Zachary Quinto would make a good Spock but it's even more effective when you actually watch him as the character. Karl Urban is perfect as McCoy, and Simon Pegg (although he doesn't show up until quite late in the game) is also great as Scotty. In fact let's just end it by saying everyone is super fantastic awesome in this thing....although I will also have to give special mention to a surprisingly badass Sulu played by none other than Harold and Milf guy, John Cho.
The story is also surprisingly good here. It can get a little hard to follow at times but overall it's well written and keeps you interested, unlike Wolverine did. The opening scene has gained a reputation and rightfully so, it's amazing. The credits could have rolled as soon as that scene was done and I still think everyone would have walked away satisfied.
You also get some really solid action sequences here, although the best one happens around the halfway point in the movie and none of the other ones really manage to top it. Some really good edge of your seat stuff and the crowd really ate it all up.
I really liked that I actually got all of the classic references to the show too. They really made this movie for fans and non-fans alike, which is appreciated. It also was also a lot more fun than I thought it would be. It never took itself too seriously (another problem I had with Wolverine actually that I never mentioned in my review) and balanced the heavy and light stuff very well.
If there was anyone who could make me like Star Trek, it was totally JJ Abrahms and he certainly proved it here. Great, great stuff. This is officially the summer movie to beat now.
9/10
X-Men Origins Wolverine
Iron Man was such a great kickoff to the summer last year. I had hopes that Wolverine would do something similar and turn out to be the movie of which all other summer movies this year are measured against. Sadly...not so much.
I can't even really put my disappointment with this movie into...good...words. It was just underwhelming I thought. Everything is there to make this a great movie, but it all falls short in one way or another.
Hugh Jackman is still great in the role. He isn't as impressive as he was back when we first saw him do it (man that entrance in the first X-Men movie was great) but he is clearly comfortable in the role and fits it perfectly. It is a little too bad that a lot of the one-liners he gets are pretty lame in this movie. Also I thought it was no longer cool to walk away from an explosion in slow motion? Maybe it isn't because this movie certainly didn't pull it off.
The storyline is pretty meh. We know a lot of it already, it's simply a matter of watching it play out. It's all pretty generic stuff when you break it down. Revenge, a couple of "who is the real bad guy" twists that you can see coming way beforehand, a love story that you never quite buy into, it's all here. It serves its purpose but it's never that engaging.
The action is decent, with a couple of stand-out sequences. The motorcycle chase is pretty awesome and some of the fights are good. Nothing is really like "holy shit awesome!" though. Iron Man's action sequences were infinitely better. Also a lot of the effects look pretty terrible. The first time Wolverine is looking at his new claws in the mirror looks like a bad video game. It's really jarring, and this isn't the only effect that's like that either.
It's cool to see some of the other characters from the comic book universe, the problem is that none of them really serve any purpose. Gambit is in and out, as is Deadpool, Blob, etc. It's cool to see them , but it really feels like nothing more than fan service.
Overall X-Men Origins Wolverine is a decent movie, but it could have been so much more. I think this will be the movie that you slowly start to forget about as the summer goes on.
6.5/10
I can't even really put my disappointment with this movie into...good...words. It was just underwhelming I thought. Everything is there to make this a great movie, but it all falls short in one way or another.
Hugh Jackman is still great in the role. He isn't as impressive as he was back when we first saw him do it (man that entrance in the first X-Men movie was great) but he is clearly comfortable in the role and fits it perfectly. It is a little too bad that a lot of the one-liners he gets are pretty lame in this movie. Also I thought it was no longer cool to walk away from an explosion in slow motion? Maybe it isn't because this movie certainly didn't pull it off.
The storyline is pretty meh. We know a lot of it already, it's simply a matter of watching it play out. It's all pretty generic stuff when you break it down. Revenge, a couple of "who is the real bad guy" twists that you can see coming way beforehand, a love story that you never quite buy into, it's all here. It serves its purpose but it's never that engaging.
The action is decent, with a couple of stand-out sequences. The motorcycle chase is pretty awesome and some of the fights are good. Nothing is really like "holy shit awesome!" though. Iron Man's action sequences were infinitely better. Also a lot of the effects look pretty terrible. The first time Wolverine is looking at his new claws in the mirror looks like a bad video game. It's really jarring, and this isn't the only effect that's like that either.
It's cool to see some of the other characters from the comic book universe, the problem is that none of them really serve any purpose. Gambit is in and out, as is Deadpool, Blob, etc. It's cool to see them , but it really feels like nothing more than fan service.
Overall X-Men Origins Wolverine is a decent movie, but it could have been so much more. I think this will be the movie that you slowly start to forget about as the summer goes on.
6.5/10
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Transporter 3
NOTE: SAME AS PUNISHER, THIS WAS TAKEN FROM MY OLDER BLOG. THEREFORE SOME OF THE REFERENCES MAY NOT MAKE A LICK OF SENSE NOW.
I love the Transporter movies and it’s no secret to anyone who has even glimpsed at this blog that I am a huge Jason Statham fan. I just feel he usually deserves better than what he gets. He didn’t start off the year well with Dungeon Siege, but he has really picked things up from there. Bank Job was good, Death Race was eerily entertaining, and now we have this. It’s not a great movie, it’s not even a very good movie, but it’s still entertaining.
The plot doesn’t really matter, nor has it mattered in any of the Transporter movies. At least not to me anyway. The plot is merely something that gets in the way of more people getting their asses kicked by hoses or whatever. In fact I can barely even remember what the plot of this one is. So there you have it.
The acting is fine. Jason Statham does his usual badass, raspy voice routine but well, he’s really fucking good at it so who can really say anything about that. The girl in this movie however was very annoying. I was actually mad when he started falling for her because as far as I could tell, she had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This movie would have gotten a 5/5 if Transporter has just punched her square in the face or vagina. Sadly he does not which is simply no good. Robert Knepper is ok as the main villain, although he is pretty much just playing T-bag from Prison Break.
The action in this one is pretty ok, but I would say the weakest in the series so far. The fights are good but suffer from that quick editing that is plaguing just about every action movie that comes out now. Of course it wouldn’t be a Transporter movie without some shit that makes you go “get the fuck out of here,” which this one delivers. Nothing quite compares to the bomb car in part 2, but there’s no amount of insanity that can top that anyway.
I would say this one is the worst in the Transporter series, but it’s still a decent enough movie. It’s not as gritty and awesome as the first one, and it’s not as off the wall fucking ridiculous in the 2nd one. Still pretty good watching though.
6/10
The plot doesn’t really matter, nor has it mattered in any of the Transporter movies. At least not to me anyway. The plot is merely something that gets in the way of more people getting their asses kicked by hoses or whatever. In fact I can barely even remember what the plot of this one is. So there you have it.
The acting is fine. Jason Statham does his usual badass, raspy voice routine but well, he’s really fucking good at it so who can really say anything about that. The girl in this movie however was very annoying. I was actually mad when he started falling for her because as far as I could tell, she had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This movie would have gotten a 5/5 if Transporter has just punched her square in the face or vagina. Sadly he does not which is simply no good. Robert Knepper is ok as the main villain, although he is pretty much just playing T-bag from Prison Break.
The action in this one is pretty ok, but I would say the weakest in the series so far. The fights are good but suffer from that quick editing that is plaguing just about every action movie that comes out now. Of course it wouldn’t be a Transporter movie without some shit that makes you go “get the fuck out of here,” which this one delivers. Nothing quite compares to the bomb car in part 2, but there’s no amount of insanity that can top that anyway.
I would say this one is the worst in the Transporter series, but it’s still a decent enough movie. It’s not as gritty and awesome as the first one, and it’s not as off the wall fucking ridiculous in the 2nd one. Still pretty good watching though.
6/10
Double Team
I spent a good chunk of my life making fun of this movie. How could you not really? Van Damme and Dennis Rodman? This movie flat out deserves to be ridiculed. It quickly started to build a reputation as one of the worst movies ever and if any of our friends actually confessed to liking it, we would usually just stomp on their throat until they admitted their mistake. However a strange thing happened a couple of weeks ago. I actually sat down and watched the movie...and it was kind of awesome.
I can't believe I'm saying it but it's true. Double Team was just a little awesome. It was stupid yes...but fuck was it ever entertaining. I would also like to believe that the movie had no idea how ridiculous it actually was. That just makes it so much better.
The movie is so off the wall fucking insane that you just have to keep watching, if only to see just what the hell is going to happen next. Van Damme faces down a tiger in a stadium full of land mines while defending a baby. That's just a taste. There is tons more weird shit in there that I would never dare spoil. Double Team is something to experience, not read about.
Dennis Rodman is as expected, pretty terrible. However his presence just adds to the overall fucked upedness of the movie, so you can't even fault him too much. The action is ok, although there does seem to be a lot of slow-motions jumping away from explosions. In fact I remember one scene where it happened like three times in a row.
I could not believe I enjoyed this movie as much as I did. It wasn't because of the high quality of the thing, just the bizarreness of it all. It's just damn entertaining.
7/10
Punisher War Zone
NOTE: THIS IS ACTUALLY A REVIEW I WROTE FOR THIS MOVIE FOR MY BLOG LAST YEAR. MY OPINION OF IT HASN'T REALLY CHANGED SO I JUST COPIED IT WORD FOR WORD. CLEARLY IT WAS WRITTEN LAST YEAR DUE TO REFERENCES IN THE REVIEW, BUT WHATEVER. FUCK OFF.
The Punisher seems like he should be the easiest character ever to make a movie about. Slap a badass in a skull shirt and have him kill people. Sounds simple enough right? Well up until now we had 2 movies try it and fuck it up. I didn't full out hate the 2004 version, but I agree with most people that it really didn't feel like the Punisher, at least not until the very, very end of it all. This movie goes the EXACT opposite route. The last movie took about 100 minutes to get to the violent Punisher kills, this movie however, takes maybe 100 seconds. Now that is more like it. This movie still isn't great, but for a Punisher movie, it's a definite step in the right direction. Also smashing a dude's face in with your first...always a great direction to step towards.
War Zone sort of feels like someone gave a decent budget to a cheesy 80's movie. Everything about this movie feels like something you would have seen from that timeframe. The oneliners, the over the top villians, the story itself...but you know what, it sort of works. It's a fucking ride. You laugh and enjoy yourself, knowing full well the movie is ridiculous but who cares? The Punisher himself is pretty fucking ridiculous. I mean...did you read the part about smashing a guy's face in with a single punch?
The action here is pretty standard, but pretty entertaining too. Lots of shootouts and the usual. The editing didn't suffer from the quick cuts like most recent movies do. They're there of course but they don't ruin it as much as they do some other movies. Plus I don't know if you heard this or read it anywhere, but this movie does contain a moment where a fist caves a face in.
I do think Thomas Jane made a great Punisher and it's really too bad he didn't come back for this one too. Ray Stevenson is still very good though. He fits the role quite well. The bad guys are crazy over the top in terms of acting. The main villain's brother was pretty god damn bad though. As was Julie Benz I thought. But whatever, you can look past the acting if it means seeing a fist smash in a face...which you do.
Overall this one is worth checking out if you're a Punisher fan you felt let down by the last movie attempt. It's a pretty good watch, but certainly not on par with well, just about every other comic book movie that came out this year. But then I don't remember Batman, Incredible Hulk, or Iron Man smashing a face in at any point. So maybe this one was the best actually.
War Zone sort of feels like someone gave a decent budget to a cheesy 80's movie. Everything about this movie feels like something you would have seen from that timeframe. The oneliners, the over the top villians, the story itself...but you know what, it sort of works. It's a fucking ride. You laugh and enjoy yourself, knowing full well the movie is ridiculous but who cares? The Punisher himself is pretty fucking ridiculous. I mean...did you read the part about smashing a guy's face in with a single punch?
The action here is pretty standard, but pretty entertaining too. Lots of shootouts and the usual. The editing didn't suffer from the quick cuts like most recent movies do. They're there of course but they don't ruin it as much as they do some other movies. Plus I don't know if you heard this or read it anywhere, but this movie does contain a moment where a fist caves a face in.
I do think Thomas Jane made a great Punisher and it's really too bad he didn't come back for this one too. Ray Stevenson is still very good though. He fits the role quite well. The bad guys are crazy over the top in terms of acting. The main villain's brother was pretty god damn bad though. As was Julie Benz I thought. But whatever, you can look past the acting if it means seeing a fist smash in a face...which you do.
Overall this one is worth checking out if you're a Punisher fan you felt let down by the last movie attempt. It's a pretty good watch, but certainly not on par with well, just about every other comic book movie that came out this year. But then I don't remember Batman, Incredible Hulk, or Iron Man smashing a face in at any point. So maybe this one was the best actually.
7/10
Pinocchio
I haven't seen this movie in probably at least 15 years. I do think it's the only movie during the course of my entire life where immediately after it ended, i rewound it and watched it again right away. I have never done that since.
We mostly rewatched this movie because it was the blu-ray release of it. This is my first experience with a Disney Blu-ray and fuck does this thing ever look great! It's almost unbelievable what an amazing job they did with the transfer of this. It looks brand new. When you factor in the age of the movie it's just mind blowing. This is absolutely one of the most impressive blu-rays I have seen so far.
As for the movie itself, there really isn't a whole lot for me to say about it. It's a classic, everybody knows that. However despite saying that, it's not my favourite of the Disney animated features. I don't think I would even put it in my top 5. I was always an Aladdin kind of guy. This is still a really good one though.
Maybe as a kid I never really noticed it but this movie is really fucked up. The idea of a puppet coming to life alone is pretty insane. But then when you have that puppet dance in a play, go to some magic island where he smokes, drinks and then turns into a donkey, only to have him come home and immediately be swallowed by a whale under his own free will? Well....shit. That's quite something right there.
Pinocchio is undeniably a classic and it looks incredible in its blu-ray transfer. No matter what, even if you aren't a huge fan of the movie, I would recommend picking this disc up because it really does look that amazing.
8/10
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Death Wish
This is a movie series I have been meaning to get to for quite some time now. I love me a good vigilante movie and since this is pretty much where that whole genre goes back to, it made sense for me to watch it.
Sure enough, this is a really solid movie that I really wish I could get into a lot of detail about but well, it was weeks ago and again, I just don't remember it that well. It is a slow burn of a vigilante movie that moves along quickly and has a main character that you can root for.
People love watching average people blow away bad guys. It's just human nature. It's just satisfying. It doesn't make me weird. You love it too. Admit it. That's what I thought.
Plus you get to see Jeff Goldblum in his very first role playing a mugger/rapist/gang member/piece of shit.
Damn I know I had more to say about this movie after I first watched it too. There were even little details I was filing away to talk about. Now that's all gone and all I'm left with to say is that it's Charles Bronson killing assholes so if you're a fan of that kind of thing, which needless to say you are, then check it out.
7.5/10
Sure enough, this is a really solid movie that I really wish I could get into a lot of detail about but well, it was weeks ago and again, I just don't remember it that well. It is a slow burn of a vigilante movie that moves along quickly and has a main character that you can root for.
People love watching average people blow away bad guys. It's just human nature. It's just satisfying. It doesn't make me weird. You love it too. Admit it. That's what I thought.
Plus you get to see Jeff Goldblum in his very first role playing a mugger/rapist/gang member/piece of shit.
Damn I know I had more to say about this movie after I first watched it too. There were even little details I was filing away to talk about. Now that's all gone and all I'm left with to say is that it's Charles Bronson killing assholes so if you're a fan of that kind of thing, which needless to say you are, then check it out.
7.5/10
Laid to Rest
You know these movie reviews are actually more fun to write when they're just really quick write-ups where I don't even think about what I'm going to say. That may change when I'm finally caught up with this damn thing, but in the meantime, this works really well for me.
As with Splinter, I was really surprised but how good Laid to Rest was. Sure its the standard slasher stuff we've seen before. The story is nothing special and we never really get the explanation behind the killer that we want, but it still makes for a pretty damn entertaining movie.
The acting is slightly above average, although the characters motivations are just as stupid as you would expect in this kind of movie. The reasons they can't use cell phones and such get more and more ridiculous as things go one. I've always theorized that the invention of the cell phone was the worst thing to ever happen to horror movie writers and this movie really helps to prove that theory. Still you kind of root for them, at least the main characters. Pretty much everyone else is brought in simply to die a quick and gory death.
The deaths certainly do bring the gore. It's rare when a slasher movie can show you a kill you can honestly say you haven't seen before but this one does it a few times. Dude gets his fucking face cut right off. Right off! Face! Wow.
The killer is actually pretty menacing with his awesome chrome skull mask. Like I said though you really never get enough backstory about him. Although with movies like the Halloween remake and such, maybe it's best they don't explain him since I'm sure it falls back to that whole "dad was an asshole" shit.
Laid to Rest was a pleasant surprise. It is flawed, but wow is it ever better than most horror that we get these days.
7/10
As with Splinter, I was really surprised but how good Laid to Rest was. Sure its the standard slasher stuff we've seen before. The story is nothing special and we never really get the explanation behind the killer that we want, but it still makes for a pretty damn entertaining movie.
The acting is slightly above average, although the characters motivations are just as stupid as you would expect in this kind of movie. The reasons they can't use cell phones and such get more and more ridiculous as things go one. I've always theorized that the invention of the cell phone was the worst thing to ever happen to horror movie writers and this movie really helps to prove that theory. Still you kind of root for them, at least the main characters. Pretty much everyone else is brought in simply to die a quick and gory death.
The deaths certainly do bring the gore. It's rare when a slasher movie can show you a kill you can honestly say you haven't seen before but this one does it a few times. Dude gets his fucking face cut right off. Right off! Face! Wow.
The killer is actually pretty menacing with his awesome chrome skull mask. Like I said though you really never get enough backstory about him. Although with movies like the Halloween remake and such, maybe it's best they don't explain him since I'm sure it falls back to that whole "dad was an asshole" shit.
Laid to Rest was a pleasant surprise. It is flawed, but wow is it ever better than most horror that we get these days.
7/10
Bloodsport
I remember way back in probably grade 4 that all my friends were obsessed with this movie. They would even write stories based on it during our creative writing period, which is kind of fucked up. I of course wasn't allowed to watch it because of the violence and such. Whatever. I had The Sandlot, I was fine.
So now, 16 odd years later I finally got to see what it was all about. Well I can certainly see why all of those 8 year-olds liked it. It's full of action, it's kind of ridiculous, lots of good fights and let's be honest, it pretty much just flat out kicks ass.
Again I watched this weeks ago so details are hazy and I'm really trying to keep these reviews short so I can finally catch up on all of them. But I highly enjoyed this movie. Yea it's cheesy and kind of fucking stupid, but it's fine. Plus Van Damme does the splits like 15 times. He has every right to show that shit off so you can't even fault him for constantly doing it.
There's one great scene where he is outrunning these government guys to this lame 80's pop song. It could be one of my favourite scenes in any movie ever. Great stuff.
Kid me would loved this movie for sure, but adult me really enjoyed it too.
7.5/10
So now, 16 odd years later I finally got to see what it was all about. Well I can certainly see why all of those 8 year-olds liked it. It's full of action, it's kind of ridiculous, lots of good fights and let's be honest, it pretty much just flat out kicks ass.
Again I watched this weeks ago so details are hazy and I'm really trying to keep these reviews short so I can finally catch up on all of them. But I highly enjoyed this movie. Yea it's cheesy and kind of fucking stupid, but it's fine. Plus Van Damme does the splits like 15 times. He has every right to show that shit off so you can't even fault him for constantly doing it.
There's one great scene where he is outrunning these government guys to this lame 80's pop song. It could be one of my favourite scenes in any movie ever. Great stuff.
Kid me would loved this movie for sure, but adult me really enjoyed it too.
7.5/10
Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
It feels kind of nice to finally return back to the Godzilla movies. Unfortunately this one is simply not very good. In fact it's been so long I really don't remember a thing about it. It hasn't even been that long. It's been a few weeks, but I can't remember a damn thing about it. Not one moment, one line of dialogue, one visual...nothing.
I don't remember hating the movie. Definitely not. I do think I was pissed at how much singing there was? That seems like a strange complaint to have about a Godzilla movie but I remember thinking it more than once.
So...I guess it's ok but it has too much singing? That's all I got for ya.
5/10
I don't remember hating the movie. Definitely not. I do think I was pissed at how much singing there was? That seems like a strange complaint to have about a Godzilla movie but I remember thinking it more than once.
So...I guess it's ok but it has too much singing? That's all I got for ya.
5/10
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Cyborg
While I'm in this phase of watching all the classic action movie stars (although what the hell ever happened to my Jackie Chan movie marathon? that lasted 2 movies! anyway..) it just made sense to start visiting the works of Jean Claude Van-Damme (who will be referred to as simply JC from now on). JC is an actor I am not familiar with at all. I have seen and enjoyed Sudden Death and Hard Target and that's really it. I'm not sure why I chose this one to start with, but Cyborg is not a great way to begin my journey into the world of JC.
Apparently the director originally wanted this movie to have no dialogue whatsoever but was not allowed to do so. You can actually kind of tell that was the plan because even now, nobody really talks in this thing. There are long stretches of silence. Granted some of the performances would have been better if the actors just weren't allowed to talk, it doesn't make for that exciting of an action movie.
One thing I found interesting about this movie is how much time JC spends either running away from people or getting the shit kicked out of him. Sure he has a few fights here and there where to gets to kick an ass or two. However much of his time is spent losing fights or avoiding them altogether. It didn't really make the movie any better, but it was something different. It's even a little strange that JC would choose this movie as one of his first starring vehicles (if not his actual first, not quite sure about that) when it doesn't do a terrific job of showcasing his abilities.
The whole movie is just very...whatever. I won't lie I actually ended up fast-forwarding through huge chunks of it because I really just didn't give a shit about anything that was happening. Blah.
4/10
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Kill Switch
Another recent entry in the Steven Seagal DTV catalogue. Not sure why I chose to go with this next, especially after hearing it was considered one of the worst from the era. The plot sounded like something different for Seagal, since he was hunting serial killers in this one, so I decided to give it a shot. In the end, it turned out to be strangely entertaining, but not always because it was a quality movie.
The first issue that has to be addressed is of course Seagal himself. I will give him credit because he apparently wrote this screenplay and the script manages to tell a generic, but competent story. Many of Seagal's recent movies just don't make any sense so it's nice to see one that is pretty simple and straight forward.
So although he managed to pull together a decent enough script, he just can't do the same with his performance. For some baffling reason he attempts this sort of souther accent the whole time and no surprise, he can't pull it off. He uses a lot of terms such "lahd have mercy" and it's laughable. The whole tone of the movie is so dark and gritty that Seagal's cartoonish performance sticks out like a sore thumb. However it does end up being one of the most enjoyable parts of the entire movie.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, the editing in this movie is beyond fucking annoying. I have no idea how anyone thought this was a good route to go with the editing for this thing. It's so quick and fucking stupid. You can never tell what is going on in the fights, or often during scenes where people are just standing around and talking. The movie also has this strange tendency to keep showing shit three times. Sometimes it's something maybe sort of cool like a man being thrown out of a window. But then there are other times where it's something pointless like Seagal looking to the left. Has his career really hit such a rock bottom level that we should be fucking impressed that he moved his head to one direction? So impressed we had to see it multiple times even?
The fights in this movie are a mess, and not just because of the fast-paced, terrible editing either. There aren't that many fights and the ones we do get, last for fucking ever. The final fight is just 7 minutes of Seagal slamming this guy around and kicking the shit out of him. Also by Seagal, I mean a stunt double who really looks nothing like him, a fact the movie barely even tries to hide. I don't think Seagal gets hit even once, but then that's another problem I have with many of his movies...he never gets hurt.
Despite all of the above problems, there is something about this movie that makes it strangely watchable. It's certainly not the bland story or the god awful editing. A lot of is Seagal's bizarre performance, but I don't know. I was never bored and the inept nature of the movie did hold my interest, as did the fucking random ending.
5.5/10
Audition
I had known about this movie for quite some time. It's reputation is pretty legendary in the world of cinema. All I ever heard about was how fucked up the last 15 minutes were. Even going into the movie knowing that, and knowing a good chuck of what happens during those 15 minutes, it certainly doesn't make it any easier to sit through.
The entire movie is basically lead-up to that final act. If you had no idea what this movie was about you would swear that it was some sort of romantic comedy. It isn't until maybe 45 minutes in that the movie immediately switches gears and you let you know that shit ain't right. How do they let you know? A girl staring at a phone for hours on end, waiting for a phone call, and then a sack on the floor behind her all of a sudden comes to life and flies across the room. A pretty jarring moment for a movie that has been tame up until that point.
So from that point on the movie does a very good job at creating a sense of dread, or at least it would if I didn't know where everything was leading. I won't lie, knowing the ending of this movie really takes away a lot from it. Clearly you are supposed to have no idea where things are going and the movie does do a good job of throwing you off course. I just wish I could have experienced it the way it was meant to be.
The movie is very slow in the beginning, which of course was intentional. It's very dialogue heavy and purposely slow-paced. I did get bored. Even parts of the second half were quite dull, but I understand the point of making everything boring before really flying off and going bat shit crazy.
The last 15 minutes is just as fucked up as you may have heard. It's still not the worst thing I have seen in a movie. Hell it's not even the worst thing I have seen in a movie I've watched this year. But it's pretty bad and I can see why a lot of people were revolted by it.
I just really wish I didn't know the ending of this movie because that would have made the experience so much more visceral and effective. As is, it was a well-made movie that does a great job building suspense and then shifting gears in the final act. Just go in with as little knowledge of the movie as humanly possible.
7/10
Friday, April 24, 2009
Stone Cold
I can't say I'm very familiar with the works of former NFL player Brian Bosworth. I know he drove drunk not too long ago, but then what actor hasn't now? Therefore it seemed about time to go take a look at his first attempt to conquer the world of action movies.
It's a strange phenomenon when Hollywood tries to make a movie star out of some random athlete. They tried it with Dennis Rodman, Howie Long, of course Bosworth who we're here to talk about. Now the trend seems to be trying to make action stars out of WWE wrestlers, which has met with at least decent success in my book. I didn't mind The Condemned and The Marine was strangely awesome.
Now like I said I really don't know a whole lot about Bosworth, but after my first look at him in this movie, I immediately judge everyone who helped make him popular. Sure it was the early nineties and this sort of thing was maybe more acceptable but my god! Bosworth's entrance into this movie is one of the most unintentional funny moments I've had in a movie in quite some time. He has this bizarre mullet thing going where all the makings of the mullet are there, but then the sides are shaved and....you know you pretty much just have to see it.
Actually the opening scene is full of unintentional comedy. The whole scene takes place in a grocery store that's being robbed. One of the first things the robbers do (well one of them at least) is shoot the shit out of a shelf of Ritz Crackers. It doesn't even look like it's for the sake of mindless mayhem either. To me it looks like the robber turns towards those Ritz and intentionally destroys them. He doesn't even destroy any other food. I can't even think of one logical reason some robber would hate Ritz Crackers enough to destroy a whole shelf of them. Ritz are fucking delicious. Ever put cheese on them? God damn! There might be some sort of bizarre under current of Ritz prejudice, but the movie sadly doesn't deal with that.
Well that's certainly the most I've ever written about crackers in a movie so let's move on. It's not hard to see why Bosworth never really caught on as an action star. He's pretty bland overall. He handles the action ok, and granted the role doesn't call for a whole lot in terms of acting, but he's just not an engaging presence. The supporting cast does better with a few actual recognizable faces.
The movie is your standard plot about a cop going undercover in a biker gang and it hits all the story threads you're probably expecting. It actually is a little dull overall. There are some fun cheesy moments scattered here and there, but it's not a very good movie, even on that so bad it's good level. The last 10 or 15 minutes is pretty damn good though, and almost worth sitting through the rest of the movie for. It's a huge shootout/bike chase in a court house and it's pretty damn entertaining.
The first 5 minutes and the last 15 sort of make this movie worth watching. The whole middle though, not so much.
5.5/10
Out For A Kill
It's about time I started getting around to the Seagal movies. This is an odd one to start out with though. It's one of the DTV ones, and not even one of the more recent ones. Just a completely random one. I think this movie is from that period where Seagal was releasing 4 or 5 movies each year. It was fun because I was working at a video store at the time and we seemed to get a new Seagal movie every few weeks. There were the rare movies that almost nobody on the staff watched.
This wasn't my first venture into the world of Seagal DTV movies, but I don't remember much about the other ones. This one isn't exactly the terrible mess I was expecting, but it's certainly not a very good movie. I think the title is probably the best part. It makes the murders sound very casual.
What's interesting about this movie, as well as all of the ones Seagal does these days, is how little Seagal really does these days. Usually a stunt double does all of the fighting, and sometimes Seagal's voice is even completely dubbed over. So I guess they're just hiring him for the name now? Granted I guess he has a hand in a lot of the stories but still.
At least in Out For A Kill he does seem to be using his own voice. He even does a good chunk of his own fighting. There are a couple of shots where it's a very obvious stuntman, but usually you can tell it's Seagal, so kudos there I guess. It's kind of strange that a movie gets extra points for its action star actually appearing in it and doing his own talking, but Seagal calls for special circumstances.
There is some action here, and for a DTV movie some of it is pretty good. Of course when judging a DTV movie, you have to cut it some slack. There's a few good fights here and there, especially in the second half. However the overall movie is pretty dull. Seagal does indeed step out for a few kills, but a lot of the movie is just him out for a conversation. Plus it goes without saying the acting isn't terrific, but again, it's ok.
There are of course the moments of unintentional humour you'll find in most of the later Seagal pictures. Often times a stunt is put in slow motion that in no way deserves it. Things like jumping. Apparently they were so fucking amped about jumping that we just had to see it again. There's also a funny moment where Seagal's character is in jail and his cellmate starts to tell him the story about how he got there, only for the movie to cut him off mid-sentence and move on to something else. Plus just the idea of Seagal playing a Harvard (or maybe it was Yale...something prestigious anyway) professor is funny by itself.
Out For A Kill is actually a better movie than I ever could have expected. That being said it's still not very good. Mediocre story, mediocre acting and a lot of slow patches lead to this one being slightly above watchable.
5.5/10
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Crank: High Voltage
The first movie I saw when I moved to go to college (for the second time) was Crank. Therefore it was all too fitting that as soon as I finished my last of my final year, I headed straight over to the theatre to watch the sequel. I have to believe that the guys who make these movies actually planned that. It was such a fitting and awesome bookend to school.
I loved the first movie and was pretty damn excited for this one. I fully embraced the stupid premise, which many people don't seem capable of doing. Even the movie itself acknowledges how stupid it is, so you can't fault them too much. But of course Crank High Voltage is not the movie you go and see for deep plot and characters, you go to see it in order to watch 80 minutes of really fucked up stuff. This one delivers that in spades.
I've mentioned before (maybe not in this blog actually, definitely in the old one) that I will watch just about everything Jason Statham does. The man is infinitely watchable and can kick an ass like nobody's business. The problem is that most of the movies he's in are not that good. He usually ends up being the best part because he always seems to put in the effort, even when the movie may not really deserve it. He fully fucking commits to Crank 2. He has to do some ridiculous shit in this movie but he really throws himself into it and it adds so much to the movie. He really does become a live action cartoon.
My reviews really seem to have a formula going now. Plot-main actor-supporting cast-movie as a whole-wrap-up. Oh well it works. The supporting cast is good here. Amy Smart seems to get more to do here and same with Statham, really gives her all in the role and even gets to beat the shit out of Corey Haim, which is pretty great. The villains are pretty underdeveloped but meh. You pretty much just want to see Statham kill them so I can let that slide.
The most fun though is all of the cameos that show up in this movie. None of them are huge stars, but more recognizable faces. The trailers have sadly given away a lot of them but there are still some fun ones in there that I'm not going to spoil here.
Crank High Voltage really embraces the whole idea that these are just a live action video game. The score often sounds like something you might hear in an old 8-bit video game. There is even a sequence where Statham keeps killing people and upgrading his weapon. Each time he gets a new one it plays a little bit of triumphant game music. Later when he loses a crucial item it makes a sound similar to when Pac-Man dies. It's goofy, but fun.
That pretty much describes the whole movie. It does take things about 10 steps further than the first movie. You really never know just what the hell is going to come next. There is one part I thought was a little stupid, and this is also the point where a couple of people walked out. For the most part though I had a lot of fucking fun with this movie. It's random, fun, and really never does let up. The term "non-stop action" is thrown around a fucking lot but in this case it's very, very true.
Same with Observe & Report, I can really see how this movie would divide people. Anyone who liked the first SHOULD like this one. Anyone who didn't, or has no clue what Crank is, stay far the fuck away.
8.5/10
Observe & Report
Fuckin' Paul Blart Mall Cop. First it's trailer and stupid title show up and insult me with their mediocrity. Then the movie as a whole offends me with it's overall lack of effort. Then it has to go and make 150 million dollars, maybe even more by this point. Now it's pretty much tainted the release of Observe & Report. Every single review usually starts off with "Oh goody another mall cop movie." The one thing that I take comfort in is knowing there must have been so many people who took their kids and family to see this, thinking it was another nice mall cop movie. Then the actual movie must have just destroyed their faces when they watched it. Though even that pleasant thought is tainted by the knowledge that those same families then yelled at the theatre employees for it, instead of taking some fucking responsibility for being so stupid.
Anyway, the movie itself. The first trailers were ok, but it was word of mouth that really got me interested in this movie. I just kept hearing about how dark and fucked up it was and how all these studios didn't want to release the movie because of its ending. All of this really got me excited to watch it. I think all of that hype was a bit much though. The movie is definitely a dark comedy and it will certainly have a lot of people divided. However it's not nearly the fucked up movie I was expecting.
It is cool to see Seth Rogen doing something different. There are moments when he falls into the usual mannerisms and dialogue, but this character is a pretty different beast than we're used to seeing with Rogen. He actually gets to cry and emote in a couple scenes and he does a damn good job. I was impressed. The man may be ready for some more dramatic roles, although I'm guessing the upcoming Funny People will expand on that a little more.
The supporting cast does great as well. Anna Faris is still sort of playing the bimbo role she usually does, only here that bimbo is a terrible fucking person. Usually she is stupid but likable, but here she is just a manipulative bitch. She does well too, so hopefully this means that she will be branching out as well. However we already knew she was good at different roles thanks to May and Lost in Translation, she just seems to have gotten away from that.
Ray Liotta, well it's just nice to see him in a movie again. It's great to hear that creepy laugh of his. Even when he laughs like this when he's playing a good guy you just can't help but think that he's seconds away from eating a small child or a puppy.
People who watch this expecting a typical hilarious comedy are going to be surprised and angry. It's definitely funny, but not the usual humour I'm sure Rogen fans (and mall cop movie fans, which is a subgenre of fans that I never thought would exist, and I'm not that happy that they do) are used to. A lot of it is character based, a lot of it is awkward, and a lot of it is really fucking dark. For the most part though it works, although there are a few patches that are pretty laugh-free.
I enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would. A lot of it comes down to the cast, but the humour works and I got oddly wrapped up in the story. You don't normally associate comedies with having a plot where you really have no clue what's going to happen or where it's going. This one really has that though. It's certainly not for everyone and I would be very hesitant about who I would recommend it to, but if you're looking for something different then I would give this one a shot.
7.5/10
Splinter
I think by this point I, and most other horror fans as well, have accepted that there really isn't any horror movie premises that haven't been done already. Just about all of them are familiar by this point, at least in some way. Now what's really important is to take that premise and do it well. Most fail at this, which is why it's so great when you find a movie that completely surprises you. Splinter is that movie.
It's essentially a creature movie, with a hint of some zombie stuff going on too. The whole plot and setup is instantly familiar, but it's in the execution where this movie really shines. It takes a familiar concept, puts a couple of unique spins on it and then just delivers it in a way that's smart and entertaining.
First off, they wrote characters who are actually rounded and developed, at least when compared to most other movies of this type. Usually you are just watching a bunch of assholes who you can't wait to see killed. Here you actually root for them and genuinely want them to survive. I almost forgot what that's like. The performances help too, as they are definitely a few notches above average. For the most part they even manage to avoid making stupid decisions, another rarity for this kind of movie.
I won't lie I love a horror movie with some good gore and this one certainly doesn't skimp in that department. Lots of good/gross stuff here. However the suspense works well too. There aren't a whole lot of cheap scares in this one, although I do remember a couple of them. A lot of the movie is based around the suspense and waiting for something to happen and they do a good job. They make great use of the gas station location where almost the entire movie takes place.
I love when a horror movie I've never heard of ends up surprising me because it doesn't seem to happen that often. I think the score for this one may be a little higher purely because I wasn't expecting anything from it and was really blown away by how good it ended up being. Horror fans need to check this one out. It's familiar, but really well done.
8/10
Monday, April 20, 2009
Eye See You
This is around the time we started to have problems with our online rental service. You see the thing is, this was around our 58th choice on our list. I don't even remember putting this movie on there. Nonetheless it arrived in the mail so I figured I would give it a watch.
This movie came out pretty much at the lowest point in Stallone's career. In fact I think this may have been his first DTV movie. This was what kicked off what many thought to be the end of his career, until he pulled out all his old characters and started releasing kick ass movies again.
Eye See You isn't that bad, but it's pretty generic and bland. It does give Stallone something different in that this isn't an action movie, but is actually closer to being a horror movie. I guess I would call it a thriller. Well really I would call familiar. It's a bunch of people trapped in one location (by yes, a snowstorm) and someone is killing them off one by one. We've seen it before, but as tired as the formula is, it can still be done well.
Here it's not really done that well. It's never that suspenseful and tends to drag at times. A movie like this should have you constantly guessing who the killer is or who will be the next to go. For this one I didn't even really care enough to get that invested, although I did guess the killer right actually. There's the usual scenes where everyone accuses each other of being the killer and so on and so on. Nothing new here.
I was surprised by the cast however. There are a lot of recognizable actors in this thing. Aside from Stallone, you got Jeffrey Wright, Tom Berenger, Robert Patrick, Kris Kristofferson, Dina Meyer, etc. It's actually pretty impressive. It's odd they all agreed to do this movie though since none of their characters really gets to shine. I did like Patrick's badass character who turns into a whimpering mess when the killer catches up to him. That was pretty cool and actually gave his character sort of some depth. Other than that though nobody really gets a whole lot to do, although they are all good with what little they have.
Eye See You is ok, but it's not hard to see why it didn't get a theatrical release. It's pretty generic, although it's kind of cool to see Stallone in this kind of movie. Plus the idea that the killer murders his victims by drilling out their eye when they look through a peephole is certainly pretty fucked up. Overall though, meh.
5/10
Live Free or Die Hard
Once again another movie from the summer of 2007. One night a couple of weeks ago I just had this ridiculously intense urge to watch this movie. I mean who am I to fight that so I immediately popped in the DVD.
I remember the months and years leading up to the release of this movie had some very unpleasant moments. First off the reveal of the title. I would say most people were unhappy with it. Even to this day I'm not completely used to it. Then again I'm sure Die Harder and Die Hard With A Vengeance all sounded pretty fucking stupid at the time. So maybe this title is like a fine wine and will get better with age.
Another shocking revelation along the release path, and the one many people still hold against this movie, is the rating. PG thirfuckingteen. Nobody could believe that. How could a Die Hard movie not have an R rating? Hell the franchise's catchphrase has motherfucker in it! How would that ever work?! Well kudos to them because they pulled it off and made that shit work.
This is a damn good movie. I saw it for the first time right after Transformers and felt it was far superior. Those robots have nothing on John McClane. They can keep their confusing fights and Even Stevens guy and lame humour. I'll take this one any day.
Same as with Harrison Ford and the new Indiana Jones (except this one is a good movie) it's just great to see Bruce Willis back in his most famous role. Not only that, it's like he hasn't missed a beat. He falls immediately back into the role and you know right away you're watching that character. Age be damned he still looks good kicking ass and still has the perfect delivery of all those lines.
Even Justin Long does well in the role of the funny sidekick. This could have been a fucking disaster but he makes the character pretty likable and not that whiny. His sarcasm also finds that perfect balance between actually funny and "holy shit Bruce eat that kid!"
Tim Oliphant as the villain is ok, but the weakest in the Die Hard series. I do like his overall plan and he has a few awesome moments ("come on, say something funny") but he feels a little underdeveloped and at times, generic.
The action, while certainly far-fetched, is top-notch. My two favourite sequences would have to be the tunnel and the elevator, but it's all good. Yes the stuff with the fighter jet is pretty god damn ridiculous, but it's also pretty god damn entertaining so it's all ok.
As for the rating, well it's a very hard PG-13 so that helps. No blood or swearing, but still plenty of violence. Plus if you get the unrated DVD it puts all of the language right back in there. It's pretty stupid at times because you can tell they just looped the word "fuck" over some of the scenes. Most of the time Bruce's mouth doesn't even match what he is saying, and sometimes it clearly isn't moving at all. It does put the iconic line back in though, which adds like 6 points right there.
This movie had so many things that could have made it terrible. The rating, the sidekick, but it all works out and they went against the odds and made a damn good movie. It's not better than the first Die Hard, not even close, but I would rank it above the second and it would be pretty damn close with the third.
8.5/10
Eden Lake
Another movie under the Dimension Extreme label. As everyone knows, you have to take that title with a grain of salt. At least I think you do, no real clue what that expression means. Many of the movies have simply been lame and tepid, nowhere near extreme. Thankfully Eden Lake qualifies as one of the better releases so far and although I would never describe a movie as "extreme", this one is closer to that than many of the other ones.
The plot is pretty simple, and pretty familiar. It's your typical story about a young couple being stalked by a killer/killers. However this movie does put one unique and disturbing twist on the whole thing...the killers here are a pack of young teenagers. For me that makes this thing a whole lot creepier and got me way more invested in everything that was happening.
The teenagers are actually depicted pretty realistically too. It would be so easy for this movie to make them over the top cartoony villains but they didn't. These fuckers are scary, but you believe they could exist. Hell I've ridden the bus with these pieces of shit. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I heard something like this happening in real life. In fact I've heard way worse. So I buy it man.
The movie moves along at a quick pace, which you always want with this type of movie. There is a little bit of time spent with the build-up, then once the shit hits the fan all bets are off and this time it's personal and other cliches. The rest of the movie is the chase and it can get pretty damn intense at times. There aren't a lot of those cheap fuckin' BLAH LOUD NOISE scares, which is excellent. The movie survives on suspense and tension, of which it has plenty.
I would check this one out. It's a huge surprise and a rare standout in the horror genre. Oh Dimension Extreme, you are just full of surprises aren't you?
7.5/10
Knocked Up
I'm not exactly sure what made me all of a sudden want to watch all of these movies from the summer of '07 but here we are. During my time at the theatre I must have seen this movie at least 18 times. Only two of those were viewings from start to finish, but during breaks we would watch it, or just spend part of our shift in there watching it, so if you add up all those little segments, I saw this movie many times.
Since buying the DVD I hadn't really revisited the movie but we wanted to watch something funny last week and this one seemed like the perfect choice. It's not really surprising but it still holds up. Parts aren't nearly as funny as maybe they once were, but there's no denying this is one of those comedies that can hold up to many repeat viewings.
It's a little strange to go back and see Seth Rogen back before he was a huge deal. Now he has like 5 or 6 movies a year but back then nobody really knew who the hell he was. And this was just two years ago too, not even. It's no surprise that this movie helped launch him because the man knows funny, what can I say. I'm also not sick of him yet either, which is pretty fantastic. He may want to slow his movie output a little but for now, I will watch pretty much anything the man does.
Katherine Heigl is good in the lead female role but it's been tainted by some of the comments she has made since the movie was released. She slammed the movie for being sexist, as well as other negative comments. For fucks sake Katherine Heigl. This movie helped bring you into the world of films, was universally loved and brought you to a whole new audience. Maybe..MAYBE..you should be thankful for that. Otherwise you would still be on Grey's pining over (and now apparently talking to? I stopped watching a long time ago) your dead boyfriend who I don't get why you're so upset over anyway? You knew him for like a week Katherine Heigl! And you talked to him at his bed a few times! That's not everlasting love! God damn you.
The supporting cast is still the highlight. I'm sure this movie also really helped out Jason Segal who has made 2 hilarious movies since this one came out. Apparently Jay Baruchel is finally going to get his own movie too. Although what the hell happened to Jonah Hill? He had Superbad after this, then a small role here and there, and that's it. Weird.
My biggest complaint about the movie is the length. It's simply too damn long. This is even more true now that the special edition DVD added like 20 minutes of footage to it. It never gets boring, but it does tend to drag and by the 2 hour mark, we were definitely ready for the movie to finally end.
Overall Knocked Up is still funny now and I'm sure will stilly be funny when I watch it again down the road. Comedies like that are getting rarer and rarer so we should be thankful whenever we're lucky enough to get one.
8/10
Spider-Man 3
Spider-man 3 will always hold a special place in my heart because my first night working at the movie theatre was the opening night for this movie. Of course this isn't the special place in your heart where you store away your pleasant memories. No this is the special place in your heart where you store away those memories that you would love nothing more than to just Eternal Sunshine right out of your head. The ones that haunt you and physically anger you whenever you remember them. For friends that was a terrible, terrible evening of incompetence and fear.
What didn't help matters was that I had already seen the movie earlier that day and was very let down by it. So the fact it was causing me this much stress, and was not that great a movie, well that made me fucking hate Spider-man 3. Now that it's almost two years later it felt like a good time to re-visit the movie. After spending all of this time knowing I was disappointed with it, along with most of the world, maybe a second viewing would help and I would be able to accept it as a better movie. No...no it's still not very good.
Coming right after the second movie, which I thought was fantastic, especially doesn't help this one. But there really is no denying that it's ridiculously flawed in many ways. It had potential to be a really good story and an amazing closure to the series (although now I guess we have at least two more on the way) but instead it just made things sort of fizzle out.
The absolute biggest problem with this movie is the humour. None of it works. Some of it is actually just painful. When Peter Parker goes dark/emo and just walks around pointing at women and dancing for 15 minutes, it's almost as though you are watching a completely different movie. I know Spider-man has always been one of the lighter comic book characters but come the fuck on! That dance he does in the nightclub?! That's one of the most painful things I have ever witnessed. This scene, as well as most attempts at being funny, simply don't work.
The other huge problem is how crammed this movie feels. They are simply trying to tell too much story here. I know Sam Raimi was almost forced to put Venom in there, and you can tell. Venom never feels like a natural part of the story. He's not even really a villain when he finally shows up, more of an obstacle. I would definitely consider myself a Venom fan and he really deserved his own movie to do him justice.
Sandman is an awesome villain but I never realized just how little he has to do here. Throw in Harry as the new Green Goblin and it's just way too much. They should have just focused on one villain, maybe two. Everything feels rushed along. I don't even want to think about how the conflict between Harry and Peter is resolved. It is shockingly lazy.
That being said, I still don't hate the movie. There are some effective sequences, the standout being Sandman's transformation. Really good stuff. Plus some of the action is well-done, in fact I would say most of it. Most of the cast is good, although I'm getting a little sick of Tobey at this point and Kirsten Dunst never quite felt appropriate in the role anyway.
Spider-man 3 was disappointing at first, and now it's simply a not very good movie. Too many characters, too much lame humour, too much emo pointing, and not enough....good. It's saved by some good action and some effective sequences scattered throughout.
6.5/10
Marley & Me
God damn you Marley & Me. You broke my streak! I hadn't cried at a movie in so long and look what you did! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!! Even knowing how sad it was going to get didn't help matters any. So now it looks like the streak is over. Was it at least broken because of a quality movie? Well, I guess sort of.
Most of the appeal of Marley and Me really does come from Marley himself. Most people are interested in the movie because they have either read the book (which I have not) or have seen the dog commercial and gone "awwwwwwww". What's interesting though, is that the dog really isn't the focus here. It's the people. They made a cute dog movie...about people.
At least the story of the people is mostly interesting. We mostly just follow them through their lives as their change careers, get married, have kids, move, etc. It's mostly light-hearted stuff but it does occasionally venture into more dramatic territory. The shifts are never too jarring and work well enough. In fact I wish more of the story had been the dramatic segments because I was more engaged by them than I was any of the comedic stuff.
The comedy mostly plays it safe and sticks to the sitcom style of humour. You occasionally get a joke that is a little more on the risque side of things, but this is a family movie so they never go too far. As can be expected most of the humour comes from the antics of the dog. He eats things and destroys all kinds of shit, you know the routine. This actually leads into one of the larger problems I had with the movie.
I felt they should have spent more time with the dog in his lovable moments. So much of what he does is just destructive that we never get a chance to see exactly why the family loves him so much. I didn't hate the dog, absolutely not. But I think they should have shown some of the nicer moments they had with him. I've heard from people who have read the book that those moments are in there so why not include them? It's not as though you didn't have time, leading to my next complaint.
The movie is just too long. It's about 2 hours and when you really break down what happened during those 2 hours, it ain't a lot. I think they could have trimmed this thing down a little and made the movie better for it. I wouldn't really say it drags, but there is some unnecessary stuff in there for sure.
The actors all do fine. I'm not a fan of Jennifer Aniston but she does well here, even though I wanted to punch her character a couple of times. The same goes for Owen Wilson actually, who at least is a step forward from Drillbit Taylor. I actually thought the best character was Owen's boss, played by Alan Arkin. All of his scenes were stand-outs for sure.
I'm not going to talk too much about the ending but even those you aren't familiar with the book I'm sure know all about it by now. I still won't spoil it just in case but let's just say they don't let the audience off the hook easy with that shit. They go the route of cruel sadistic bastards who just want people to cry and be miserable. Manipulative, but powerful.
Marley & Me is a decent watch and something good for the family. Just get ready to dehydrate yourself from sobbing like an infant.
7/10
Sunday, April 19, 2009
It Came From Beneath The Sea
This is the final movie from the box set of Ray Harryhausen movies that I've been working my way through. This is one that I've actually been looking forward to watching because I had seen clips from it and I'm pretty much a sucker for any movie with a giant octopus destroying things. I don't think a good movie has been made about the subject yet, and sadly this one doesn't really change that.
First off, it's not a good sign that despite having watched this movie only a couple of weeks ago I already don't remember a damn thing about it. I remember it's very slow in the beginning, and not all that interesting. It's mostly people on a submarine talking about things.
We don't even get some giant octopus action until near the end of the movie, and by that point it really does feel like too little too late. A better title for the movie would maybe be "It Came From Beneath The Sea.....Eventually". The stop motion stuff with the octopus is, as expected, good stuff. As I said, there just isn't enough of it.
I'm normally pretty opposed to remakes, but I actually wouldn't mind it if somebody took a shot at remaking this movie with more action. However I also wouldn't want it to lose it's stop motion charm, so it would be a fine line to walk. I'm certainly not against movies that focus more on character and dialogue than on flashy effects and such, I was just never engaged by anything anyone was doing in this one. Worth it for the last 10 minutes, but maybe just fast forward straight to that.
5/10
The Spirit
After such a huge effort to catch up on this thing of course I had to fall way behind again. I have two weeks off coming up (just finished college, hoorah!) and plan on watching a lot of flicks so it's a good idea for me to get caught up on this thing now.
The Spirit proved to a frustrating entity when I was working at the movie theatre. We had a poster of it up in the main lobby and everyone who came in always saw it and commented "oh man Sin City 2". I never bother correcting them because really, this movie did look like Sin City 2. It was the guy who actually argued with me that there is no such book as "The Spirit" and that this was in fact, the sequel to Sin City. It was one of those arguments where nobody can win since he wasn't going to back down and neither was I. Theatre policies strictly forbid stabbing people in the neck, no matter how wrong about movies they may have been. My point is, this movie really does look like Frank Miller was trying to emulate the success he had with Sin City.
The problem is that while it does bear some resemblance to Sin City it looks, it doesn't even come close to touching it in terms of quality. I think they were trying to go for a live action cartoon with this one. People get hit over the head with toilet seats, the Spirit's pants fall down at one point, there are a bunch of "wacky" clones that get killed off throughout the movie, etc. The problem is, none of it really works. It tries so hard to be wacky but falls flat just about every time. I didn't see this movie in a theatre, but I can just about hear the awkward audience silences that would follow just about every joke.
I'm not opposed to the idea. It would be a good juxtaposition to the intense violence and grittiness of Sin City. It all falls apart in the execution. Unfortunately I can't say how accurate this one is compared to the comics, as I'm not at all familiar with them. A former co-worker of mine made it sound like they weren't similar at all. I assume Miller just thought "well people loved how Sin City looked, so we'll just do that shit again." Sadly at no point did somebody step forward and tell him no.
The cast is full of recognizable names, but all of them are quite bad. Sam Jackson is good as the villain, but he could play this role is his fucking sleep by this point. He was probably just on auto-pilot the entire time. He does dress up as a nazi at one point, which is something I don't think I've ever seen him do before.
Eva Mendes is quite bad and her character just needs to be hit by bats. Either the baseball kind or the flying kind would be acceptable. Then again I've always sort of disliked Mendes ever since Hitch. That movie would have been so much better had it ended with her dying alone in her apartment while Will Smith finds happiness with someone else. I wonder if her characters are this terrible on the page or if it's just something she brings to the roles. Either way, fuck Eva Mendes.
However the worst of the bunch is Scarlett Johannson as Sam's henchwoman. She is absolutely terrible. Her first line of dialogue happens and it's awful but you assume it can only get better. It doesn't. Her performance is so bad that I actually went back over her previous work to see if she was ever a good actor. I know she's had some quality performances so I have to assume she just wasn't trying here. Or the dialogue was so awful that Audrey fucking Hepburn couldn't make it sound acceptable. I wouldn't be surprised by either situation.
The main guy as The Spirit does ok, but the problem is that the character says such stupid shit that it taints his performance. The opening monologue about the city just goes on and on until you honestly can't believe he's still yapping about it. Then they revisit that speech at the end of the movie. It was in all of the trailers so I'm sure you know. It's no less annoying in the actual movie than it was then. It's weird that the one guy I hadn't really heard of walks away from this movie the least damaged.
This movie tries to have a lot of odd quirky touches and an outlandish sense of humour, but it never really works. It's not quite the complete disaster I had read about it, but it's definitely a really bad movie. Hell Miller you helped write Robocop 2, step it up!!!!
4/10
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations
Apparently there was just more story to tell that couldn't be contained within the first two movies. However as expected, this one follows the same route as the second Butterfly Effect, as well as every other direct to DVD sequel ever, in that it just retells the exact same story but with a few changes and different characters.
Also why wasn't it enough to just have the title end at 3? Did they really need 'Revelations' at the end? There are some revelations I guess, but isn't that true for most movies? Way to dip into the generic subtitles there guys. Couldn't use 'Requiem' or 'Reborn' or whatever the hell else?
I actually really liked the first movie, not so much the second one. This one is merely ok. Granted they do try and do something a little different by having the main character trying to track down a serial killer. It makes things a little more interesting even if you're pretty sure who the killer is going to turn out to be.
I didn't recognize any of the actors in the movie, and they didn't make enough of an impression for me to go searching for their past work. They do fine and nobody stands out as being a terrible actor, but nobody stands out as mind-blowing. Well the girl with the large breasts who gets naked stands out, but not so much because of her acting.
There seems to be a lot of holes in the story too, which is to be expected when it comes to time travel movies. I'm not sure if these holes are there by mistake, or if it's one of those movies that you're supposed to talk about after it's over. There are a couple things you can tell are put there on purpose to make you think, and I will admit that I did think about them for a few minutes after the movie was over. Then I started watching Pineapple Express and forgot all about it.
Butterfly Effect 3 keeps your interest and is not a terrible movie by any means. It's just rather pointless overall. It does have some effective scenes and the ending is a bit of an emotional punch to the gut. Plus this is a huge improvement over the second installment since at least they attempt to do something different.
6/10
Mysterious Island
It seems all our online rental service will send us out now is Ray Harryhausen movies as this is the fourth one we've received in quick succession and there is apparently a fifth one now on its way as well. I don't really mind as I am enjoying these movies but my god a little variety please zip.ca!!
Again I knew absolutely nothing about this movie when it arrived in the mail. Sometimes that can be fun though, going into a movie completely blind with no idea what you're going to get from it. When I loaded up the DVD the first thing I saw on the menu screen was a group of people fighting a giant crab. So I knew I was in for at least one really entertaining scene.
The movie itself is again alright. It kind of makes me wish that I could live in that decade and experience these movies when they were first released. I bet they blew people's fucking minds back then. I also can't help but wonder if these scripts already existed and Ray Harryhausen was asked to do the effects for them, or if they wrote scripts around seeing what sorts of cool shit Ray was capable of. Maybe there was a script only Ray saw it and said "Are you fucking kidding me? Why is nobody fighting a giant crab?!" And the rest is history.
Too much of this movie is spent following our main characters as they wander around this mysterious island. The highlights are of course whenever they stumble upon, and subsequently fight a giant creature of some sort. The huge crab is the first, and they react to it's existence just a little too calmly for my liking. The sequence itself is awesome though, but then afterwards it starts to look like maybe that will be the only huge monster fight.
BUT THEN WAIT! A BIG FUCKING WEIRD OSTRICH PURPLE BIRD THING SHOWS UP!!! Aw it's gone, well maybe that's it then. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE GIANT BEES! And after the bees that really is all of them. I didn't like the bees actually. Not because they weren't kick ass looking. I just hate bees and when you make them that huge, not pleasant for me.
As fun as these fight scenes are to watch, they make up a small portion of the movie. Eventually I'm going to stumble upon one of these things that is nothing but fighting creatures from start to finish. This one is pretty good though, even with the stretches where I wasn't that interested in what was happening.
6.5/10
AND I AM NOW OFFICIALLY CAUGHT UP ON THIS FUCKING THING! AND WITH ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT IN THE MONTH! WOOOOOOO! now if only I had some readers... :(
Last House on the Left (2009)
I've never actually seen the original. Frankly I've never really wanted to. I've heard it's disgusting and very hard to sit through and it doesn't seem like one of those movies you willingly sit down to watch. It reminds me of when we were younger and thought I Spit on Your Grave would be some stupid movie we could fun of until it fucked our minds until we wanted to cry. I did plan on watching the original before this one just so I could draw some sort of comparison, but I guess I was too busy watching old monster movies or something because I never found the time. Frankly this movie didn't leave me with a huge desire to go back and watch the older one.
I knew going into this that it would be pretty messed up. It is, absolutely. The first hour is just rape and torture. Not Saw torture though. It's a lot more gritty and realistic. I get the point of all of it, and I'm sure it's something you could really dissect and analyze but this isn't the kind of review that does that. I just wasn't that interested in watching all these terrible things happen to these girls. Was it sickening? Of course it was. It's also not appealing. I know I sound all uppidy but I watched and enjoyed fucking Inside so you can suck it.
The parents getting revenge (not a spoiler for anyone who has seen anything for this movie or is aware of its existance) doesn't come until the last 25 minutes or so and all of that stuff was pretty much already shown in the trailer, including the big payoff so you know where everything is leading. It reminded me of Quarantine in that sense. Don't give away that much shit in the trailers! It ruins the viewing experience! It's gorier here than obviously the trailers will let them show, but none of it is surprising. The sequence was the highlight of the movie though still because fuck do you ever the bad guys to die horrible deaths by this point.
The performances are pretty good, although the bad girl seems like she is only there to get naked a few times. It's weird to see Sara Paxton as the rape victim. She was Aquamarine man! You can't rape Aquamarine! Also Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn I thought were good as the parents and it's cool to see Goldwyn here. I don't even remember the last movie that I saw him in.
As a whole, the movie is ok. The setup is important so the ending is satisfying and I'm sure there's a whole message about human savagery and what not but like I said, this isn't where you come to hear that.
6/10 - Higher than the review may it sound like it would be, but that's fine...as are peanut butter and crackers
The Running Man
80's Arnold is pretty fantastic. In fact let's change to 80's to early 90's Arnold. Sure some of the later stuff like 6th Day wasn't bad, and Eraser is pretty awesome, but this was the golden era. Terminator, Commando, and course The Running Man. I hadn't seen this one in a while but it's just as fun as I remember.
I have read the novella this movie is loosely based on, but I don't remember a whole lot about it either. I do know that this movie takes a lot of liberties with the book. I doubt the book had Arnold's character sawing people in half and then saying they "had to split."
I think that's a huge reason for the golden era, the one-liners. Arnold is the king of these things. Everyone knows at least a few of them, even if they've never seen any of his movies before. Running Man has almost as many good ones as Commando, but I don't think anything will ever top that movie.
Having watched 1000 hours of the Game Show Network over the last year and a half, it was also cool to see Richard Dawson as the villain. Who would have thought the host of the Family Feud would prove to be a worthy opponent for Arnold.
This movie does take a lot longer to get to the actual game than I remember but who cares? It's all fun and a great classic 80's Arnold action movie.
8/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Fuck you have to love just about all of these titles. I can't even believe a movie called this actually exists. In a perfect world this movie would be nothing but Santa going into space and beating the shit out of martians and planets. Sadly that's not really what this is.
What the movie really is is Santa going into space, and telling corny jokes and using love to win over a bunch of martians. Yep. Way to fuck up that amazing title guys. You could have done something great here, but instead we get this. This movie is renowned for being a terrible terrible piece of terrible and it's very easy to see where that reputation comes from.
The humour in this movie is so bad it makes doves or angels kill themselves. Let me give you an example. The wording here may not be exact but it's close enough to at least give you an idea.
Q - What's green and can be roasted over a fire?
A - A martian-mellow
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH FUCK! And the characters laugh like it's the funniest shit they have ever heard. That's just the beginning of it though. There are a whole bunch of jokes that are equally as bad.
There is a really terrible looking polar bear attack though where I'm pretty damn sure you can see the actor underneath the fake bear suit. That's almost immediately followed by a robot attack that looks just as bad. These 5 minutes were quite incredible.
The movie is pretty insane, but awful. It could have been so much more. They should have gone for an R rating or something. As is, terrible. Good episode though.
Movie 3/10 (i did love that polar bear/robot sequence)
Episode - 7.5/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Samson vs the Vampire Women
Another pretty amazing title that immediately tells you that you're in for something special. The premise here is that a bunch of vampire women are...doing something. The only person who can stop them? This crazy guy who runs around in a wrestling mask and a cape. His entrance alone is comedic gold.
Actually the last half of this movie is quite funny. Up until that point I wasn't that into it but man they pulled out some funny shit for that second half. You know what that's it.
Movie - 2.5/10 (even without the comments that entrance is pretty funny)
Episode - 7.5/10
Earth vs the Flying Saucers
This is another Ray Harryhausen stop-motion movie, and probably one of his most famous ones at that. Even people who have never heard of the movie would recognize some element of it if they saw footage. It's even been the inspiration for a lot of modern UFO movies. Oddly though, this was my least favourite of the Harryhausen movies I've watched so far.
As a movie it's well made. It tells a story, the acting is good, the special effects are, as expected, primitive but impressive. I just couldn't get that into it though and I'm not even really sure why. I found it a little dull and the ending felt rushed.
I spent the entire movie waiting for the Earth to actually start versus-ing some flying saucers and until the last little bit, it never really happens. The last part of the movie is where all the famous scenes I had seen/heard of before arrive. It's pretty cool, but not worth the wait.
While the saucers themselves are damn impressive, the aliens themselves are strange looking. I know they're aliens and that's expected, but they were these weird suits that make them look like Stretch Armstrongs and they walk really slow and wobbly. They're more comical than they are threatening. Eventually you do see what's under the suit, which is pretty neat, but a very familiar looking alien design. That's not the movie's fault since I'm sure at the time it was unique, but sadly we've seen it many times since.
Earth vs the Flying Saucers was not the cool movie I was hoping for. It's another one that maybe I should watch again (and most likely will once I pick-up the huge Harryhausen blu-ray set) knowing it's more talky than shooty.
6/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - The Dead Talk Back
I'm probably going to make this one my shortest review ever.
The movie itself is actually really dull and has very little to do with the dead calling back. It's actually more of a murder mystery where a woman is killed with a crossbow (points for creativity) and they are trying to solve it.
Eventually they decide to call her ghost and have her explain what happened. The weird thing is that one character knows the whole movie how to do that and yet they never think about putting the actual plan into action until near the end. Most illogical.
Anyway the commentary is of course funny, but not the best. The movie has long stretches where nothing is happening and it eventually gets to the point where they can't even come up with any ways to make fun of it.
Movie - 2/10 (seems to be the score I give all of them)
Episode - 7/10
I Love You Man
Another new movie I wanted to talk about sooner. Yay! Forgetting Sarah Marshall was my favourite comedy of last year so I was really looking forward to seeing this one. The regular trailer was ok, but the red-band trailer was hilarious so I had some high hopes for this one. Thankfully they were definitely met as this movie was reallllllly fucking funny.
Of course a lot of credit, if not all of it, has to go to the fantastic cast this movie has put together. Paul Rudd and Jason Segal are of course hilarious in the lead roles and play perfect off of each other. I'm not really sure how much was scripted and how much was improvised but it's all solid, funny stuff.
The supporting cast does a great job too, although I felt that a lot of them were very underused. Jane Curtain and J.K. Simmons were great as the parents but it's really too bad that they only have a couple of scenes. Andy Samberg also was good, but again, not around a whole lot. Jon Favreau is of course always funny and this is no exception. It's also cool to see Jaime Pressly since I don't even remember the last time I saw her in a movie.
A huge standout for me amongst the supporting cast was Rashida Jones as Rudd's fiancee. This was the character that would have been the easiest to screw up. They didn't though. They managed to make her a very likable character whose motivations make total sense and is a character you root for. You want Rudd to end up with her because you want her to be happy. That's pretty rare.
There's not much else to say other than this was a very funny movie that will hold up to repeat viewings. Check it out.
8/10
Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster
Don't let that title fool you, this is another Godzilla movie. It's actually the last one I've watched in quite a while now. This is also known as being one of the better ones and you know, I had almost as much fun watching this one as I did King Kong vs Godzilla.
I'm not sure if this was intended to be the last movie or something but it really felt like they pulled out all of the stops with this one. The end of the movie actually has 4 monsters duking it out. 4 guys in rubber suits beating the shit out of each other. It's just as amazing as I'm sure you're picturing right now, probably even more amazing.
What's even better is that the monsters take on some human-like characteristics in this one. They laugh and actually talk with each other. It's weird but pretty cool. It's also funny to hear Godzilla badmouth humans, saying they are "always bullying him." Stupid, but pretty funny too. Then all of the monsters team up and fight this three-headed guy and it's just kick ass.
Everything leading up to that. I don't really remember. I think it was ok, but it's really all about the huge melee at the end.
7.5/10 (fun stuff)
These reviews seem to be getting a lot shorter now. You know what....good.
Frankenstein Conquers the World
With a title like that, how the hell could I not watch this movie? That's what I thought. I could only imagine what this movie was actually about with such a title. It turns out that it's not really about much. In fact Frankenstein does very little actual conquering in this movie. If his actions in this movie count as conquering the world, then I have conquered it at least 6 times this morning, and will conquer it a few more times before I go to sleep I'm sure.
This essentially boils down to another giant monster movie, only the monster this time is a huge Frankenstein monster, who everyone refers to as "Frankenstein" which isn't right damn it! Anyway most of the movie centers on the people who discover this creature and trying to figure out just where he came from. It's not that exciting really. It feels pretty familiar, but that could also be because all I do now is watch old monster movies.
Around the halfway point of the movie, or maybe even further along, it takes a while that's all I really remember, we finally see another monster. So we know eventually this Frankenstein thing is going to fight it, and right before the movie ends, he finally does. The fight doesn't last very long, and then the movie is over.
Most of the movie is spent listening to and following the scientists, and really who cares about them. With a title like that this movie could have been all kinds of insane fun, but it really wasn't. Missed potential.
4.5/10
Monday, March 30, 2009
Knowing
Well look at that, I still do watch new movies. It's not all just MST3K and old Godzilla/monster movies. I occasionally will still watch a movie that was released after 1970. I actually saw this movie opening weekend and wanted to talk about it right away. Damn bizarre compulsion to type the reviews in the order I saw the movies. Anyway I'm not nearly as motivated to talk about it now as I was back then, but we'll see what happens.
Nicholas Cage is a bizarre entity. I'm not really sure when he picked up this cult like status, I'm guessing around the time of the Wicker Man. He really isn't a bad actor, he just makes a lot of bad choices. Also I think I'm the only person on Earth who can claim that he did a powerpoint presentation on the guy. I'm always sort of rooting for Cage and want him to make good movies. Is this a turnaround? Eh, kinda.
Knowing has a very cool premise that you just know won't be executed as well as you want it to be. Sure enough that's pretty much exactly what happens. The movie actually does have a lot of cool set-up and the first half is really good, maybe even the first 3/4's. It's in the last half hour or so that things kind of go to hell.
Cage is surprisingly subdued in this one. None of his over-acting shows up here. Sadly this almost becomes a little boring. You want him to start screaming and kicking women in the stomach but sadly it never happens. The rest of the cast is merely ok, and I couldn't tell you a single one of their names so they must not have made a huge impression on me.
This movie does have 2 stand-out sequences, which you probably already guessed are the disaster scenes. The first one is by far the better of the two, and it actually takes away some of the impact when you get to the 2nd disaster sequence because there is just no way it can compete with what you've already seen. I don't want to give away too much but the plane disaster is done entirely in one taken and it's really quite amazing to watch. Between this movie and Snake Eyes, Cage is quickly becoming the king of impressive one-shot sequences.
As disappointed as I am with how the story wraps up, when you think about it, there are very few other explanations there could have been. That doesn't stop it from still being silly though. Knowing is a good watch that sadly falls apart in the end, ruining a bit of what you have already seen. Also, if you talk about it for more than 20 seconds, you realize that just about the entire movie doesn't make any damn sense. But whatever, it's almost worth it for the plane sequence alone.
7/10
Under the Hood
I guess I probably should have put this and Black Freighter together in the same review but it's WAY too late for that now isn't it?!
Under the Hood is the other feature on the DVD and is essentially a look back at the original Minutemen. It takes a lot more material from the book and presents it as a TV program where the host shows interviews conducted with several members of the original group. While a lot of this is material taken straight out of the book, as with Black Freighter there is also a lot of new material here as well. This helps to keep things interesting and overall I actually found this to be the more interesting out of the two short films.
It's very cool to see some of the cast members from the movie reprising their roles here. I especially liked seeing more of Carla Gugino since I felt she could have used more screen time in the actual film. Of all the main characters she has the most to do here, with the others only offering a brief appearances, if even that. It's still neat to see them expanding on their roles however, and since I would imagine a lot of their dialogue during the interview segments is improvised, they deserve even more credit.
I'm not sure if people who aren't familiar with the Watchmen world would get as much out of this feature as it is generally a giant easter egg for the fans. I highly enjoyed it, but don't think it's something I would return to for repeat viewings. It's definitely worth checking out if you're a fan and want to see some more Watchmen. They did a really good job with this and again I have to applaud the effort that went into this when they easily could have just half assed it.
7/10
Tales of the Black Freighter
I was a huge fan of the Watchmen graphic novel and movie. I had already heard this was going to be released as its separate DVD, and frankly I wasn't that upset about it. As cool as it would have been to see this in the final version of the film, it was obviously the easiest thing to get rid of. Of course I was still curious to see how this came out. After watching it, I feel it's more of a cool bonus than anything. Maybe if they put it back into the movie it would bring it more into context and generally improve things, but as a standalone, it's merely ok.
I'll certainly give them credit for effort. The animation is very well done, and also has kind of a unique style going. I'm not good enough with words to describe it anymore beyond that, but the animation is well done. They easily could have half assed this but they didn't. Round of applause there.
There really isn't a whole lot of voice acting going on here, but Gerard Butler provides the voice of the lead character and he does a great job. His is really the only prominent voice so thank god it's done well.
The story is exactly the same as in the comic, but padded out to have at least some length. I actually watched this a second time with the graphic novel in hand, just to see how accurate it was and how faithful it remained. A lot of it is taken word for word, but there are quite a few changes here and there. All of the new material fits in perfectly however so again, a job well done there.
It is a bit ridiculous that this cartoon got its own DVD (granted there are other things on it but still) when the length is only around 20 minutes plus the credits. We're also apparently getting that 4 hour cut of the movie soon, so I'm sure they will be incorporating this cartoon back into the film. I think it will be a lot better when put into context with the rest of the story. As a standalone, it's a cool idea, but a pretty mediocre watch.
6/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Horror of Party Beach
Yep, another MST3K review. If it makes you feel any better I'm really sick of having to write them. There's at least 3 more by the time I get caught up with this blog too. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Anyway, the movie is of course, really bad. The first half hour is just people on a beach dancing. It's like that Batwoman movie, but at least that was amusing because it didn't make any god damn sense. Here it makes a little more sense, it's just stupid. I wonder if beaches were really like this in the 50's? The movies sure want to make us think so. If they were, it's officially my first stop once my time machine is ready.
Monsters then show up, I forget why. I do remember that they look friggin' hilarious though. They also move in a way that would make it impossible not to get away from them, and yet everybody always gets caught and killed.
Aside from the monsters themselves, the movie itself doesn't lend itself to being made fun of as easily as you would expect it to. Thankfully it's on a program that specializes in that and again, much of the funniest stuff comes from how random their comments are. The funniest stuff happens in the beginning and the end, with a wee bit of a lull in the middle.
HOW ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW YET?!
Movie - 2/10
Episode - 7.5/10
20 Million Miles to Earth
I'm not even sure if that's the right title but if you think for a second I have the motivation to open another tab and check for sure, well then you are no friend of mine.
This was my second Ray Harryhausen movie, after that bizarre moon one where aliens show up in the last half and really turn things around. This one is different in that I had actually heard of and knew roughly what it was going to be about. I also enjoyed this one a great deal more, but it could be because of this huge stop motion, monsters fighting phase I seem to be in at the moment. Or perhaps it just kicked ass.
The story is basically about the discovery of a monster who starts out really small and grows exponentially bigger over night. Of course he is viewed as a threat so they start attacking him but he just fucks everybody up....including an elephant, but we'll get to that a little later on.
The creature itself is pretty awesome, both in design and execution. I've already made clear that I'm a huge sucker for well-done stop-motion animation and this is some of the best, at least of that era. It's just fun to watch the thing move around and interact with people. Sure the effects are primitive looking now, but that's all part of the charm.
The highlight is definitely when the creature dukes it out with a stop-motion elephant. This has to be one of the best things I've ever seen in any movie. How often do you get to see anything fight an elephant, let alone a space monster?! I won't tell you who wins here because you should be forced to go and actually watch the movie. Needless to say they each put up one helluva good fight. I hope Rocky fights an elephant one day.
If you love stop-motion animated 50's science-fiction movie and dashes, (and who doesn't), then you will eat this shit up. I had a lot of fun watching it, even if the beginning did move a little slow, something I maybe should have mentioned in the bulk of the review but fuck off.
7.5/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Eegah!
Wow best movie of all time? No, but in the top 5 for sure.
Sadly the movie itself doesn't live up to the title. It's stupid yes, but it's actually more boring than anything else. It does have the guy who plays Jaws in the Bond movies playing Eegah, which I guess is sort of maybe a little tiny bit cool? Eegah for the record is a caveman who is found alive. That seems to be really all the backstory there is to him.
The main story involves Eegah kidnapping this woman away from her really goofy, terrible actor boyfriend. The boyfriend spends most of the movie wandering aimlessly around the desert calling out his girlfriend's name. He spends like 2 days doing this, without ever leaving the same area. He has to be admired for his commitment, not so much for his intelligence. It's also impossible to root for the guy since at one point he actually says the phrase "Wow-zee-wow-wow." Trust me it's even more painful to hear than it is to read.
The girlfriend spends the entire movie in a cave with Eegah, who holds her hostage. He is also holding her dad hostage in the same cave for reasons unknown. There is one very bizarre scene where the girlfriend shaves her dad, then Eegah. Very odd stuff.
Anyway Eegah holds the girl hostage, feeds her gross food, tries to kill her father and then attempts to rape her. Yet somehow in the midst of all that, she develops some feelings towards him. I know I don't understand it either. I don't buy into most romantic comedy couples and at least they tend to show some actual affection. You don't see any of that here and yet she falls for him.
The MST3K aspect of it is of course funny. It always is. They don't point out my above paragraph though, which is strange. Maybe I missed something? The movie itself is worth a few laughs at it's expense, and I'm not even going to bother telling you to watch MST3K anymore because you should have learned by now!
Movie - 2/10
Episode - 8/10
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - I Accuse My Parents
As far as old movies go, this one is actually pretty compentently made, which makes its presence in the IMDB bottom 100 a little strange. It's still a pretty bad movie, but compared to the caliber of stuff they watch on this show, it's a cut above the rest. Why do I get the feeling I've already typed almost that exact same sentence in another review. Hmmmm.
As is getting to be the case with these MST3K episodes, I don't really have a lot to say about this. I'm actually starting to cut back on watching them just because I don't want to have to write a whole slew of reviews for them.
This is, and remains, my favourite episode of the show so far. It's not even so much that the movie is ripe to make fun of. As I said it's actually a pretty odd choice. It's the complete randomness of the comments which are being made about it that make it fantastic.
That's it. Shortest review ever. Funny stuff.
8/10
Dead in 3 Days
The "Dimension Extreme" label often doesn't live up to its own name. A few movies that have been released under the company qualify. I would say Teeth for sure. A vagina that eats penises is definitely pretty fucking extreme. Inside is under the label as well, and we all remember my thoughts on that horrifying thing. Dead in 3 Days however....there is very little 'extreme' about this title except maybe what an "extreme" rip-off it is of I know What You Did Last Summer.
IKWYDLS (fuck even the acronym takes forever to type out) isn't the first movie that leaps to mind when you think of classic horror movies to borrow from. Yet here we are. Dead in 3 Days follows the same basic idea, even down to the outfit the killer wears. It bares an uncanny resemblance to the one from Summer.
The one key difference is the actual car accident scene. Of course in Summer they hit a guy, which lead to all sorts of shenanigans. In this movie....they hit a deer. It's played just the same as Summer, only a deer instead of an actual human being. They couldn't really be basing the whole plot on this event could they? Well, no they actually aren't. See after this scene is over, none of the characters ever mention it again. It's the strangest thing. A 5 minute scene near the start of the movie which you think will play a key role, is forgotten almost immediately. Maybe the cameras happened to catch an actual on-set deer slaughter, who knows? Either way it makes no sense.
Another thing that makes very little of the sense is the treatment of a certain character. He is the usual obligatory scapegoat character. The one we are led to believe is actually the killer but we know within seconds that he really isn't. One of the characters goes out of her way to accuse him, constantly reminding us "god he's so creepy", "he's such a creep", "he gives me the creeps", fucking etc. We never find out why the hell she is so hostile towards him. We wait for the explanation, but we never ever get it. Then the character makes this huge heroic gesture for that character, and she again, never talks about it to anyone. So who the fuck was this guy? Why does everyone stop talking about significant events 2 seconds after they happen?
The movie itself is watchable, but painfully average. The deaths are blah, the concept is very familiar, and none of the characters are particularly likable. The reveal of the killer is also very left fieldish and a little dumb. Overall, not very extreme.
5.5/10 - just above average
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