Rock N'Rolla

It's nice to see Guy Ritchie making quality stuff again. It's pretty common knowledge that Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch, are both kick ass movies. Then we had Swept Away, which I saw maybe 10 minutes of but it was enough to make me gouge my own eyes out. My new ones are made of iron but you would never guess. Then Revolver was a confusing mess that I just couldn't devote my attention to.

Rock N' Rolla is a return to the glory days. Ritchie can do these kind of movies in his sleep, but he does them well. Just about better than anyone actually. He creates interesting characters and an interesting story to put them in. It's 2 hours of pretty much nothing but talking but damn it's entertaining.

There is really only one action sequence in the whole thing but it's a well done one. It's a pretty small scale action scene, and much of it is played for laughs, but it's a fun watch, no doubt about that.

The acting is also great, with not really a weak link in the bunch. Hell there aren't even really any stand-outs, every one is very solid. I guess I would give the edge to Tom Wilkinson though, he was awesome. As was Gerard Butler though. Thank god he's moved away from PS. I love You and Nim's Island and back to his more 300 days. Wait...you say his next movie is called The Ugly Truth? And it co-stars Katherine Heigl? And they play morning show hosts who hate each other, but then no doubt fall for each other? God damn it Butler.

I won't get into the story too much here but it's a good one. Just make sure to fucking pay attention. Shark in Venice could learn a few things from this one in how to do a proper crime movie. Although this one could learn a few things from it, in that there wasn't a single shark in this one. There is not even a single Baldwin brother in here either, which is really a huge missed oppurtunity. What the fuck Guy Richie, what the fuck?

It's too bad this movie didn't do better since apparently there are supposed to be 2 more sequels. Unless the DVD does huge, we probably won't ever see them, which is really too bad. So everyone go buy this DVD! If Paul Blart can get a sequel, than this one fucking better. *cries because he remembered Paul Blart is getting a sequel*

7.5/10

Extra Trivia: CINDERELLA STORY IS THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER! BUUUUUUUUURN!!!!

Shark in Venice

I know what you're thinking. With a title like this, how could it not be the absolute greatest movie ever? Or maybe even the greatest thing ever, not just movie? Well, I was just as shocked as you no doubt will be ....but this movie is actually really terrible.

Oh god I don't even know where to even begin with this one. I guess we'll start with the fact that for a movie called Shark in Venice, there is very little shark in venice-ing in the actual movie. The plot is more like somebody tried to combine the Godfather and Indiana Jones, only they used the spare change in their pocket to make the whole thing, and they had never actually seen either of those movies.

The plot is about some buried treasure that the mob is after but theres sharks in the way? Something like that. It could be even stupider than that I'm sure. So most of the movie is people talking on land. Occasionally though they do go diving in the water, where they are usually attacked by some documentary footage of a shark.

Oh yes thats right. Nothing in this movie is real. Every now and then we get to see some exterior shots of Venice that I'm sure were taken from a tourism video. Then we always cut to the actors in a hotel or a car. Clearly not in Venice. 

The movie also stars Stephen Baldwin, who quickly shows us why Alec gets the most work in the family. Poor Stephen is going to get eaten alive at the Baldwin Christmas dinner this year.

Alec "So my sitcom just won 6 more emmys. You catch that Italian shark or whatever the fuck Stephen?"

Stephen (in tears) "It's Shark in Venice! Shark in Venice"

Alec "Shut the fuck up and get me more potatos."

Stephen "Yes sir."

Poor guy. I'd say he deserves better but well, I don't want to lie. The fact that he has 10 times as much screentime as the shark is sickening. The shark's name is the title!!!  It's not called "Stephen Baldwin in Venice" though I still would have watched that movie.

Another odd thing is the ending of the movie. The mafia/treasure situation is resolved...but not the shark one. When the movie ends, we know there is still a shark eating innocent people, but the movie seems to have forgotten. How does that happen?! They really must have had some generic mafia movie and decided "fuck it! bring on the sharks!"

I can't even recommend this one for a so bad it's good viewing. It has a couple of funny moments early on, but trust me the laughter dies very quickly. Then all you are left with is emptiness and sadness.

2/10 (there is indeed a shark in venice...which is worth a point)

Amusement

This one could have been good. It's got a cool cover, the production value is surprisingly high, the acting is surprisingly good. Basically this started out like it was going to be one of those rare surprises in the horror genre. Doesn't take long for those hopes to be dashed.

Apparently this movie has been sitting on the shelf for almost 2 years. It was supposed to be released in theatres late last year but was not and is now being silently tossed out on DVD. I'll admit it's better than most theatrical horror movies, but it's still not good.

The movie actually turns out to be a horror anthology, telling several different stories throughout. The first one just involves a trucker and a convoy and a bunch of unoriginal ideas. It really reminded me of Joy Ride, but only if that movie sucked.

Now the 2nd story however, everything turns around. The second story involves a creepy clown, so right away the filmmakers barely even had to try to make this one scary. Everyone knows clowns are terrifying. Anyone who doesn't know this has only met the 1% of clowns who are actually ok. The rest of us know all about the remaining 99% who want nothing more than to wrap you in cotton candy until they need to drink your blood through a huge novelty straw.

The 2nd story in this movie is actually done well. It's creepy and effective and the best part is, you can watch it, enjoy it, and not have to bother with the rest of the movie. The third story is also generic and boring.

The end of the movie tries to tie everything together but by that point I was gone. I didn't care anymore. The movie had me for about 15 minutes and that was it. 

5/10 for the clown story alone

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

This movie was way better than it had any right to be. I wasn't expecting much. I remember the trailer playing constantly and I think I started to dislike the actual movie because of that. It's actually good. Hell I would even go as far as to say really good. 

It's not really an original movie. It's not hilarious, it's not even particularily memorable, but while it lasts it makes for good watching. The characters are likable, there are a few good laughs and it's just...pleasant. 

I do think Michael Cera is soon going to have to find a new routine. He's been playing the same character since well, ever. He's no doubt really good at playing that role, but he needs to show he's capable of more or I think he could be in trouble. He can probably get a couple more movies out before people start to catch on. By that point though, he'll have 80 billion dollars and will be able to afford to not give a shit.

I also really liked Kat Dennings as Norah and was glad to see her in a starring role, which I don't think she's had yet. Her friend was good too and played one of the most convincing drunks I've seen in a movie maybe ever. I've hung out with that character many times before, so that was cool.

The movie doesn't really take place in reality. The whole movie takes place in one night in New York, but this isn't real New York, this is movie New York. This is where you're never in danger of being raped or murdered or robbed no matter where you go at what time. You'll always get a terrific parking spot right in front of the place you're heading. Whatever though. I can accept that.

This is a very solid movie that was a huge surprise for me. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting much and it wouldn't hold up as well on the second viewing...or maybe it's because I'm desperate to give a movie above a 7.5/10, but I really enjoyed this one.

8/10 

Black Sheep

New Zealand has produced some awesome horror movies. Dead Alive and Bad Taste come immediately to mind. Black Sheep can now join that crowd. This movie is about sheep eating people. Sheep eating people!!! If you're not already going to watch this movie, then I want you off my planet.

Obviously with a premise like that the movie can't be taken very seriously. It's more a dark comedy than a horror movie, but it also has a lot of gore. A lot of gore. It's not ever gross though because remember, it's sheep eating people. You can't help but laugh no matter how graphic things may get.

Some of the jokes are pretty lame, but you still laugh at them. Clearly the people involved here were having a lot of fun and that translates right to the viewer. It's just a fun time. It's only like 80 minutes long too so it's over quickly. They get a lot out of the story and there's another whole aspect involving the humans that i don't want to even spoil here because it's just too awesome to ruin. Check this one out. It's not like anything you've seen before...and if it is...you and I need to hang out more.

7.5/10

Masters of the Universe

Bought this one for 4 bucks last year and never watched it because well, it's pretty obvious it's going to be terrible. The Masters of the Universe toys kicked ass. One was just a skunk figure that smelled bad. That's fucking awesome. That to me shows that the toy company almost hated children. Either way making these toys into a decent movie should have been easy. Unless of course the crew is made up of blind people and lamps, which is what must have happened here.

This movie is just stupid. There really isn't much more to say about it than that. It's just really stupid. Not even 80's fun stupid, just painful to watch the whole thing stupid. It's cool to see Courtenay Cox at first, until you realize you don't really like Courtenay Cox. Dolph Lundgren is always awesome though, but he isn't even the focus here despite playing He-man, the main fucking character!! It's also kind of strange that Frank Langella, who plays Skeletor in the movie, is currently up for an Oscar for his performance as Richard Nixon is Frost/Nixon. Oh how far he has come.

The movie is seeped in 80's ness, even featuring a synthesizer in a huge plot element. It makes for a few unintentional laughs, but that's about it. Plus He-man uses a gun an awful for someone who is known for using a huge sword! This leads me to believe nobody involved in this movie had any idea what the toys even were. You could have called this movie "Polly Pocket Playtime Adventures" or "Dr. Dreadful Food Lab the Movie" and they would be just as connected to those toys. BAH!

5/10 for some unintentional laughs

Superman The Movie

Believe it or not I have never seen this movie. I've owned the DVD since right before Superman Returns came out but never watched it. Of course not enjoying Superman Returns didn't exactly make me want to rush out and watch this one. As long as Superman didn't bitch and moan for 150 minutes, I was on board.

Turns out the original is a good movie and deserves it's reputation. I didn't love it, but it beats Returns. It takes a while to get going and manages to tell the story Smallville has taken 7 years to tell in about 20 minutes.

Christopher Reeve is definitely good at Superman and it was awesome to see the whole changing in the phone booth angle. Although what the hell was with the part where he's falling through the air in his normal clothes and all of a sudden just transforms into Superman? If he can do that then why the fuck does he ever need a phone booth? I guess the man does see through lead and well, fly, so maybe I shouldn't be dissecting this one.

My biggest problem with this movie is Lois Lane. She bothered me. I never understood what Clark Kent or Superman saw in her. Superman should have just punched a hole through her stomach and moved on. He actually flies around the world to turn back time and save her. I wouldn't walk 10 feet to save her life. Come on Supes, you're better than this. She also has a monologue in her head that lasts about 6 minutes. Personally I was hoping Superman would drop her, shrug, and fly off.

For a movie that's 30 years old, this one holds up well and is way better than Returns, which came out like 27 years later. It has flaws and it's way too long, but it's pretty good.

7/10

Broken

I got this one last week from zip.ca, an online rental company my girlfriend and I signed up with. Overall pretty happy with their service so far. This one was sort of accidently put near the top of the list, but I wanted to see it. It looked a little bit like that movie Inside, and we all remember how badly that one fucked me up. Therefore I was pretty curious to see what this one had in store for me.

Turns out not fucking much. The first few minutes do offer some pretty intense gore and really looked like it would be setting the stage for what was to come. Well after that, nothing happens. Nothing happens for a really long fucking time. The premise is pretty familiar. A mother and daughter are kidnapped by some random psycho and the mother is put through these "tests", all the while wondering if her daughter is actually safe.

It's familar, but there is still some potential to make a pretty interesting movie here. Unfortunatly this one is not interesting. I've read that some people have said it was "tense", but I found it really dull. When an 80 minute movie feels like it's over 2 hours long, not a good sign.

There is one more moment of gore near the end, that brings back the old instincts that maybe things are about to get good. But they don't. The ending is actually a little surprising but feels tacked on for some shock elements.

Overall don't bother with this one. Only about 3 or 4 minutes out of the 80 are worth watching and the rest are painfully boring.

3/10

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My god was I ever hyped for this one. This was almost like this year's Cloverfield, only I wasn't quite as excited as I was for that one. I do still think this year will both revive and murder the 3D movie, but until that happens I'm gonna enjoy them. 

Horror movies are the perfect genre to make the jump into the third dimension. It works so well. The real test though, and the same goes for just about any 3D movie, would the movie be worth watching if it was just 2D? Well I've seen 2 3D movies up until this point, Spy Kids 3D and Journey to the Centre of the Earth. For both of those movies I would say absolutely not. The 3D is the only redeeming quality about them for sure. 

My Bloody Valentine though, in itself is an entertaining movie, no matter what dimension you're watching it in. It never felt like they were making it for the sake of making a 3D movie. It felt more like they had a pretty entertaining movie already, and decided to put it in 3D to make it that much more awesome.

I haven't seen the original in many years now but I don't think this one really strays too far from it overall. It would feel right at home if it were released in the 80's during the whole slasher movie craze. It's fun, it's gory, it's silly, and it's just a lot of fucking fun.

Then when you factor in the 3D it jumps things up about 20 more notches. I loved the 3D in this. Some effects were better than others but there was a lot of great moments that actually had me occasionally leaning back in my seat. I liked that the effects moments were natural and not forced. There weren't really any "hey hand me that pole" "ok" (slowly jams pole towards camera)  or "awesome a yo-yo" type moments. All of the 3D fit perfectly into the movie and felt very natural.

Overall I loved the experience of watching the movie, and even enjoyed the movie itself too. Definitely check this one, but in 3D if possible. I think it will lose something when you enter that boring fucking second dimension.

8/10

Bride Wars

I had literally zero interest in this one. Zero. In fact this was one of my biggest examples of how happy I was that I didn't have to see every movie in 2009. But it turned out not to matter because I ended up seeing it anyway. I watched it half because I was curious to see if the ending I predicted would turn out to be true, and half because after The Unborn my girlfriend wanted to watch something lighter as a change of pace. 

This may be another one of those movies like Twilight and Mamma Mia that I'm simply not supposed to get. I don't think so though. I think this is just a bad movie. It's not completely unwatchable and I'm sure it won't make the bottom 10 of the year, but it's bad. It's not at all funny and manages to play it safe in just about every regard. Had this movie had the balls to step up and be a somewhat dark comedy, it would have been so much better. Instead it's just a fluff ball piece of crap.

The problem, aside from almost never being funny, is the plot and characters. There is almost no likable person in this thing. The whole message of the movie seems to be that no wedding is worth having unless it's huge and extravagant. Even if you're marrying the person you love, doesn't fucking matter. Maybe not quite that far, but there are definitely tones of this idea all over the movie. 

Kate Hudson had better watch out because sooner or later Hollywood is going to figure out that she hasn't made a good movie since her first role ever in Almost Famous. I mean her last three were Bride Wars, My Best Friend's Girl and Fool's Gold. That should be enough to sink a career but here we are. Bride Wars is raking in cash though so that definitely won't be putting a stop to her anytime soon. As for Anne Hathaway, well I like her and I think she deserves way better than this.

I can't support this movie at all. The humour falls flat, the characters aren't likable and it just plays it all waaaaay too fucking safe. Skip it.

3.5/10

The Unborn

First official movie of 2009. It's definitely a better way to kick off this year than last year's One Missed Call, but it's not really a gigantic step up. This is a great example of a trailer making a movie look way better than it actually is. You can call the trailer essentially a highlight reel, showing all the best stuff. 

The formula of the movie itself breaks down like this...30 seconds to 1 minute of decent horror movie related stuff, then 15 to 20 minutes of exposition. The storyline is interesting enough, but not nearly interesting enough to justify all of this talky talky. It gets a bit heavy at times, and always feels just a little too familiar.

The acting and dialogue is mediocre at best. These movies must be ridiculously easy to write. Some of the "jokes" are beyond lame, and yet they always seemed to get a laugh, no matter how eye rolling they were. The movie also can't get away with any gore with its PG-13 rating so don't go in expecting much there. There are a couple gruesome moments but nothing My Bloody Valentine won't fucking demolish.

On the subject of being PG-13, I think every studio head who is behind a PG-13 horror movie should go and watch them opening night with a public audience. That way they can see the annoying 13 year old girls that come and watch these things. Then they can realize "wow this is really fucking annoying, let's up the rating on these suckers from now on and never put anyone through this shit again." It's ridiculous. The screaming is fine, it's the ensuing 2 minutes of talking and laughing about how they just screamed that does it for me. There was even one of those classic "shut up" "you shut up" back and forths and the "you shut up" got the crowd laughing. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Crowd aside, it's a decent movie with a couple of awesome moments (spider walking backwards man for the win, that fucker should be in every movie ever) and way too much story telling. The main girl also has a great behind...so there's that.

6/10 

From Russia With Love

This one is by far the oldest movie I've reviewed on here so far, but maybe not for long. I've recently been trying to watch more of the older Bond movies and this seemed like a good one to put near the beginning. I've always heard it's one of the better ones. There's no doubt it's a solid movie, but I can't quite put it at the top.

It's still cool to see where Bond started. This is back before the gadgets and silliness got really out of hand. No trips to the moon for Bond in this one I'm afraid. Just a really long train ride. The action is more of a background element with the story and everything put more up front. A much bigger change than the invisible fucking cars of today's Bond movies. 

This is only the second movie I've seen with Connery as Bond and there is definitely a reason he has the reputation he does with the role. The man is a great Bond and it's easy to see why people have compared every subsequent actor to his performance. Although my GOD he is hairy! There is even a healthy dose of back hair going on here, which I don't think movies would ever allow to happen these days. Watching it in bluray even makes the back hair hi def, so maybe nobody even noticed until now.

I really don't have that much more to say about this one. The story is pretty simple, but good. The acting is solid and hairy. The few action scenes there are are good. They must have really stretched things for that From Russia With Love video game though. I think that game even had a jetpack, which this movie certainly doesn't.....strange.

7/10

Tales from the Crypt Season 1

Sure it's not a movie review but damn it I watched the whole thing and I'm going to review it. I was going to do an episode by episode breakdown of it but meh, I don't feel like taking the time and that pattern will get terrible once these seasons expand to like 20 episodes. This one was only 6 however.

I have never seen the show before so it was pretty interesting. I've always been a sucker for horror anthology shows and it sucks that they never seem to last long on TV. I was excited to check this one out. 

Each episode seems to follow the same basic formula, an asshole who gets their come uppance. Works for me. There is literally nothing I enjoy more than watching assholes get fucked over. I would love to make my own episode where a person in line at McDonald's for 15 minutes doesn't know what they want when they finally get to the front. Then when they decide, they still have to think about their answers for questions like "what would you like to drink with that?" They didn't ask you which of your children you will let die, it's a simple fucking question! Anyway at the end of the episode they are eaten by a huge snake. Not much of a twist and it makes no sense, but damn that would be satisfying to watch.

Anyway, it's a solid show. The first episode had a twist so easy to predict I had it within 14 seconds. Even explaining the very basic premise to my girlfriend was enough for her to get it immediately. Not a great start to things but it really picks up from there and the episodes start to get more and more solid.

6 solid episodes (well more like 4 actually), cast members which make you go "holy shit it's so and so", and directors like Robert Zemeckis, adds up to a solid first season of this show. I look forward to checking out season 2.

7.5/10

Repo The Genetic Opera

I wanted to see this one a lot earlier but oh well, at least I got to see it at all. This could have turned into one of those bizarre Trick r Treat instances where the movie just disappears off the face of the god damn earth.

I love going into movies where I have no fucking clue what to expect. This was one of those rare times. I knew some cast members but I had no idea what the story was, or how any of the songs went.

First off, this movie deserves tons of credit just for existing. Somehow this thing actually got made, and to me that is awesome. No big names (Paris Hilton MAYBE), a hard to sell premise and yet somehow, here it is. That's just kick ass to me. 

Thankfully the movie is also pretty entertaining so that makes its existence that much better. It's unlike anything I have ever seen before that's for damn sure. The cast is pretty awesome and it's always cool to see Giles in a movie, especially singing and killing people. Spy Kids also does a really good job, with a couple weak moments here and there. She also grew up to be pretty hot I must say. Even Paris Hilton manages to score ok, and her final moment is pure awesome.

The music is good, with a few numbers that stand out above the others. There are a few weak tracks but it's overall enjoyable, which is good since I would say 95% of the movie is done through song. Must be a fucking long soundtrack.

Overall this movie gets an above average score because it managed to get made, and managed to be pretty entertaining. My hat goes off to you Repo The Genetic Opera.

7/10

City of Ember

Another one of the 2008 movies I missed. It figures that these would start showing up after I decided I was done with the blog. Oh well, this one wouldn't have made a huge impact anyway. It's not a bad movie at all, but it's pretty middle of the road.

It's based on a book I haven't read, but want to more after watching the movie. However that's mostly because I want to see if the book explains more than the movie does. The movie leaves a good chuck of gaps in the plot and leaves several things completely unexplained. Maybe it's a setup for further stories but in the end, I wish I was told more.

As a kids movie though, this one is definitely above average. It's another good example of giving kids credit. It tells a pretty bleak story and contains some very dark elements. There is little humour and it's a pretty good adventure that you do get caught up in. 

The main two kids are good, but I wish we could have spent some more time with the adult characters. Bill Murray and Tim Robbins have very little screentime and I wish we got to see more of them. They're good here, but it's weird they even agreed to be in the movie with such little time in it.

The movie is better than I thought it would be I have to say. I just wish there was more to it. Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there somewhere and I wouldn't mind seeing it. Either way, give this one to the kids instead of 90% of the other crap out there. It's even good for the adults too.

7/10

Yes Man

This one should maybe go in the 2008 blog, and maybe I'll still put this one there. I didnt really care much about this movie but it turned out to be something of a pleasant surprise. It's definitely not hilarious and nowhere near most of last year's comedies, but it's fun and entertaining.

Thankfully Jim Carrey tones it down. His performance in Bruce Almighty is grating to watch and you just want to shake him and tell him to calm the fuck down. It actually ruined huge parts of the movie for me. Here he is much more restrained. He plays a normal guy, and it works better for the movie. Although the Red Bull scene is just as terrible now as it was in the first trailer.

Thank god too that Zooey Deschanel has managed to rebound from The Happening. I knew she was good! She's adorable here and you actually do believe her and Jim could be a couple. The boss is good too, although he is essentially playing the same characters as in Flight of the Conchords...great show by the way.

The movie is never fall down funny but it's good for some smiles and is just an overall decent way to spend 90 minutes. Don't rush to a theatre for it, but it will make for a solid DVD rental down the road.

6.5/10

Pulse 3

After the garbage heap that was Pulse 2 I'm not even really sure why I decided to subject myself to this one. I guess it's because I heard they actually wrapped up the storyline and I figured I've put in this much effort, might as well finish things up. It's better than 2, but it's better in the same way that being kicked in the stomach is better than being kicked in the nuts.

The main problem I have with this movie is similar to a problem I had with the second one. This is a story that doesn't need to be told. Who thought this would be the best way to continue the storyline? It's just stupid, and nothing even happens until the final 10 minutes, and nothing much happens then either.

The first 80 minutes of this are boring as shit. We follow a girl we don't care about on a green screen quest we also don't care about. The green screen is still there, but not nearly as bad as the last one. Still pathetic though. It even cuts back and forth from location to green screen, and it's laughably terrible.

There is also a scene of exposition in this thing that goes on for 12 FUCKING MINUTES! It's unbelievable! It tops Fools Gold even. The editor must have just been pissed at the movie or something because this is unbelievable.

Overall, Pulse 3 is boring and pointless. Skip it. It's quite something that this one and Pulse 2 made the first Pulse remake look like a horror classic.

3/10   mostly because the lead girl is pretty hot and it did make me laugh a couple of times, even though it shouldnt have

Vacancy 2: The First Cut

The reason I watched Vacancy again is to get ready for it's direct to DVD sequel. Oh but it's not a sequel at all...it's a prequel!! This actually knid of makes everything more pointless. I mean I guess the story of how these guys got started making snuff movies could be interesting but turns out it really isn't. The whole thing feels like a story we didn't need told to us.

There are two things about it I did find interesting though. The first is that this movie is the exact same length as the first Vacancy, right down the number of seconds. If they didn't plan that then well, that's definitely a sign of the apocalypse right there.

The second is that, in a rare twist for these direct to DVD sequels, this one actually has the same writer as the first one. I can't accept that he wrote this because he wanted to. I'm guessing the studio wanted it, tossed some money at him, and he tossed this script at them. It's such a drop in quality from the first one that it's kind of shocking.

I mean it's not a completely horrible movie like Pulse 2, but it's not very good. It's a little boring and does nothing too new. The whole thing plays out with few surprises (well ok the death order is a little surprising I guess) and is overall blah. With the exception of one moment...

SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE WHO ACTUALLY CARE!!!!


it does contain one hilarious part where a girl wathces her boyfriend get stabbed like 12 times and then later on she wants to go back for him and the other guy is like "it's too late he's dead" and she starts screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" for about a minute and this insanely over the top dramatic music starts in and ...it's awesome. of course he's dead! bitch you just watched him get stabbed for like 30 straight seconds...you dont walk away from that.

END SPOILERS

So that part made me laugh but other than that, not a whole lot here.

4.5/10

Vacancy

Rewatched this one for the first after having seen it in theatres when it was first released. I enjoyed it at the time and while it doesn't quite hold up as well on the second viewing, it's still a decent thriller.

It's a very simple movie but it works well. There's no complicated backstory or plot, just two characters in a fucked up situation trying to survive the night. The tension builds for a while and the movie relies on suspense rather than gore and lame ass Prom Night-esque jump scares. That's getting rare these days (we get about one of these a year it seems, with 2008 giving us The Strangers) and it's something to celebrate I think.

Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale are good in the lead roles and the villians are underdeveloped, but that helps make them scarier because you know they're insane and that's all you really need to know.

The ending still pissed me off but overall this is a decent thriller that makes for a suspenseful 80 minutes. It flies by and is good for a few scares and creepy moments.

7/10

DVD EXTRAS: I've decided to start adding this in for movies I've maybe seen before, or for when I actually take the time to watch the bonus features.

Not a whole lot here. An opening sequence I'm really glad they didn't use, and your basic making of that's mostly just a huge promotion for the movie with a couple behind the scenes things here and there. I did like seeing them building the huge motel set. You can also watch the uncut snuff movie scenes. Pretty sure my neighbors are terrified of me now since I know they could hear that shit. Overall, pretty mediocre extras. Could have used a commentary track.

Extras - 5/10

Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach

I remember reading reviews for this way back like a year and a half, maybe two years ago. They were from a screening they held I guess back when they were planning to have a theatrical release for this thing. Well time went by and here it is, resurfacing from the shit swamp that is direct to DVD. I was holding on to some hope that maybe this was one of those pleasant surprises that maybe should have been released in theatres. Nope, not at all.

Not sure what attracted Seann William Scott to this one. The man has made some bad movies before but this one? Apparently the screenplay also won some award? Was it the only entry in this contest? Was the contest held by the writer himself? It's not funny. I think I laughed once, and it may have been a trick.

The movie is filthy, but not at all in a funny way. Most of the jokes are just really lame. One point Seann is making a smoothie and takes his underwear and wrings the sweat out of them into the blender. It's supposed to be dirty I guess but it doesn't make any sense and it's just stupid. This is pretty much the whole movie.

Don't bother with this one. It's roll your eyes unfunny.

3/10

Taken

Pretty standard plot in this one. A father/ex-spy travels over to Paris to find and save Shannon from Lost (aka his daughter) who is kidnapped literally within minutes after getting off the plane. Sounds familiar right? Oh but did I mention the father is Liam fucking Neeson?

That's right. The man who helped his son get the girl in Love Actually. The lion from Narnia. Oskar fucking Schindler. Who knew how big a badass this guy could be? At first I wasn't sure I could buy into him being an action star but leave it to Luc Besson to prove me wrong. Within about 10 minutes I was completely sold.

This thing is as basic as can be. It's all just about Liam Neeson kicking ass and getting the bad guys. It's simple, but it's awesome. It almost could be a direct to DVD movie but they got a good cast attached which definitely helps it. The action is solid, even if things do take a while to get going.

I think this one is hitting theatres on January 23rd so I would check it out. It's very simple and pretty mindless, but fun as hell.

7.5/10

Inside

What the fuck?! WHAT THE FUCK?! What was this?! How does this exist?! Why did I have to watch this?! How many years is it going to take for these horrible images to be no longer burned into my mind?!

I was interested in this one for a while now. Finally sat down to watch it last night at like 1 AM...by myself...in the dark. Brialliant choice on my part. This movie is intense and right fucking insane. Those french guys sure do know how to make a horror movie that will grab your brain and destroy the shit out of it.

The movie is gory and disturbing beyond any level I've maybe ever seen. I've seen some pretty messed up stuff in movies but I don't think any of it comes close to anything in this thing. Just when you think you've seen the worst this thing has to offer, it tops it almost immediatly. The last section of this movie is just...just wow. It's a tense atmosphere throughout with a huge amount of suspense and imagery that will haunt you until your dying day.

I really don't even know whether to recommend this one or not. It's definitely unlike anything you've seen before. The gore level is through the roof and the thing is disturbing as hell and will leave you wanting to watch Sleeping Beauty or Bambi or just anything wholesome you can get your hands on. Good luck sleeping after this one.

7.5/10

Boogeyman 3

Fitting that the first official review from my '08 blog was for the second Boogeyman. I was blown away that a second one existed but a third? Could this be the most unneccesary trilogy of all time? The weird thing is, each one is actually better than the last. Granted the first one was a pile of garbage so it wasn't hard to improve on that. The second one was a decent watch with a huge shift in story and more of an emphasis on gore.

Now the third one is a weird hybrid of the first and second movies. It brings back the supernatural elements of the first one, while keeping the gore emphasis and the basic "students getting killed off one by one" mentality. It's a pretty fitting choice really. It's really the only logical step this "franchise" could have taken.

The storyline is meh and very reminiscent of the other movies. At least it does make somewhat of an effort to tie the stories into the other ones though. It's interesting enough, and does contain a lot more effort than usually goes into these things. My big problem was the ending. It suffers from Lord of the Rings sydrome in that this movie ends like 3 times before the actual credits roll. Had it ended with the first fake out ending, it would have been kind of awesome. But it doesn't sadly.

The gore is also pretty decent. Not quite as insane as the second movie, but it's there. There are a couple of creepy moments and the design on the boogeyman creature itself is ok but you never get a great look at it. Overall, decent. If each movie improves just a little bit over the last one, by Boogeyman 7 we're going to be in fucking business.

6/10 (yea the ratings are out of 10 now, deal!)

And Now For Something Completely Different...

After doing a 2008 movie quest, the idea of doing it again was about as appealing as spending the year eating nothing but nails and puppies. However I still kind of wanted to keep up some sort of blog. It wasn't like I wasn't going to see anything this year, and I enjoyed writing reviews...for the most part anyway.

So I decided to start up a blog for basically any movie I happen to watch. It could be 2009 theatre movies, direct to DVD movies, movies I've never seen before, movies I haven't seen in a while, etc. It's anything at all I happen to watch. From Lethel Weapon 2 to My Bloody Valentine 3D, this will be all over the map. It's more for fun this year. So enjoy reading a lot of reviews for movies that are probably decades old and have been seen by everyone!