Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations

Apparently there was just more story to tell that couldn't be contained within the first two movies. However as expected, this one follows the same route as the second Butterfly Effect, as well as every other direct to DVD sequel ever, in that it just retells the exact same story but with a few changes and different characters. 

Also why wasn't it enough to just have the title end at 3? Did they really need 'Revelations' at the end? There are some revelations I guess, but isn't that true for most movies? Way to dip into the generic subtitles there guys. Couldn't use 'Requiem' or 'Reborn' or whatever the hell else?

I actually really liked the first movie, not so much the second one. This one is merely ok. Granted they do try and do something a little different by having the main character trying to track down a serial killer. It makes things a little more interesting even if you're pretty sure who the killer is going to turn out to be.

I didn't recognize any of the actors in the movie, and they didn't make enough of an impression for me to go searching for their past work. They do fine and nobody stands out as being a terrible actor, but nobody stands out as mind-blowing. Well the girl with the large breasts who gets naked stands out, but not so much because of her acting.

There seems to be a lot of holes in the story too, which is to be expected when it comes to time travel movies. I'm not sure if these holes are there by mistake, or if it's one of those movies that you're supposed to talk about after it's over. There are a couple things you can tell are put there on purpose to make you think, and I will admit that I did think about them for a few minutes after the movie was over. Then I started watching Pineapple Express and forgot all about it.

Butterfly Effect 3 keeps your interest and is not a terrible movie by any means. It's just rather pointless overall. It does have some effective scenes and the ending is a bit of an emotional punch to the gut. Plus this is a huge improvement over the second installment since at least they attempt to do something different. 

6/10

Mysterious Island

It seems all our online rental service will send us out now is Ray Harryhausen movies as this is the fourth one we've received in quick succession and there is apparently a fifth one now on its way as well. I don't really mind as I am enjoying these movies but my god a little variety please zip.ca!!

Again I knew absolutely nothing about this movie when it arrived in the mail. Sometimes that can be fun though, going into a movie completely blind with no idea what you're going to get from it. When I loaded up the DVD the first thing I saw on the menu screen was a group of people fighting a giant crab. So I knew I was in for at least one really entertaining scene.

The movie itself is again alright. It kind of makes me wish that I could live in that decade and experience these movies when they were first released. I bet they blew people's fucking minds back then. I also can't help but wonder if these scripts already existed and Ray Harryhausen was asked to do the effects for them, or if they wrote scripts around seeing what sorts of cool shit Ray was capable of. Maybe there was a script only Ray saw it and said "Are you fucking kidding me? Why is nobody fighting a giant crab?!" And the rest is history.

Too much of this movie is spent following our main characters as they wander around this mysterious island. The highlights are of course whenever they stumble upon, and subsequently fight a giant creature of some sort. The huge crab is the first, and they react to it's existence just a little too calmly for my liking. The sequence itself is awesome though, but then afterwards it starts to look like maybe that will be the only huge monster fight.

BUT THEN WAIT! A BIG FUCKING WEIRD OSTRICH PURPLE BIRD THING SHOWS UP!!!  Aw it's gone, well maybe that's it then. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE GIANT BEES! And after the bees that really is all of them. I didn't like the bees actually. Not because they weren't kick ass looking. I just hate bees and when you make them that huge, not pleasant for me.

As fun as these fight scenes are to watch, they make up a small portion of the movie. Eventually I'm going to stumble upon one of these things that is nothing but fighting creatures from start to finish. This one is pretty good though, even with the stretches where I wasn't that interested in what was happening.

6.5/10

AND I AM NOW OFFICIALLY CAUGHT UP ON THIS FUCKING THING! AND WITH ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT IN THE MONTH!  WOOOOOOO! now if only I had some readers... :(

Last House on the Left (2009)

I've never actually seen the original. Frankly I've never really wanted to. I've heard it's disgusting and very hard to sit through and it doesn't seem like one of those movies you willingly sit down to watch. It reminds me of when we were younger and thought I Spit on Your Grave would be some stupid movie we could fun of until it fucked our minds until we wanted to cry. I did plan on watching the original before this one just so I could draw some sort of comparison, but I guess I was too busy watching old monster movies or something because I never found the time. Frankly this movie didn't leave me with a huge desire to go back and watch the older one.

I knew going into this that it would be pretty messed up. It is, absolutely. The first hour is just rape and torture. Not Saw torture though. It's a lot more gritty and realistic. I get the point of all of it, and I'm sure it's something you could really dissect and analyze but this isn't the kind of review that does that. I just wasn't that interested in watching all these terrible things happen to these girls. Was it sickening? Of course it was. It's also not appealing. I know I sound all uppidy but I watched and enjoyed fucking Inside so you can suck it.

The parents getting revenge (not a spoiler for anyone who has seen anything for this movie or is aware of its existance) doesn't come until the last 25 minutes or so and all of that stuff was pretty much already shown in the trailer, including the big payoff so you know where everything is leading. It reminded me of Quarantine in that sense. Don't give away that much shit in the trailers! It ruins the viewing experience! It's gorier here than obviously the trailers will let them show, but none of it is surprising. The sequence was the highlight of the movie though still because fuck do you ever the bad guys to die horrible deaths by this point.

The performances are pretty good, although the bad girl seems like she is only there to get naked a few times. It's weird to see Sara Paxton as the rape victim. She was Aquamarine man! You can't rape Aquamarine! Also Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn I thought were good as the parents and it's cool to see Goldwyn here. I don't even remember the last movie that I saw him in.

As a whole, the movie is ok. The setup is important so the ending is satisfying and I'm sure there's a whole message about human savagery and what not but like I said, this isn't where you come to hear that. 

6/10 - Higher than the review may it sound like it would be, but that's fine...as are peanut butter and crackers

The Running Man

80's Arnold is pretty fantastic. In fact let's change to 80's to early 90's Arnold. Sure some of the later stuff like 6th Day wasn't bad, and Eraser is pretty awesome,  but this was the golden era. Terminator, Commando, and course The Running Man. I hadn't seen this one in a while but it's just as fun as I remember.

I have read the novella this movie is loosely based on, but I don't remember a whole lot about it either. I do know that this movie takes a lot of liberties with the book. I doubt the book had Arnold's character sawing people in half and then saying they "had to split."

I think that's a huge reason for the golden era, the one-liners. Arnold is the king of these things. Everyone knows at least a few of them, even if they've never seen any of his movies before. Running Man has almost as many good ones as Commando, but I don't think anything will ever top that movie.

Having watched 1000 hours of the Game Show Network over the last year and a half, it was also cool to see Richard Dawson as the villain. Who would have thought the host of the Family Feud would prove to be a worthy opponent for Arnold.

This movie does take a lot longer to get to the actual game than I remember but who cares? It's all fun and a great classic 80's Arnold action movie.

8/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Fuck you have to love just about all of these titles. I can't even believe a movie called this actually exists. In a perfect world this movie would be nothing but Santa going into space and beating the shit out of martians and planets. Sadly that's not really what this is.

What the movie really is is Santa going into space, and telling corny jokes and using love to win over a bunch of martians. Yep. Way to fuck up that amazing title guys. You could have done something great here, but instead we get this. This movie is renowned for being a terrible terrible piece of terrible and it's very easy to see where that reputation comes from.

The humour in this movie is so bad it makes doves or angels kill themselves. Let me give you an example. The wording here may not be exact but it's close enough to at least give you an idea.

Q - What's green and can be roasted over a fire?

A - A martian-mellow

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH FUCK!  And the characters laugh like it's the funniest shit they have ever heard. That's just the beginning of it though. There are a whole bunch of jokes that are equally as bad. 

There is a really terrible looking polar bear attack though where I'm pretty damn sure you can see the actor underneath the fake bear suit. That's almost immediately followed by a robot attack that looks just as bad. These 5 minutes were quite incredible.

The movie is pretty insane, but awful. It could have been so much more. They should have gone for an R rating or something. As is, terrible. Good episode though.

Movie 3/10 (i did love that polar bear/robot sequence)

Episode - 7.5/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Samson vs the Vampire Women

Another pretty amazing title that immediately tells you that you're in for something special. The premise here is that a bunch of vampire women are...doing something. The only person who can stop them? This crazy guy who runs around in a wrestling mask and a cape. His entrance alone is comedic gold. 

Actually the last half of this movie is quite funny. Up until that point I wasn't that into it but man they pulled out some funny shit for that second half. You know what that's it. 

Movie - 2.5/10 (even without the comments that entrance is pretty funny)

Episode - 7.5/10

Earth vs the Flying Saucers

This is another Ray Harryhausen stop-motion movie, and probably one of his most famous ones at that. Even people who have never heard of the movie would recognize some element of it if they saw footage. It's even been the inspiration for a lot of modern UFO movies. Oddly though, this was my least favourite of the Harryhausen movies I've watched so far.

As a movie it's well made. It tells a story, the acting is good, the special effects are, as expected, primitive but impressive. I just couldn't get that into it though and I'm not even really sure why. I found it a little dull and the ending felt rushed. 

I spent the entire movie waiting for the Earth to actually start versus-ing some flying saucers and until the last little bit, it never really happens. The last part of the movie is where all the famous scenes I had seen/heard of before arrive. It's pretty cool, but not worth the wait.

While the saucers themselves are damn impressive, the aliens themselves are strange looking. I know they're aliens and that's expected, but they were these weird suits that make them look like Stretch Armstrongs and they walk really slow and wobbly. They're more comical than they are threatening. Eventually you do see what's under the suit, which is pretty neat, but a very familiar looking alien design. That's not the movie's fault since I'm sure at the time it was unique, but sadly we've seen it many times since.

Earth vs the Flying Saucers was not the cool movie I was hoping for. It's another one that maybe I should watch again (and most likely will once I pick-up the huge Harryhausen blu-ray set) knowing it's more talky than shooty.

6/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - The Dead Talk Back

I'm probably going to make this one my shortest review ever. 

The movie itself is actually really dull and has very little to do with the dead calling back. It's actually more of a murder mystery where a woman is killed with a crossbow (points for creativity) and they are trying to solve it.

Eventually they decide to call her ghost and have her explain what happened. The weird thing is that one character knows the whole movie how to do that and yet they never think about putting the actual plan into action until near the end. Most illogical.

Anyway the commentary is of course funny, but not the best. The movie has long stretches where nothing is happening and it eventually gets to the point where they can't even come up with any ways to make fun of it.

Movie - 2/10 (seems to be the score I give all of them)

Episode - 7/10

I Love You Man

Another new movie I wanted to talk about sooner. Yay! Forgetting Sarah Marshall was my favourite comedy of last year so I was really looking forward to seeing this one. The regular trailer was ok, but the red-band trailer was hilarious so I had some high hopes for this one. Thankfully they were definitely met as this movie was reallllllly fucking funny.

Of course a lot of credit, if not all of it, has to go to the fantastic cast this movie has put together. Paul Rudd and Jason Segal are of course hilarious in the lead roles and play perfect off of each other. I'm not really sure how much was scripted and how much was improvised but it's all solid, funny stuff.

The supporting cast does a great job too, although I felt that a lot of them were very underused. Jane Curtain and J.K. Simmons were great as the parents but it's really too bad that they only have a couple of scenes. Andy Samberg also was good, but again, not around a whole lot. Jon Favreau is of course always funny and this is no exception. It's also cool to see Jaime Pressly since I don't even remember the last time I saw her in a movie.

A huge standout for me amongst the supporting cast was Rashida Jones as Rudd's fiancee. This was the character that would have been the easiest to screw up. They didn't though. They managed to make her a very likable character whose motivations make total sense and is a character you root for. You want Rudd to end up with her because you want her to be happy. That's pretty rare.

There's not much else to say other than this was a very funny movie that will hold up to repeat viewings. Check it out.

8/10

Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster

Don't let that title fool you, this is another Godzilla movie. It's actually the last one I've watched in quite a while now. This is also known as being one of the better ones and you know, I had almost as much fun watching this one as I did King Kong vs Godzilla.

I'm not sure if this was intended to be the last movie or something but it really felt like they pulled out all of the stops with this one. The end of the movie actually has 4 monsters duking it out. 4 guys in rubber suits beating the shit out of each other. It's just as amazing as I'm sure you're picturing right now, probably even more amazing. 

What's even better is that the monsters take on some human-like characteristics in this one. They laugh and actually talk with each other. It's weird but pretty cool. It's also funny to hear Godzilla badmouth humans, saying they are "always bullying him." Stupid, but pretty funny too. Then all of the monsters team up and fight this three-headed guy and it's just kick ass.

Everything leading up to that. I don't really remember. I think it was ok, but it's really all about the huge melee at the end. 

7.5/10  (fun stuff)

These reviews seem to be getting a lot shorter now. You know what....good.

Frankenstein Conquers the World

With a title like that, how the hell could I not watch this movie? That's what I thought. I could only imagine what this movie was actually about with such a title. It turns out that it's not really about much. In fact Frankenstein does very little actual conquering in this movie. If his actions in this movie count as conquering the world,  then I have conquered it at least 6 times this morning, and will conquer it a few more times before I go to sleep I'm sure.

This essentially boils down to another giant monster movie, only the monster this time is a huge Frankenstein monster, who everyone refers to as "Frankenstein" which isn't right damn it! Anyway most of the movie centers on the people who discover this creature and trying to figure out just where he came from. It's not that exciting really. It feels pretty familiar, but that could also be because all I do now is watch old monster movies. 

Around the halfway point of the movie, or maybe even further along, it takes a while that's all I really remember, we finally see another monster. So we know eventually this Frankenstein thing is going to fight it, and right before the movie ends, he finally does. The fight doesn't last very long, and then the movie is over.

Most of the movie is spent listening to and following the scientists, and really who cares about them. With a title like that this movie could have been all kinds of insane fun, but it really wasn't. Missed potential.

4.5/10

Knowing

Well look at that, I still do watch new movies. It's not all just MST3K and old Godzilla/monster movies. I occasionally will still watch a movie that was released after 1970. I actually saw this movie opening weekend and wanted to talk about it right away. Damn bizarre compulsion to type the reviews in the order I saw the movies. Anyway I'm not nearly as motivated to talk about it now as I was back then, but we'll see what happens.

Nicholas Cage is a bizarre entity. I'm not really sure when he picked up this cult like status, I'm guessing around the time of the Wicker Man. He really isn't a bad actor, he just makes a lot of bad choices. Also I think I'm the only person on Earth who can claim that he did a powerpoint presentation on the guy. I'm always sort of rooting for Cage and want him to make good movies. Is this a turnaround? Eh, kinda.

Knowing has a very cool premise that you just know won't be executed as well as you want it to be. Sure enough that's pretty much exactly what happens. The movie actually does have a lot of cool set-up and the first half is really good, maybe even the first 3/4's. It's in the last half hour or so that things kind of go to hell.

Cage is surprisingly subdued in this one. None of his over-acting shows up here. Sadly this almost becomes a little boring. You want him to start screaming and kicking women in the stomach but sadly it never happens. The rest of the cast is merely ok, and I couldn't tell you a single one of their names so they must not have made a huge impression on me. 

This movie does have 2 stand-out sequences, which you probably already guessed are the disaster scenes. The first one is by far the better of the two, and it actually takes away some of the impact when you get to the 2nd disaster sequence because there is just no way it can compete with what you've already seen. I don't want to give away too much but the plane disaster is done entirely in one taken and it's really quite amazing to watch. Between this movie and Snake Eyes, Cage is quickly becoming the king of impressive one-shot sequences.

As disappointed as I am with how the story wraps up, when you think about it, there are very few other explanations there could have been. That doesn't stop it from still being silly though. Knowing is a good watch that sadly falls apart in the end, ruining a bit of what you have already seen. Also, if you talk about it for more than 20 seconds, you realize that just about the entire movie doesn't make any damn sense. But whatever, it's almost worth it for the plane sequence alone.

7/10

Under the Hood

I guess I probably should have put this and Black Freighter together in the same review but it's WAY too late for that now isn't it?!

Under the Hood is the other feature on the DVD and is essentially a look back at the original Minutemen. It takes a lot more material from the book and presents it as a TV program where the host shows interviews conducted with several members of the original group. While a lot of this is material taken straight out of the book, as with Black Freighter there is also a lot of new material here as well. This helps to keep things interesting and overall I actually found this to be the more interesting out of the two short films.

It's very cool to see some of the cast members from the movie reprising their roles here. I especially liked seeing more of Carla Gugino since I felt she could have used more screen time in the actual film. Of all the main characters she has the most to do here, with the others only offering a brief appearances, if even that. It's still neat to see them expanding on their roles however, and since I would imagine a lot of their dialogue during the interview segments is improvised, they deserve even more credit.

I'm not sure if people who aren't familiar with the Watchmen world would get as much out of this feature as it is generally a giant easter egg for the fans. I highly enjoyed it, but don't think it's something I would return to for repeat viewings. It's definitely worth checking out if you're a fan and want to see some more Watchmen. They did a really good job with this and again I have to applaud the effort that went into this when they easily could have just half assed it.

7/10

Tales of the Black Freighter

I was a huge fan of the Watchmen graphic novel and movie. I had already heard this was going to be released as its separate DVD, and frankly I wasn't that upset about it. As cool as it would have been to see this in the final version of the film, it was obviously the easiest thing to get rid of. Of course I was still curious to see how this came out. After watching it, I feel it's more of a cool bonus than anything. Maybe if they put it back into the movie it would bring it more into context and generally improve things, but as a standalone, it's merely ok.

I'll certainly give them credit for effort. The animation is very well done, and also has kind of a unique style going. I'm not good enough with words to describe it anymore beyond that, but the animation is well done. They easily could have half assed this but they didn't. Round of applause there.

There really isn't a whole lot of voice acting going on here, but Gerard Butler provides the voice of the lead character and he does a great job. His is really the only prominent voice so thank god it's done well.

The story is exactly the same as in the comic, but padded out to have at least some length. I actually watched this a second time with the graphic novel in hand, just to see how accurate it was and how faithful it remained. A lot of it is taken word for word, but there are quite a few changes here and there. All of the new material fits in perfectly however so again, a job well done there.

It is a bit ridiculous that this cartoon got its own DVD (granted there are other things on it but still) when the length is only around 20 minutes plus the credits. We're also apparently getting that 4 hour cut of the movie soon, so I'm sure they will be incorporating this cartoon back into the film. I think it will be a lot better when put into context with the rest of the story. As a standalone, it's a cool idea, but a pretty mediocre watch.

6/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Horror of Party Beach

Yep, another MST3K review. If it makes you feel any better I'm really sick of having to write them. There's at least 3 more by the time I get caught up with this blog too. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Anyway, the movie is of course, really bad. The first half hour is just people on a beach dancing. It's like that Batwoman movie, but at least that was amusing because it didn't make any god damn sense. Here it makes a little more sense, it's just stupid. I wonder if beaches were really like this in the 50's? The movies sure want to make us think so. If they were, it's officially my first stop once my time machine is ready.

Monsters then show up, I forget why. I do remember that they look friggin' hilarious though. They also move in a way that would make it impossible not to get away from them, and yet everybody always gets caught and killed.

Aside from the monsters themselves, the movie itself doesn't lend itself to being made fun of as easily as you would expect it to. Thankfully it's on a program that specializes in that and again, much of the funniest stuff comes from how random their comments are. The funniest stuff happens in the beginning and the end, with a wee bit of a lull in the middle.

HOW ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW YET?!

Movie - 2/10

Episode - 7.5/10

20 Million Miles to Earth

I'm not even sure if that's the right title but if you think for a second I have the motivation to open another tab and check for sure, well then you are no friend of mine.

This was my second Ray Harryhausen movie, after that bizarre moon one where aliens show up in the last half and really turn things around. This one is different in that I had actually heard of and knew roughly what it was going to be about. I also enjoyed this one a great deal more, but it could be because of this huge stop motion, monsters fighting phase I seem to be in at the moment. Or perhaps it just kicked ass.

The story is basically about the discovery of a monster who starts out really small and grows exponentially bigger over night. Of course he is viewed as a threat so they start attacking him but he just fucks everybody up....including an elephant, but we'll get to that a little later on.

The creature itself is pretty awesome, both in design and execution. I've already made clear that I'm a huge sucker for well-done stop-motion animation and this is some of the best, at least of that era. It's just fun to watch the thing move around and interact with people. Sure the effects are primitive looking now, but that's all part of the charm.

The highlight is definitely when the creature dukes it out with a stop-motion elephant. This has to be one of the best things I've ever seen in any movie. How often do you get to see anything fight an elephant, let alone a space monster?! I won't tell you who wins here because you should be forced to go and actually watch the movie. Needless to say they each put up one helluva good fight. I hope Rocky fights an elephant one day.

If you love stop-motion animated 50's science-fiction movie and dashes, (and who doesn't), then you will eat this shit up. I had a lot of fun watching it, even if the beginning did move a little slow, something I maybe should have mentioned in the bulk of the review but fuck off.

7.5/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Eegah!

Wow best movie of all time? No, but in the top 5 for sure.

Sadly the movie itself doesn't live up to the title. It's stupid yes, but it's actually more boring than anything else. It does have the guy who plays Jaws in the Bond movies playing Eegah, which I guess is sort of maybe a little tiny bit cool? Eegah for the record is a caveman who is found alive. That seems to be really all the backstory there is to him.

The main story involves Eegah kidnapping this woman away from her really goofy, terrible actor boyfriend. The boyfriend spends most of the movie wandering aimlessly around the desert calling out his girlfriend's name. He spends like 2 days doing this, without ever leaving the same area. He has to be admired for his commitment, not so much for his intelligence. It's also impossible to root for the guy since at one point he actually says the phrase "Wow-zee-wow-wow." Trust me it's even more painful to hear than it is to read.

The girlfriend spends the entire movie in a cave with Eegah, who holds her hostage. He is also holding her dad hostage in the same cave for reasons unknown. There is one very bizarre scene where the girlfriend shaves her dad, then Eegah. Very odd stuff. 

Anyway Eegah holds the girl hostage, feeds her gross food, tries to kill her father and then attempts to rape her. Yet somehow in the midst of all that, she develops some feelings towards him. I know I don't understand it either. I don't buy into most romantic comedy couples and at least they tend to show some actual affection. You don't see any of that here and yet she falls for him. 

The MST3K aspect of it is of course funny. It always is. They don't point out my above paragraph though, which is strange. Maybe I missed something?  The movie itself is worth a few laughs at it's expense, and I'm not even going to bother telling you to watch MST3K anymore because you should have learned by now!

Movie - 2/10

Episode - 8/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - I Accuse My Parents

As far as old movies go, this one is actually pretty compentently made, which makes its presence in the IMDB bottom 100 a little strange. It's still a pretty bad movie, but compared to the caliber of stuff they watch on this show, it's a cut above the rest. Why do I get the feeling I've already typed almost that exact same sentence in another review. Hmmmm.

As is getting to be the case with these MST3K episodes, I don't really have a lot to say about this. I'm actually starting to cut back on watching them just because I don't want to have to write a whole slew of reviews for them.

This is, and remains, my favourite episode of the show so far. It's not even so much that the movie is ripe to make fun of. As I said it's actually a pretty odd choice. It's the complete randomness of the comments which are being made about it that make it fantastic.

That's it. Shortest review ever. Funny stuff.

8/10

Dead in 3 Days

The "Dimension Extreme" label often doesn't live up to its own name. A few movies that have been released under the company qualify. I would say Teeth for sure. A vagina that eats penises is definitely pretty fucking extreme. Inside is under the label as well, and we all remember my thoughts on that horrifying thing. Dead in 3 Days however....there is very little 'extreme' about this title except maybe what an "extreme" rip-off it is of I know What You Did Last Summer.

IKWYDLS (fuck even the acronym takes forever to type out) isn't the first movie that leaps to mind when you think of classic horror movies to borrow from. Yet here we are. Dead in 3 Days follows the same basic idea, even down to the outfit the killer wears. It bares an uncanny resemblance to the one from Summer. 

The one key difference is the actual car accident scene. Of course in Summer they hit a guy, which lead to all sorts of shenanigans. In this movie....they hit a deer. It's played just the same as Summer, only a deer instead of an actual human being. They couldn't really be basing the whole plot on this event could they?  Well, no they actually aren't. See after this scene is over, none of the characters ever mention it again. It's the strangest thing. A 5 minute scene near the start of the movie which you think will play a key role, is forgotten almost immediately. Maybe the cameras happened to catch an actual on-set deer slaughter, who knows? Either way it makes no sense.

Another thing that makes very little of the sense is the treatment of a certain character. He is the usual obligatory scapegoat character. The one we are led to believe is actually the killer but we know within seconds that he really isn't. One of the characters goes out of her way to accuse him, constantly reminding us "god he's so creepy", "he's such a creep", "he gives me the creeps", fucking etc. We never find out why the hell she is so hostile towards him. We wait for the explanation, but we never ever get it. Then the character makes this huge heroic gesture for that character, and she again, never talks about it to anyone. So who the fuck was this guy? Why does everyone stop talking about significant events 2 seconds after they happen?

The movie itself is watchable, but painfully average. The deaths are blah, the concept is very familiar, and none of the characters are particularly likable. The reveal of the killer is also very left fieldish and a little dumb. Overall, not very extreme.

5.5/10   - just above average

Godzilla vs. Mothra

I had a ton of fun watching King Kong vs Godzilla. The movie itself was pretty poorly made, it was just a lot of fun to watch it. This one wasn't as fun. This installment felt more like an actual movie. It's still just as ridiculous as any of the other Godzilla movies I've watched, but not in the same way. 

It's weird saying that a movie where a giant butterfly who is summoned by two tiny girls on a bizarre magic island has to do battle with a giant dinosaur thing who is attacking Japan isn't as ridiculous as I wanted it to be. But it really wasn't. The whole thing was played very serious and very straight, which you would think would make it that much more crazy and silly. I don't know, I can't even really explain it well. Bottom line is, I really wish this movie had just been well, stupider I guess.

It's still a pretty entertaining watch. I guess this one is highly regarded as one of the best in the Godzilla series. I'm guessing it's because of my complaints from the last paragraph, that it isn't that stupid. It tells a story, contains pretty good performances, and overall feels like a movie. It reminds me of Gojira in that sense. 

The fight between Mothra and Godzilla is short and strange, but pretty badass. Two slugs do a lot of the fighting near the end though, which is kind of boring since all they can really do is shoot this webbing stuff from their mouths. They kind of look like Graboids though, and I always welcome Graboids in just about every movie I watch.

There is also this strange musical number that occurs whenever the two tiny women have to awaken Mothra to get him (her?) to come and fight. It goes on for waaaaay longer than it needs to and if memory serves me correctly, happens twice in the movie.

This is a pretty decent watch that is a much better made movie than the last few Godzilla's have been. I should maybe watch it again knowing that it's not one of the stupider ones. 

7/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - The Wild World of Batwoman

I've never heard of this movie before, nor have I heard of the character of Batwoman. I know of BatGirl, but no woman. I wasn't even entirely sure if this movie was connected to the Batman universe. It turns out....maybe?

From what I gather this movie doesn't make a lick of god damn sense. Although Batwoman appears to be wearing something resembling the bat symbol, she looks nothing like you would think a Batman world character should look like. She looks like Liza Minneli. It's fucking insane to look at. She also has all these other females that she sort of is the boss of. All of them apparently fight crime too, but all they really seem to do is dance.

Yes that's right, this movie contains more dancing than any other movie I've ever seen. It's not even a musical. The dancing fits nowhere into the context of anything. It just sort of happens. The characters will dance for minutes on end with no advancement to the story. One of the girls is even taken prisoner and can be seen dancing in the background of one of the scenes for like 5 minutes. There's not even any music playing. None of the other characters acknowledge that it's happening either. She just dances in her cell for a while. Wow.

The movie is kind of funny in that it's so bad way, but mostly it's just really boring. Even the Mystery Science people seem to be having trouble making fun of it at times. There is one fantastic scene where they are having a seance to talk to some spirit, I don't know whose. At random the spirit goes from talking really fucking slow english, to really stereotypical, racist chinese. It's obviously not the real language, just sounds. It's not played for laughs at all but FUCK is it ever funny. The MST guys don't even really make fun of it, it just makes fun of itself.

As a movie this thing is terrible and deserves it's place among the bottom 100 on IMDB. As a MST3K episode however, it's comedic gold.

8/10

Band of Brothers

I'm so far behind on this damn blog that the thought of even catching up seems ridiculously far-fetched. We'll see what happens though because I'm planning to see some new movies this weekend, and have seen some other ones, and I would really like to talk about them.

We've been slowing making our way through Band of Brothers by renting the blu-ray discs from our online rental service. It's one of those series that I really can't believe I have never watched before. I always meant to, I think just the length kept me away. It actually sort of worked out because watching it for the first time on blu-ray was a hell of an experience and probably make the experience that much more impressive.

There really isn't much to say about Band of Brothers that hasn't been said over and over again for the last however many years. The thing is pretty much the absolute definition of epic. I wasn't expecting it to be like this since it was an HBO series, not a theatrical movie but my god. The production value here is just phenomenol. Each episode usually features at least one massive war battle and each one is impressive. Often each one is more impressive than the last. The use of sound and visuals is pretty mind-boggling, especially when watching on blu-ray discs. Overall the series has wall to wall action that never fails to blown one's face clean off. 

The performances and characters are also top-notch. You have to give Band of Brothers credit because it has a ton of characters that play pretty major roles, and yet each one of them feels fully developed, with maybe the odd exception. Granted they had 10 hours of screentime to accomplish this, it's still an impressive feat when you look at the sheer number of characters. Plus it's cool to see David Schwimmer not playing Ross, although you can't help but just picture him as the character. It just reminded me of when Ross would throw a huge hissy fit really. Jimmy Fallon also pops up for about 2 minutes at one point to distribute ammo to the soldiers. By the time you realize it's him, he's pretty much already gone.

Each episode is great and there aren't any that I would call out as a weak entry in the series. I can't even really choose any highlights. I did enjoy the first episode that dealt mostly with the training. Anything in the snow was also great, if only for the visuals. The second last episode is definitely the most emotional, for reasons that I won't give away here just in case. I didn't know it was coming and it really helped the episode pack a huge emotional punch. Overall, not a weak link in the whole chain.

Band of Brothers is definitely the best war movie I've seen, although maybe calling it a movie isn't exactly fair. Either way it's fantastic and despite it's length, is definitely something I will be watching again.

9/10

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 - Jack Frost

This is it. This is officially the episode that got me hooked on this show. It was a little strange because before this I only casually watched it and even this episode took me over a week to get through because I just wasn't that interested. Then something happened. Something wonderful happened and I realized how fantastic this show really is. This doesn't mean terrific news for this blog since now I'm going to be typing up thousands of reviews of just this show, but I'll at least try and focus the review more on the actual movie they're watching instead.

This is just a strange one. It's I believe a movie from Russia that pretty much just makes no sense. There is a twirling dwarf who gives this feminine looking dude some magical powers that help him meet this princess and fight the hansel and gretal witch who commands an army of trees. Meanwhile Jack Frost shows up within the last part of the movie and has this scepter that freezes people and...well the entire thing doesn't seem to make any sense.

In terms of some of the other movies I've watched this show make fun of, this one stands out because it's at least a little better made, and it's not a horror movie. In fact I don't even know what the hell genre this is from. Most of the humour comes from just how random and bizarre the movie is. Things start out a little slow but really pick up as the thing goes on.

The reviews for episodes of this show are going to get shorter and shorter until they are eventually nothing but "it was funny." I don't have a whole lot to say about the movies being watched since they are usually terrible, hence why the show is using them. The comments from the characters don't really lend themselves to writing a full review, although they are definitely funny here.  I don't know, watch the show.

7.5/10

OPINION POLL: FAVOURITE MICHAEL KEATON MOVIE?

King Kong vs Godzilla

About damn time I got around to watching another Godzilla movie. I've said that I've been waiting for the series to get to that point of just pure ridiculousness. It isn't quite there yet, but this movie was a giant leap forward in that department. 

As a movie, this is overall pretty bad. The effects are of the usual standard, although definitely a step down from the first Godzilla. You have the giant rubber suits, the miniature sets being destroyed, everything you expect there to be by this point. A surprisingly large amount of time is spent with the humans instead of with the monsters, which is definitely a point against the movie. You can't put these two monsters in the title of the damn thing and then proceed to show us humans for 80% of the movie. It's just not right.

Now having said that the movie isn't actually that good, I can now say that this is some of the most fun I've had watching a movie maybe ever. It could be that I was just in the right mood for this one at the time, but I had an absolute blast watching it.

The stuff with the humans was still a little bland but anything with the two main monsters fighting was absolute gold. The Kong suit looks ridiculous which makes it fantastic. He is so clearly just a guy in a big monkey suit. They really didn't even try. Godzilla looks only slightly better, so you just imagine how great it must be when they finally start duking it out. 

As usual the cheap effects bring a lot of charm to the movie. Not just with the bad looking rubber suits though. There are a couple of other huge highlights. It's always entertaining watching an army consisting of obvious toy tanks coming to get Godzilla. I don't think I'll ever get tired of that. However there were two shots for me that really stand out as the highlights of the movie.

1) There's a scene where King Kong and Godzilla are fighting and we get this perspective of their top halves behind a mountain. At this point it just looks like two puppets goin' at each other. It reminded me of when I was younger and when pretend my action figures were fighting by simply banging them into each other. It's not even a quick shot. It stays for a few seconds and then even cuts back to it afterwards. Incredible.

2) A guy is being lowered down on a rope from a helicopter. When you see the shot of the guy being lowered, it is clearly a toy figure because he isn't moving in the slightest bit. He also has this really awkward pose that's just wonderous. I had to rewind this part a few times to really absorb it.

Scoring King Kong vs Godzilla is a tricky task. The movie itself isn't terrific, but damn was it entertaining. Who knows maybe if I watched it again it would be terrible. In the meantime though, I gotta give this beast a good score if only for the entertainment value it brought to me during its running time.

7.5/10

Far Cry

Oh Uwe Boll. I had almost forgotten about you before this one came along. Far Cry is another video game that could make for a decent movie. It's just too bad it was put into the hands of this man. 

By this point it's starting to look like maybe people have figured it out. Boll usually gets a pretty big theatrical release with his movies, and they usually feature a surprisingly large amount of well-known, or at least recognizable actors. Not so much with Far Cry. As far as I can tell this will be receiving any sort of theatrical release here in North America (apparently it played at one theatre), and there hasn't even been an announcement for the DVD/Blu-ray yet. It has been released in Germany though, so we're still lucky enough to be able to get a copy of it. The movie also features no big names, with only a couple of recognizable faces present here. Hollywood seems to be learning.

The movie begins and for about 5 minutes, you start to wonder if you accidently put in a copy of some new direct-to-DVD Predator sequel. It wasn't until the actual title came up that I was sure I was watching the right movie. This sequence sets up what will be the running disappointment of the entire movie...it's just too generic.

The entire movie suffers from a sort of "been there, done that" vibe. There is nothing here that you haven't seen done before, and done better at that. It makes the entire thing rather dull and pointless. The action scenes are reasonably well shot, they just aren't very exciting. The same thing goes for the plot itself. It's all very reminiscent of a Steven Seagal or a Van Damme movie you might see these days. Nothing about it draws you in and you're never invested in anything that's going on.

Another big problem I have is with the casting and the characters. The supporting roles whatever, they're fine I guess. Acting is pretty bad but at least they get the job done. My biggest problem with the lead character of Jack Carver. The thick german accent right away does not fit the character. I could maybe deal with that though if just the entire character didn't feel wrong. Can I say who Jack Carver should have been played by? Not exactly, but I still know this was not the right choice. Plus the guy was pretty whiny and insecure. He spends most of the movie pestering the lead female about whether or not he was good in bed. So badass. I'm sure it's supposed to be funny but well, it really isn't.

Speaking of which, not for anything even close to a second did I buy into the relationship between the two leads. They fall for each other within 10-15 minutes and he basically tricks her into having sex with him. It's a completely useless subplot that mostly just bothered the crap out of me.

However it didn't bother me nearly as much as the supposed "comic relief" the movie offers us at around the halfway point. How anyone could have thought this guy was funny is beyond me? He gets so much to say too! It's terrible. It's not the worst comic relief I've ever seen (not sure what that would be, College is right up there, and Jar Jar Binks of course) but my god is it ever brutal. The fact that this guy gets to survive the movie is a sin.

This may actually be the best movie Boll has done to date. It's a very, very slight improvement over the others, but it's something. The movie is still very bad though. I can only give it this score because it's not as bad as it maybe could have been.

3.5/10

OPINION POLL: IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR FAVOURITE UWE BOLL MOVIE?

Degrassi Junior High - The Complete Series

Wow, this is easily the worst I have ever fallen behind on this thing. It's not because I haven't been watching movies. I have a list of about 15 that I've watched that I need to talk about still. I just haven't found the time to do it. So hopefully I can now get things back on track, and I can't think of a better review to get it all going than this one.

Everyone has that one guilty pleasure TV show. The one that they know they shouldn't enjoy, would never admit to enjoying it to anyone else on the planet, and yet they just can't help themselves. Everyone has that show. Mine is Supernanny. I would yell from the fucking mountains how amazing Degrassi Junior High is.

Back in high school it was almost a ritual to watch this show because CBC ran a full hour of it every day after school. I think I saw just about every episode back then because most of them seemed familiar when watching through them this second time. I was worried that the show would not hold up and that it was nothing more than nostalgic memories that made me look back on it so fondly. No need to worry because DJH (that's what the hardcores call that shit) is still awesome.

Why is it awesome? Because DJH never backed down from talking about "da issuez". Again this is what the hardcores call it. While most shows of this nature usually had episodes with topics such as "I like that boy" or "What will I wear?!" or "I can't afford those shoes!, Degrassi was more suited to "Should I get an abortion?" or "Stop hitting me dad!" or "Shit my parents are dead." That's right. Degrassi had balls and it loved waving them in your face while punching you.

None of this would matter if the characters that were going through "da issuez" weren't likeable. Thankfully the writers did a great job really fleshing out each one of the characters and making them completely three dimensional. When you actually look at how many characters there are on the show, that's pretty damn impressive. I don't remember Joey Jeremiah pissing me off as much as he does now though. Some characters are definitely better than others but each one is unique and well-written, which is more than you can say for about 95% of shows on TV, especially right now. 

You know I really don't think there is much more to say than that. This show covered a lot of topics that were considered taboo at the time. They might seem a little tame now but back then this shit was intense, and it still is. The humour can be pretty corny but the plots are interesting and the characters are so well-developed that you pretty much have to see what happens to them. I do think that fond memories helped with those show still, but I do think it holds up really well. 

8/10

OPINION POLL: WHAT IS YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE TV SHOW?

Watchmen

God damn procrastination. I saw this movie opening day at the second show there was, and was very excited to come home and type out my thoughts here. Maybe I was burnt out by typing out my thoughts to a bunch of individual people right after I saw the movie, not to mention the almost hour long talk right after it was over. Now that a few days have passed I am ready to once again, and not for the last time, talk about my thoughts on this movie.

I have read the graphic novel, but I was a late comer to it. I was mostly persuaded to read it by a co-worker who was hyped as shit when he saw the trailer for the movie. I thought it looked cool but it didn't mean a whole lot to me. Based on his recommendation I picked the graphic novel up and well, yea it was awesome. I immediately became excited about this movie and was counting down the days. I wasn't one of the hardcore fans either, who were pissed at any even slight change to the material from the novel. I think that also could have helped in my enjoyment of the film because damn that was a solid movie.

It's kind of interesting that many of the people who were bitching beforehand about deviating from the novel, quickly turned against the movie after seeing it and said that it was way too faithful. Solid proof that it is indeed impossible to please most people. This basically means that people wanted a Watchmen movie that was a perfect recreation of the book in every way, but at the same time was wildly different and changed many aspects of it. It reminds me of a Simpsons joke.

I for one thought they struck a really good balance between being faithful, but adding some new elements. Yes the ending is different, but I'm all for that. It kept it interesting because you weren't as sure about what was going to happen. They had to change at least a little or it would become less about experiencing the movie, and more just watching the novel play out in front of you. Da Vinci Code symdrome if you will. Thankfully the material you're familiar with is still fascinating to watch come alive in front of you.

The casting was a little hit or miss, but definitely more hit. Jackie Earle Haley is absolute fucking perfection as Rorshach. He steals every scene and whenever he's not on screen, you're pissed because you know he's off somewhere being awesome and yet you don't get to see it. I also really liked Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhatten. He sounded pretty much exactly as I pictured he would when I read the novel. Jeffrey Dean Morgan was also great as The Comedian, and it was nice to see him playing someone besides "the guy who dies" on every TV show ever.

There were really only 2 weak links in the cast in my opinion. I wasn't a big fan of Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre II. She was ok, but compared to everyone else, she was a little bland and I was the least interested in her scenes. She does get naked though, so points there. I also didn't care for Matthew Goode as Ozymandius. I simply don't think he was the right fit for the character, but I've read opinions which disagree so it's all a matter of opinion.

There was just a lot to like about this movie. The opening credits were incredible and definitely some of the best I've ever seen. The movie looks great, the characters are spot on in terms of appearence, the violence is plentiful but never silly, and despite its length you're never bored. There are a couple of slower patches here and there, but there was never any point where I really thought "ok wrap it up."

Is it important to have read the novel before seeing the movie? Maybe. Again it's really all a matter of opinion. My girlfriend wasn't the biggest fan. She still liked it, but I think she would have gotten more out of it having read the novel. I can see being a little confused about some aspects of it if you weren't already familiar with the characters and the world. I can't say for certain if it's important to read the book though. I kind of wish I could go in having not read it, just to see what it's like to have no expectations at all.

Overall though I loved the movie. It was faithful, but just different enough to remain interesting as well. A couple of casting issues aside, I was pleased and if time and money permitted, would go and see it again. However there is apparently a 4 hour cut of the movie on the way, so me thinks I will just wait for that one.

9/10

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The Brain That Wouldn't Die

ATTENTION! - Starting with this review I've decided to start incorporating some reader interaction with these reviews. Part of it is to bring the reader into things and add some fun for them, and part of it is because I want to prove to myself that there are actually people reading these things. At the end of every review I'm going to post an opinion based question that everyone can answer/discuss in the comments section of that particular post. Enjoy!

You know those shows that even though you don't always find them funny, they are just so damn likable that you can't help but enjoy watching them? I think Mystery Science Theater is going to become one of those shows for me. This episode was definitely a dip in quality after the last one I watched, but it's still funny and damn it, no matter what I just have fun watching it.

I had trouble finding a lot to say about the first episode of this show I reviewed, let alone finding enough to say about another episode. The show follows the same formula only now the lead character has been replaced. Apparently there is a lot of differing opinions between fans and lots of people don't like when they switched over to this character. Since I've now seen one episode with each person, I really have no preference. The other episode was better, so maybe I can base it off of that?

The movie itself is as expected pretty terrible. However it doesn't reach the same depths of shit that Manos did, and that ends up hurting the episode itself. It really does lend some credit to my idea that this show will live or die on how awful the movie they are watching is. This one has large stretches where there just doesn't seem to be enough to make fun of and some of the comments come off as a little desperate. There are definitely some great laughs here though and probably even a few jokes I missed. That means that even some of the weaker episodes of the show may have replay value to them.

I still look forward to watching more episodes of this show, but my reviews of them are going to get shorter and shorter. I maybe shouldn't even count them as something that needs to be reviewed, but since I'm technically watching a full movie I just feel like I should be saying something. Either way, pretty funny stuff, but weaker than the first episode of the show I watched.

6/10

OPINION POLL: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TERRIBLE MOVIE TO MAKE FUN OF WITH YOUR FRIENDS?!

The Next Karate Kid

This officially brings to a close the Karate Kid collection. I have now officially seen all of them. Out of all of them, the existence of this one confuses me the most. I'm not really sure why they bothered to make this one. It's not that it's too bad of a movie, it's decent entertainment. It just really doesn't feel like this was a story that really needed to be told. 

Daniel is gone, without even an explanation about where he went. Instead this time around Miyagi is training a female. You would think this would be a good thing since by the third movie I wanted nothing more than to smash Daniel's head into fridges. However the character they chose to replace him is almost worse! She does somewhat redeem herself in the final half of the movie but the first part you really don't want good things for her. Plus I kind of missed what the hell she was doing with Miyagi in the first place, so that just made everything even more confusing and even more infuriating.

The villains in this movie, as usual, make you want to reach into the TV screen and choke them. These movies are so fucking good at this! This time around they are confusing though. They all seem to be some sort of security force that protects their high school and are led by this evil drill sergeant type character. Did that sentence sound strange? Well that seems to be what's going on. Again I was fading in and out during the first part of this movie so chances are I just missed something about just how the hell these people were, but that's the conclusion that I came to. You still do hate them though and no matter what happens to them in the end, it just never seems like it's enough. You want tigers to eat their faces off or something, but sadly the writers didn't think of that.

I guess next down the road will be the remake of the first Karate Kid, which I maintain is a terrible, TERRIBLE, idea. The casting is horrendous so far, and the rumours of the other casting is almost worse. I just know Will Smith's son will play the role like he did in the Day the Earth Stood Still remake, so he will actually make Daniel even more annoying! It's odd that this will be one of the first remakes I'm completely opposed to, but I think it's pointless and have really no interest in it.

This movie was ok and doesn't really deserve a lot of the hate that it seems to always get. It's pretty stupid and the script has some pretty awful dialogue through pretty much the entire thing, but there's just something about the Karate Kid formula that's fun to watch. Not a complete waste of time, but easily the worst of the series.

5.5/10

Karate Kid Part 3

It took a little while but I finally got back to my Karate Kid movies. I wasn't that impressed with part 2, and I had heard that Part 3 was an even further dip in quality, so there wasn't really a huge rush to continue on with the series. It turns out though that Part 3, while not terrific, is a pretty decent watch and I think I may have liked it even just a tiny bit more than Part 2. This might just be because Part 3 is a lot more fucking ridiculous, but hey whatever works.

There is one thing I feel should be addressed right out of the gate. Daniel Larusso, the main character in all of the Karate Kid movies, is really fucking annoying. REALLY fucking annoying.  I always sort of though so, but it really shined through in this movie. You just want to shake him or slap him or really just anything that will get him to shut the fuck up for 2 god damn seconds! He never stops talking and whenever he is talking, 10% of what he is saying is important. He kind of reminds me of Rocky, only if you wanted to stab Rocky every single time he opened up his mouth. 

Annoying lead character aside, my favourite part of this installment was the villains. The Karate Kid movies have always been really good at creating bad guys that you just can't stand. This movie takes things a step further and gives you 3 main villains, each one you hope gets stomped on by a elephant, after the elephant rapes them for several straight hours. At the same time they are so cartoony and over the top that it's almost funny. It's a little too bad these villains don't play a central role in the plot until around the halfway point of the movie, if not even a little bit further along than that even. What's the rest of the movie focused on? Well, plants mostly.

Yes the central plot of the movie centers around our two main characters buying up a run down store front in order to start a business where they deal with banzai trees. This is a surprisingly large part of the movie. It kind of makes one wonder why they bothered to make another movie. There is this one sequence where for about 15 minutes they just scale down a cliff to get this rare plant. Huh. At least Teen Witch is in this movie, which is pretty awesome.

It's too bad more of the movie didn't focus on the villain side of things. They seem to often take a backseat to the plants. It's a pretty ridiculous movie, but it's pretty entertaining at the same time. 

6/10

Master with Cracked Fingers

So it look a little while but this was my second old kung fu Jackie Chan movie. However guess fucking what?! It's pretty much the exact same movie as the last one, the long title I'm refusing to type out that is actually shorter than my sentence of refusing to type it out. The only difference here is that instead of those bizarre subtitles that often didn't match what was really going on, we did a English dubbed voiceover. It does make the movie a lot more watchable I will say that.

With the subtitles, the movie actually became a lot more confusing. I remember not at all being able to talk about the story because I had no fucking clue what was going on. Here the story is much more clear, however there still isn't a whole lot to it. The strangest thing about this movie though, is while it's about 80% the same footage as the first Jackie Chan movie I watched, it has a lot of new scenes in there as well. In fact the first 10 minutes of the movie is completely different. So for a while there, I had no idea that I was watching the same movie. There is even a completely different ending sequence. After the scene where the other movie ended, it continues on for like another 10 minutes. I'm not sure where all these scenes came from, and I'm sure I could find out with maybe 2 minutes of research, but meh.

The voiceovers are definitely better than the subtitles in terms of understanding what the fuck is going on, however they are also better because they are just funnier. I forgot just how much fun a dubbed over movie can be. The voices clearly don't match the people who are speaking, and the lines are usually so overacted that it's just hilarious. This makes for a much better viewing overall.

I touched a little on the new ending earlier but I feel it's worth talking about in just a little more detail. I may have missed something, but it's my understanding that this movie features one of the greatest endings of all time. After Jackie fights two of the head villains and defeats them, this guy comes out, hands him this gigantic blue flag that had not been featured in the movie at all up until that point, gives it to Jackie and says "You've earned this Jackie!" Has he? I had no idea the stakes of this movie were winning an oversized blue flag. Jackie then swings this flag around while this very familiar triumphant music plays. Credits! Wow.

It's my belief that every single movie ever should end with the lead character being handed a well deserved huge blue flag and then proceeding to frantically wave it around until the credits roll. Picture how much better every movie would be with that ending. If Rocky had gotten it at the end of every Rocky movie. If Morgan Freeman had been given the blue flag at the end of Seven or Shawshank Redemption. Or if Optimus Prime got one in Transformers. Really you can take any ending from any movie, put the blue flag in there, and it becomes at least 10,000 times better automatically.

The movie itself, ending aside, is still pretty generic and not that interesting. The voiceovers and new scenes certainly do help to create a much more fluid and cohesive experience, but it doesnt completely save the movie. Although with that ending, I can't give it a failing mark. It has to at least pass.

5.5/10

Godzilla Raids Again aka Gigantis the Fire Monster

Why in the hell is an alternate name for this movie Gigantis the Fire Monster? It's clearly Godzilla. He looks the same and acts the same. They fucked up his roar but you can still it's him. Weird.

So after essentially watching the same Godzilla movie twice I was more than ready to move on to the sequel. I wanted to see where the storyline went after the surprisingly good first entry in the series. Turns out they really didn't take the story very far.

The movie is kind of a weird hybrid of the two different versions of the first Godzilla. It doesn't have the American actor randomly inserted into the story to explain all of the events to us. It just has the Japanese actors do it. More accurately, somehow does a voiceover over all of the regular footage from the movie. Anytime a character isn't speaking, there is a voiceover (talking really quickly, I guess to talk about everything that is going on) detailing every single action taking place on screen. The worst part is that he is not needed at all! It's not hard to figure out what we're looking at and the voiceover feeds us stupid and pointless information such as:

"I saw my friend and waved back". We don't need a voiceover explaining that! Clearly he is looking at his friend and waving! That's probably the worst example but it goes on for most of the movie. It's definitely more irritating than helpful.

Godzilla himself is more or less the same, only like I mentioned they fucked up his roar. They made it way more annoying, and for some reason, that led to him roaring more. You may want to mute this sum bitch whenever ole Zilla is around. He does fight another monster in this one, which is the first of many times he has done that. The fight is ok, but the other monster really doesn't have much of a personality given to him.

There is one amazing shot near the end of the movie where a helicopter pilot yells that he has spotted Godzilla. We cut down to the ground where there is Godzilla, standing completely still and not moving at all. I think he is even in mid-step. It's clearly a toy on a set, but that doesn't stop them from using the exact same shot at least 2 more times. It's definitely the highlight of the movie.

I'm still looking forward to when the Godzilla movies start to get more and more ridiculous. They seem to already be getting there, but not quite to the point I want them to be at. In the meantime, this wasn't a very good movie, with the toy shot being the definite highlight. God damn that annoying roar!

5/10

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

I actually originally wrote this review for a website called N-Philes, where I was recently hired on as a writer. Anyone who reads this should head on over there and take a look around. It's a damn good site and well, I write there, so really why the hell wouldn't you go there?! This is also the reason for the lack of language in this one, had to be all professional here. So enjoy how all of my movie reviews would probably look if I put any effort into them.

There is only one question one can ask about the existence of a new Street Fighter movie…why? Why are they bothering to make another Street Fighter movie? Why is it just focusing on Chun-Li? Why haven’t I seen any advertisements for it? Why isn’t it opening in very many theatres? Well the answers to those questions are as follows: To punish us, beats the hell out of me, because nobody can possibly be proud of this, and so the producers can hide their shame.

It really shouldn’t be that hard to make a good Street Fighter movie. At least it shouldn’t be hard to make a better one than the last attempt at it with Van-Damme. You could show us footage of people playing the games for 90 minutes and it would be a better movie. Yet somehow, they have made maybe not a worse movie, but one that is at least equally as bad.

The story of course focuses on Chun-Li (Kristen Kreuk) and well, her legend. This legend tells the harrowing and epic tale of how Chun-Li wandered aimlessly around various cities, looking at things. Seriously that’s basically the first half of the movie. Things don’t really pick-up until she is eventually trained by none other…than Liu Kang!! Well OK it’s actually just Robin Shou who played Liu Kang in the Mortal Kombat movies. However the movie becomes a lot more fun if you pretend you’re watching Liu Kang train Chun-Li. Actually that’s a great analogy of the movie as a whole, you have to trick yourself into thinking you’re enjoying it.

There really isn’t a whole lot to the story. Chun-Li is after Bison (Neil McDonough) who took her father away from her when she was a child. He and his associate Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan) are heading an evil scheme to well, buy up real estate. Seriously why is that every villain’s plan these days? Anyway, Chun-Li is also helped in this quest by two Interpol agents, Maya Sunee (Moon Bloodgood) and Charlie Nash (Chris Klein, oh don’t worry we’ll get to him). Along the way she encounters a wide assortment of Street Fighter characters such as Vega and….ummmm….nope that’s actually it. Wonderful.

The acting in this movie ranges from adequate, to poor, to just laughable. Kristen Kreuk isn’t nearly as bad in the lead role as I was expecting. She tends to over-dramatize a few moments and isn’t entirely convincing as the badass the movie wants us to think she is, but she is ok. In fact her and Michael Clarke Duncan, who really has very little to do here, fare the best out of everybody.

Neil McDonough brings a bizarre touch to his character, choosing to talk in a spotty Irish accent for the entire movie. That would make sense if he was raised in Ireland, but he wasn’t! The movie makes it clear that he was raised in Bangkok from when he was a baby! So why the accent? I know absolutely nothing about genetics, but I do know that doesn’t make one lick of sense.

However nothing can prepare you for the epic disaster that is Chris Klein. I simply can’t accept that he was genuinely trying to portray a realistic character here. How could he possibly have looked at the dailies for this movie and thought “My GOD I am so badass!!” He tries so hard to play a tough cop that it is impossible not to laugh and point at him. It’s as though he believed all cops just talk in a raspy voice and squint, so he just ran with that. It’s incredible. Think Nicholas Cage in the Wicker Man bad and you have kind of an idea of what I’m talking about here. He alone almost makes it worth watching this movie.

You could probably forgive the lackluster story and poor acting if at least the fighting was good. It is a Street Fighter movie after all, that’s really what matters. Unfortunately we don’t even have that to fall back on. First of all there really aren’t even many fights in the movie. When we do get one, it’s over before we have time to register it’s happening. Plus it’s all just wirework that would have seemed dated years ago, so now it’s just painfully boring.

Chun-Li’s fight against Vega is particularly disappointing. The whole movie seems to be building up to it, plus Vega himself has potential for awesomeness. However the fight itself is so lame and anti-climatic, my jaw actually dropped. It was almost like the movie was giving me the finger. When the fighting in a Street Fighter movie is bad, then what’s the point?

If there was ever any hope for a good Street Fighter movie, this one smashes it over the head, stomps on its throat and then breaks its neck. The worst part is that this movie ends with a blatant set-up for a sequel. Why is that bad? Because the premise they set up should have been this movie in the first place! It could make a great movie but of course now we’re never going to see it because they decided to release this one first instead.

Definitely don’t pay money for this movie. Don’t go see it in theatres, don’t rent it. Just wait for it to come on TV, grab some friends, and have a few laughs at the movie (and especially Chris Klein’s) expense.

3/10

Gojira

I mentioned in my review of Godzilla King of the Monsters that I was curious to see the original Japanese version of the movie. This was mostly because of how ridiculous Raymond Burr's inclusion in everything was. It was completely pointless and really just felt like they had to cater to the North American audience by narrating the entire fucking movie for us. 

So now I've seen the original Japanese version of the movie and well, it certainly does play better overall as a movie than the American one. It never feels as disjointed and the whole thing flows a lot better. There are also some added scenes here and there as the running time is approximately 15 minutes longer in this one.

Aside from the lack of narration and Raymond Burr, the movie is pretty much the same. It was actually a pretty short viewing experience for me because I ended up just fast-forwarding through all of the major sequences I had already seen, which was actually just about all of them in the end. There is more added to the backstory of Godzilla though, which I thought was pretty interesting. The rest of the movie is pretty much the same, including the attack and the ending, although the ending works better in this version too.

Overall the movie is still solid, but I would not call it a classic. It's still a little slow moving, maybe even more so here since the running time is a little longer. The attack sequence is cool and like I said before it's always satisfying watching a guy in a rubber suit smash toy cars and buildings. It's too bad it takes a little too long to get to the monster attack though. However this version of the movie is better than the American one, so if I had to pick one or the other, this is definitely the better of the two.

7/10

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Manos the Hands of Fate

Too much typing for that title! Anyway this is going to be a tricky review to write. Anyone who is familiar with the show Mystery Science Theater 3000 should know why. For those who aren't aware of the show, basically the concept is that a human character and two robots watch old terrible movies and make fun of them. There are some skits and other things in between, but that is the core concept. I had heard of the show but had never actually seen a single episode. I heard this was a great one to start with, so I figured I would give it a shot. I have to say that it's not as drop-dead hilarious as I was hoping, but there are definitely a lot of laughs to be had here.

This show seems like it would live or die by the movie that is being watched in the episode. Thankfully the movie they are watching here, Manos The Hands of Fate, is just fucking terrible. I've heard about this movie before but never had the balls to watch the real thing. Seriously just go on IMDB and look this movie up. Some of the Trivia facts for it are just amazing, and yet sad at the same time.  I'm really glad I chose this show as the venue to watch this movie because it's not only terrible, but really boring too.

Manos itself is really slow, despite some pretty awesome unintentionally hilarious moments. Plus the fact that it sounds like maybe 3 people did all of the voiceovers for all the characters. The little girl sounds like a fucking 40 year old, and it's damn funny. The movie really does just drag on though, so hearing some funny comments makes the whole thing much more tolerable.

The comments made throughout the movie range from hilarious, to a little cringe worthy at times. I can't really give any examples of some of the better ones since taken out of the context of the movie, they really wouldn't make any sense at all. I do this is something that would stand up to at least one more viewing, maybe not many more after that though.

I really don't have much more to say about this, which could be interesting since I plan on watching many more of these after this first introduction. It's a solid show that although not always hilarious, just has a likable quality to it. It just makes you smile when you watch it, and sometimes that's all you need.

7.5/10

H.G Well's First Men in the Moon

No the title is not a typo, I was thrown off at first too. This is actually an old 50's sci-fi I mostly watched because of Ray Harryhausen having worked on it. He is one of pioneers of stop motion animation and I'm a sucker for that shit. I think a lot of it is because I failed so badly at my attempts at it that I love to see it done really well. In my quest to see that, I started looking to the classic Harryhausen movies, and this is the first one I ended up with.

It's always interesting going into a movie you know absolutely nothing about. Where you have no idea what the story will be, who the characters are, or anything at all really. That was the case with this movie. I had never even heard of it before sitting down to watch it so I was going in with a completely blank slate.

The movie tells the story about the first moon landing (which I don't think had actually happened at the time this movie was made) and the Americans that land there. However once they are there they discover a British flag, along with a note indicating that someone else had been there in 1899. So the movie appears to be about a British man telling the story about how he was actually the first person to walk on the moon. It's mostly about how he finds this guy who has built a machine that will take them there, and all of the problems they encounter along the way.

Then the aliens show up.

Yes about halfway through this the movie takes a complete left turn and the inside of the moon turns out to be inhabited by these bizarre looking fly like creatures. There are even these giant (stop motion animated!!!) slugs to contend with as well. This was pretty cool stuff. I was only mildly interested in the first part of the movie but as far as I'm concerned, things really picked up once they actually landed on the moon.

Overall the movie was pretty decent. The stuff on the moon and dealing with the aliens was the coolest stuff, since that's what I was in it for in the first place. Everything leading up to that is interesting, but often pretty boring as well.

6.5/10

Leprechaun

Up until this point I have done my best to avoid this series. Usually in a long-running horror series, no matter how bad the sequels eventually got, the first movie is almost always considered a good movie. Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Friday the 13th, all series that have had tons of sequels, but have a first movie that is considered at least solid. Leprechaun is known for being shitty from the very beginning. However the time had finally come to maybe not watch the entire series, but at least see where it all began. Sadly, it has that terrible reputation for a reason.

The only thing worth noting about this movie is that it's the first starring role of Jennifer Aniston. She does ok, definitely better than the other human character performers. Her character is pretty annoying, but I guess it's neat to see where she started off. Then again, I don't really like Jennifer Aniston, so maybe it's not that neat at all.

The leprechaun himself is more annoying than anything. He has terrible one-liners, pretty lame deaths, and I'm not sure but it sounded like his Irish accent just came and went throughout the movie. One of his first kills is death by pogo stick. Sounds like it could be funny right? No, not really, and it's not. Plus the death doesn't make sense since it shows the guy's face all bloody even though the pogo stick never comes near it. Leprechaun also spends a good chunk of the movie driving around in a little car or on roller skates. The film footage is sped up for these parts and the result is just well, stupid. Overall Leprechaun is a weak, WEAK horror movie villain and makes even Freddy in his later days seem dark and serious.

The movie tries to be a horror comedy but fails spectacularly with both genres. It's never close to being scary, and any and all attempts at humour fall completely flat. Plus the last half hour of the movie is just boring. The movie isn't a complete failure in that you're in such disbelief over what you're seeing that you just have to keep watching. I really can't believe this movie spawned a whole series. I won't be surprised if I check out another one just to see where the fuck they took things from here. I'd like to say it can't get worse, but lord knows that it certainly can.

4/10