Godzilla King of the Monsters

Even though I'm already in the middle of about 19 other franchises, I decided to start watching the classic Godzilla movies too. The only one I'm really familiar with is the version they did here in the US. I loved that movie as a kid, but not so much now. I was curious to see where the character came from and just why everybody hated that version so much.

This is the American version of the original movie. By that I mean they took a lot of the footage of the Japanese movie, and inserted an American actor into it, Raymond Burr. It actually makes the whole thing really ridiculous since his character essentially narrates the entire movie for us. I guess that was so the audience didn't have to read any subtitles. His character never once seems like he belongs, no matter how hard the movie attempts to incorporate him into everything that's going on. If anything it makes me really curious to see the original version, which is the one I hope to watch next.

Godzilla himself doesn't show up until over the halfway point of the movie, although we do catch glimpses of him up until the point. When he does show, he gets right to work fucking up all sorts of shit. This part of the movie is awesome. There's something so great about watching a guy in a rubber suit destroy what are in many cases, toys. There is one part where he knocks over a fire truck and when it cuts to the close-up it's so clearly just a little toy. It should be stupid, but its just fucking spectacular.

It was neat to see the original Godzilla, back before the entire series went nuts and he just started fighting other creatures and having a son. Frankly though I can't wait to watch those movies. This one was more of an actual movie. Godzilla is the bad guy and all he wants is to step on trains and roar his awesome roar. I look forward to seeing where the series goes from here. This one was pretty good, although the Raymond Burr aspect was pretty stupid, and Godzilla himself takes way too long to show up.

6.5/10, almost purely for the final half of the movie

3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain

This is the last of the 3 Ninjas movies I have to watch. I didn't bother re-watching the first one since it's still very fresh in my memory. I didn't even see this one when I was younger, so this makes High Noon the first 3 Ninjas movie that I had never seen until now. Apparently even younger me knew this thing was going to suck. Younger me was a smart man.

For the longest time this movie was firmly placed in the Bottom 100 list at the Internet Movie Database. I'm not sure when but it did eventually manage to crawl its way out of there, although its overall rating is still something like a 2/10. After watching it, I'm really not very surprised. I certainly can't say that it's one of the worst movies ever made, but my GOD it sure was terrible. In fact I think this will be the first movie I try to tackle a video review for because simple words just can't do this thing justice.

For starter's this thing features the most random, bizarre cast I have maybe ever seen. Victor Wong as Grandpa is, I believe at least, the only actor returning from the other movies in the franchise. This was also his last movie ever which is just too bad. This was not a good way to go out. He definitely looks a little worse for the wear in this one, and he wisely doesn't have any fight scenes in this one. It makes one wonder why his character is even here, especially because I doubt the 2 fans the series had (both members of the crew) would riot if they didn't include the grandpa character here.

The 3 ninjas themselves have once again been replaced by different actors. This time it's more noticeable than ever. The kid playing Colt....wow I wish I could show you what this bastard looks like. I would love to show you a picture here but after way too long of searching, there doesn't seem to be one to do this guy justice. I'm afraid you're just going to watch the movie. I can tell you that he has a ponytail down to almost his legs, plus almost a mushroom cut on top of that. It's the worst thing I've ever seen and my GOD I wish I could show you a picture here. Nevertheless, you just want this kid to get his ass beat for being so fucking goofy looking.

The villains are led by Burt Reynold's ex-wife Loni Anderson, probably the most unthreatening villain ever featured in any movie ever. One of her henchmen is played by Jim Varney, aka Ernest, playing the second most unthreatening villain in any movie ever. They give a scar to try and fool us into thinking he's a threat, but we're too smart to fall for that. As far as I can tell the villains evil plan is to make rides go faster than they should....BASTARDS!!!!!

The best casting though is Hulk Hogan as TV star Dave Dragon. He is so out of place and random that it's just amazing. Although he does get his ass kicked by Loni Anderson just a few too many times for my liking.

Wow I can't believe I talked about casting for that long. The rest of the movie is expected. There are the usual 3 dumb henchmen, lots of fight scenes that go on for way too fucking long. There is even one fight on top of a roller coaster track because....well why the hell not I guess? That fight ends with what should be the first murder committed by a 3 ninja, but unfortunately the movie pussies out and it doesn't happen. Anyway, let's move on to the traditional "stupid, funny moments" that these movies seem to be so good at.

1)Hulk Hogan's character is taken hostage, along with dozens of other park goers. A little kid asks him if he is going to be a hero, since he plays one on TV. This is understable. The kid is really young and I can see how he would get the actor mixed up with the actor. It's the part after that where a full grown man is shaking his head in disappointment at Hogan. "Fucking TV actor can even save our lives." Hopefully that man died during the ensuing chaos.

2) Right after that, maybe to prove himself to that delusioned man, Hogan decides to save the day by running very slowly, making a huge scene, towards one of the ninjas (who have the place surrounded, all pointing guns at the hostages). At any point during this the ninjas could have gunned down all of the hostages. Anyway they decide to instead let Hogan beat up one of their men, and free all of the hostages. At this point you know the bad guys are all talk and there is no threat. But what if they were? Seriously this was the big plan? And the hostages are even cheering him on!!! Wow...wow.

There are more that I can't remember at the time, all the more motivation to make that video review. This is a terrible movie though, definitely the worst of the 3 Ninjas bunch. It has some laughable moments (including the worst bully any movie has ever portrayed), but other than that, BLAH!

3/10

Mary Shelly's Frankenstein

This was my attempt to complete my Frankenstein through the ages thing that I had going. I watched the original, one from the 70's, and now the one from the 90's to cap everything off. I had never seen this movie, but had never heard great things about it. Again I can't say how closely it stayed true to the novel, because I don't remember the damn thing. I can say that out of the 3 Frankenstein movies I watched, this one is definitely at the bottom of the pile.

A better name for this movie would be "Mary Shelly's Kenneth Branaugh Ego Trip." Unfortunately she never wrote that book. However that's almost exactly what this movie is. I've seen a couple of Branaugh's Shakespere movies and it's almost the exact same thing. It's just "look at me! look at me!" His movies are also very over the top and over dramatic. This one is no exception, except because it's a Frankenstein movie it seems a lot more out of place then it does in say Hamlet. 

This at times feels like the high school play version of Frankenstein. The acting isn't bad, but I really don't even know how to describe it. Everyone is trying way too fucking hard. There are even soliloquys in this thing. A fucking lot of them. It all sort of came off as laughable to me. 

One thing I really liked about the movie was the monster itself. First off, it's played by Robert De Niro, which is just awesome. Second, he actually looks like he is a bunch of human pieces stitched together. Third, he's fucking badass. This is a completely new take on the monster and I was really into it. In this version he is a lot smarter and actually can talk and think and act like a real person, which makes sense since he essentially is one. Once he finds out how he was born, he goes nuts and vows to get revenge on Dr. Frankenstein for creating him.

I'm not sure if we're supposed to root for the monster or not, but I sure did. Anytime he kills one of those over dramatic human characters I was pumped because I knew that meant they would have to shut the fuck up from now on. If the whole movie had been the monster killing the cast, this would be an easy 9/10.

I wasn't fan of this version of Frankenstein. I don't like what was done with the material and I especially didn't like Kenneth Branaugh, or most of the cast really. I loved the monster though, and him alone made the movie worth watching. Too bad he didn't kill everyone within the first half hour though. Hell he doesn't even show up until almost the halfway point of the film. BOO!

5/10

Push

The first time I saw the trailer for Push it just reminded me of last year's Jumper. Both are essentially 'original' origin stories for superheroes. They both contain pretty well known actors, but nobody that makes you go "holy shit it's so and so!" They both have one word very generic titles. And the most intense reaction you can muster up after watching the trailer for each movie is "eh." I will say that Push is the better movie over Jumper, but it's still pretty eh.

One problem with Push is one that Jumper suffered from as well. The whole thing feels less like a story and more like a set-up. It seems like the writers intend this to be nothing more than an origin story with the real meat of the story coming later. As with Jumper, this movie probably didn't do well enough to justify a sequel so I'm guessing we'll never actually see where this story was going to go. So I guess we're forever going to be stuck with only this part of the story, which is only kind of interesting. 

At least the acting is a huge step up from Jumper. It's not really that hard to do considering the star of Jumper was Hayden Christensen, who I don't think has done a movie since so maybe, MAYBE, Hollywood has finally figured out he has no talent. Chris Evans is still a little bland in the lead role, but he's definitely a step-up. It's still a little weird to see a Dakota Fanning who is starting to grow up, but there's no denying she can act and she does well. She may actually be one of those child actors who manages to keep working after they get older. She can now join the ranks of.....Elijah Wood. I guess that's it. Djimon Honsou plays the villain and actually doesn't get a whole lot to do here. He's a good actor though and does well in the role. Then we have Camilla Belle, whose hot.

The story is kind of like the show Heroes, only........well no it's just like the show Heroes. I haven't watched Heroes in a while but it's a safe bet that at least Push is not as fucking goofy as that show was getting. There are some pretty huge plot holes in this thing. One in particular has people all over the Internet struggling to explain it. I think it just didn't make sense. It's not a boring movie though, just not particularly engaging. 

The action scenes are surprisingly few and far between. When you do get one it's never that exciting. I will say that Jumper probably did a better job with its action sequences. Push does have a gun fight using telekenetic powers to move all of the guns, I just can't decide if it's the coolest thing I've ever seen, or the fucking stupidest. 

Overall Push is very ok. The plot is kind of generic and silly, the action scenes are underwhelming, and the performances are satisfactory. It sounds like I hated the movie but I didn't. It was just average, though as a whole it was better than Jumper. It is a little too bad that we most likely will never see a sequel to this because I wouldn't mind seeing where this story line went, especially because the ending to this movie sort of kicks lots of ass.

6/10

3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

Yes that's right, I subjected myself to another one. The almost exact same story goes for this one as 3 Ninjas Kick Back. Knuckle Up came out in 1995, and I saw it in '95. I may have watched it twice during the rental period because well, I was a stupid child. After that I never saw it again, until now. Yet I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew the dialogue, even the way the lines would be said. It was kind of a terrifying phenomenon.

The first thing about this movie that's nice is that the kids from the original 3 Ninjas movies are back instead of those new ones from Kick Back. Unfortunately that wears off quick when you realize well, these kids aren't that much better than the other ones. They're familiar which is nice, but that doesn't make them any more tolerable. 

At this point the formula for these movies was pretty much set in stone. The 3 main characters fight bad guys who frankly shouldn't be allowed to leave the house, there is always 1 main bad guy and 3 henchmen who share one common stereotype and are stupider than any real human being could ever be. This one at least tries to do something different by tackling the subject of corrupt businessman trying to dump toxic waste on native american land. The best solution to this problem of course, is to have 3 10 years old just beat all the businessman up. Just like in real life!

The fights are as stupid as ever. The kids essentially graze their foot on someone and then they fly 50 feet through the god damn air. There are also way too many fights in this one, which seems strange but it's true. Every time a fight comes I imagine you're supposed to be excited. I just rolled my eyes and hammered the fast forward button.

Speaking of the fights, do all of the kids really need to yell out every single fucking time they hit somebody?! It's beyond annoying and once you notice it then it becomes all you can focus on! "EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH!" That word takes up at least 80% of the dialogue in the entire movie. It really makes you want the adult ninjas to win, but to just flat out slice these kids' faces off.

One moment that does stand out as being kind of funny is during a really stupid fight inside a pizza parlour, Colt and Tum Tum (wow I really hate actually typing out their names) have been kicking the shit out of ninjas for about 4 or 5 minutes. They aren't being subtle about it either. Tables are being smashed, shit is being thrown all over the place, people are screaming, it's absolute chaos! Anyway one of the ninjas falls behind Rocky, the third ninja, who has been playing a video game. He seems blown away there is a fight going on. How wrapped up in that game was he? This is the kid beating up dozens of grown adult and yet he isn't perceptive enough to realize there's a full out ninja war going on 2 feet away from him. Wow kid...wow.

I know it's a kid's movie and it's a little unfair of me to judge it but still. This one does hold a little more nostalgic value than Kick Back did, but the movie itself is actually kind of boring, which is the last thing I expected. Not even containing enough stupid moments to make the movie sort of enjoyable, it's really just bad. Decent points for some memories attached to it, but that's about it.

4/10

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed

This movie is part of the Hammer series of Frankenstein movies that I believe all came out during the seventies. This is the fifth in the series, so it was probably not the best place for me to start. Thankfully it doesn't matter because each movie seems to stand on its own.

This series puts a very different spin on the character of Dr. Frankenstein. The focus of the movies is completely on him, and not on his monster. Although by the looks of things, he probably has a different monster in each movie of the series. What's interesting is that they made the character a crazy, sadistic asshole. He is essentially the villain here, which I thought was pretty cool. It was a very different take on things and made it interesting.

The movie itself is surprisingly watchable too. The plot was pretty simple but it was entertaining, interesting and actually had some pretty good suspenseful moments. Coming off of the original 1931 Frankenstein, it was also strange to see a good amount of gore in this movie. A lot of is left to the imagination, but there are a couple of graphic murders here and there to spice things up.

This was the first of the Hammer horror movies I've seen and it was a pretty good introduction to everything. They are a lot more violent and crass it looks like, but I like the spin they put on the classic monster movie. With a title like this, I had very low expecations for this movie, but it surprised me. I look forward to exploring some more of the movies in the Hammer horror movie series.

7/10

Frankenstein (1931)

It was time for me to check out another one of the classic monster movies, another goal of mine being to watch them all. Frankenstein seemed to be a great place to start. I had read the novel in high school but my memory of it is non-existent. Therefore I can't say how accurate this movie is in adapting the book, but I can say it's a damn solid movie and it's very easy to tell why it's considered a classic.

The thing that struck me the most of this movie is how much of it is iconic. This is the movie that invented the look of Frankenstein that everyone knows to this day. It's what made him a classic monster. On top of that you have the hunchbacked Igor assistant (which I don't think had been featured in a movie before this one), the townspeople rioting with their torches and pitchforks, and just about every other scene in this movie. Every second represents some famous moment that has been recreated in many other forms over the years.

Another thing that surprised me is how damn agile Frankenstein is. I always imagined him as a slow, lumbering figure...arms stretched out in front of him and moving pretty much how a zombie would. Turns out that's not the case at all. This sum bitch can move, and he can fight too. He's actually a really great character and no matter what happens or what he does, you can't help but root for the poor guy/thing.

The movie is very short and moves along at a lightning fast pace. It really is over before you know it. There's not a whole lot more that I can say about it that would be ground-breaking or anything. Everyone knows the story and even if you don't think you do, you will immediately recognize almost all of the imagery in the movie. It was a great movie and I definitely plan on adding it to my DVD collection sometime soon.

8.5/10

The Cub Tiger of Kwang Tung

Well kids, wave hello the most random movie I've talked about on here so far. I recently decided I wanted to start checking out some of Jackie Chan's older movies, as well as some of the newer ones of his that I never watched. What better place to start than the beginning? This is indeed Jackie's first starring role in a movie so it was the best way to start this journey of discovery.

I don't really watch a lot of old kung fu movies, and by a lot, I mean any at all. In fact I think this could have been my first. My thoughts? Well I can't really judge the whole genre by this one movie but wow, kung fu movies are fucking weird.

I couldn't even start to tell you what the plot was about. Something to do with Jackie's dad dying and then running a noodle stand. Then some bad guys do stuff, and they have to get beaten up. Following the story wasn't made easier by the subtitles. They were partly cut-off by the bottom of the screen and often blended in with the background, making them impossible to see. On top of that, there were usually additional subtitles on top of those ones, I guess to help you understand the ones you can't see. The best part was that if you looked, the two subtitles were usually saying completely different things.

Even if you could completely see all of the subtitles, what was being said usually just seemed completely random. However this movie does contain my new favourite pre-fight line with "I want to beat you up!" Best war cry ever. There's a lot of strange moments in this thing. To name a few...

1)Jackie's mentor/uncle/guy he knows?, gets mad when he finds out Jackie has been fighting. He throws a potted plant at him, which Jackie knocks out of the way and breaks. The man then gets mad Jackie broke the plant, so he throws even more plants at him. It's a strange solution to the problem to say the least.

2)A woman spits on the bad guy who then proceeds to eat the spit, and comment on the taste of it. The weirdest part is that nobody seems to find this strange. It's certainly not threatening, so why doesn't anybody react appropriately?

3)Mentor uncle guy gets mad at Jackie again for fighting and makes him punch into a pile of broken glass, then immediately demands Jackie fight his sister. The man is clearly out of his fucking mind and should not be listened to by anybody.

I could probably keep going but those are the moments that stood out the most to me. The fighting is decent, but there's not much of it. Until the final scene there isn't much of the usual stunt work Jackie is known for, but this is also his earliest work. If anything I'm looking forward to what's to come in my Jackie Chan movie viewing. This one though...well it's fucking weird which made it worth watching, but it wasn't very impressive as a movie.

4/10

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

Originally I had planned to watch this one before the remake, a movie I thought was merely ok. Therefore it was interesting to see the original and just why it apparently deserved a remake in the first place. 

As is to be expected, the original is on a much smaller scale than last year's version. No huge flashy effects or anything like that. In fact the entire movie is mostly dialogue. The core story mechanics are the same as the remake, it's the characters and situations which are different. Overall, the first one is better for a variety of reasons.

Klaatu is fucking awesome. He was pretty good in the remake too though in all fairness. I just love how different he is from the usual alien visitor in these movies. He's a little more compassionate here than he was in the remake, but he's still a bad ass who would blow up the earth in a second if we don't get in line. Then he and Gort would go to other planets and pick up some chicks, cuz that's how they roll.

Gort was so much simpler here. He spends most of the movie just standing there. He certainly isn't turning into huge bugs which I thought was ridiculous even before seeing this version. Plus Will Smith's son wasn't around to piss everybody in the audience off. Again, he's going to the new Karate Kid! Terrible, terrible! Why not just cast Eddie Murphy as the new Freddy Kruegar, or Miley Cyrus as a new Hannibal Lecter?! It makes about as much sense Hollywood!

Anyway I'm getting off track. I kind of wish I had watched this one first before seeing the remake. I would rather be judging it off of the original, instead of the other way around. It's easy to see where this one got it's reputation though. I can't say I loved it, but I definitely enjoyed it and look forward to watching more of the classic 1950's science fiction movies in the coming weeks. 

7.5/10

2009 Academy Awards

It's a bit of a stretch but you know what, it makes sense for me to do a write-up of the Oscars on here so here it goes. This is probably going to be all over the place so I will at least try to divide all of my thoughts up into categories.

Host

Hugh Jackman was a bit of a strange choice for a host. I was curious to see how he was going to do. Well, even after watching the ceremony I can't really say for sure. The opening was quite good, I especially enjoyed The Reader musical part. It looked like Hugh was having fun and Wolverine can sing and dance like nobody's business. He told a few decent jokes, although I have no idea what he said to Brad and Angelina and I don't think anyone else did either.

The problem is that after the opening, he really had nothing to do. He would come out and say a few sentences and then take off again. I don't even think he told another joke for the rest of the show. He had another musical number which I will admit was pretty painful. It was long and completely unneeded. Then he came back at the end to say good night and that was the end of it all. So I guess he did fine, but he was in the show for maybe 20 minutes tops.

Presenters

Tina Fey and Steve Martin were definitely the highlight for me. They had several good jokes and Martin had both of the night's best lines. Ben Stiller was another highlight, doing a great impersonation of the new fucked up version of Joaquin Phoenix. I don't know if it counts as a presenter really, but the new short film based on the Pineapple Express characters was hilarious. 

I wasn't a huge fan of how they presented the acting awards and I think people are going to be very divided on this. I miss the clips. It really gave you an idea of the performance, especially if you haven't seen the movie. I liked seeing all these great actors on stage to do the intros, but it really boiled down to "you're so great" just said in different ways. The intro for Best Actress just went on...and on....and on. Oh and Bill Maher came out to take a shot at religion, which seemed a little petty and out of place, but the man must have known it would get people talking so some credit has to go to him.

Many of the presenters were out there for a long time too. Will Smith gave out 4 awards, and most other presenters gave out at least 2. Overall there were some funny moments, but I really hope they go back to the clips before the actor categories next year.

Presentation of the Show

Whoever the director of this show was better be being brutally beaten (alliteration for the win!!!) with an Oscar as we speak...or type. Mostly because of the Memorium section. First off I didn't like the live song. There's no denying Queen Latifah can sing, but this felt kind of pointless. What made it worse is the camera never stayed still. It was swooping around and zooming out and you could never clearly see the actual screen with the people on it. I missed half of who passed away because of the fucking camera being an asshole. This was terrible and unforgivable. Just show us a screen with some music playing over it, don't fancy up the In Memorium.

Speaking of the memorials, where was George Carlin? or Don Lafontaine for that matter? I mean Don only did the voiceover for every movie trailer ever? Did he really not deserve to be in there? I also think it's time they make the crowd stay silent during this section. The fact that the bigger names get more applause is just kind of cruel. Although this year was strange because one of the bigger names, Charleton Heston, got virtually no applause at all. Sure many people didn't agree with his politics, but you can't deny he was a solid actor. For shame!

That section of the show was my biggest complaint, but I had many other problems. For example, why didn't we get to hear the original songs in their complete form? We weren't even told what songs we were listening to. It's bad enough they only had 3 song nominees (leaving out great ones like Huey Lewis and Bruce Springsteen) but to not even play them? We get 20 minutes of Hugh Jackman singing but not the actual nominees? It doesn't make any sense!

There was just too much filler (which is always a problem) with the songs and the pointless genre montages. The show needed to be tighter, but then you can say that about every Oscar ceremony. Plus like I said the Memorial section was so poorly done it made me physically angry.

Nominees/Winners

The best word to describe this is 'safe'. This year the Academy had the chance to take some risks and make some ballsy-ish movies, but they didn't. This began with Dark Knight not being nominated, which didn't upset me as much as it did many others but still. Then Sean Penn wins instead of Mickey Rourke. SAFE! Sean Penn was great in Milk, but Mickey's performance was superior and he earned that Oscar. Sean Penn will be nominated again, but Rourke...probably not. Were they afraid of what Mickey would say? Afraid he might actually liven this fucking thing up?! At least Penn still gave a solid speech, one that really seems to have pissed off a lot of homophobes on the Internet. 

Aside from Penn, there was nothing that even came close to being an upset, except maybe the Foreign Language film award. As expected Slumdog just won everything, even awards I feel it really didn't deserve. The whole thing just felt very procedural, like you were just waiting for Slumdog to win and then move on. There was no real suspense or drama to the whole thing.

While there were a few good speeches, especially Heath's family coming up to accept his award, none really stood out as being exceptional. They were the usual thank yous and so on. I would say Penn and the Ledger's were the two best of the evening.

Overall Thoughts

As I'm sure you've already guessed, I was very let down by this years Academy Awards ceremony. The host was virtually ignored, the directing was high school drama class bad, the filler was more pointless than usual, and the whole thing felt very safe and boring. Aside from a few good jokes and moments, the 3 1/2 hours was simply not very entertaining.

5.5/10

Rachel Getting Married

I managed to squeeze in just one more Oscar movie before the actual ceremony started. It's kind of too bad though because out of all the ones I've seen, I would probably put this one near the bottom, if not at the actual bottom.

I really only watched it because of the buzz around Anne Hathaway. For a while there she was the favourite to win the award so I had to see the movie first. She is definitely good in it, but I wouldn't at all say she is my pick for Best Actress. Her performance is definitely the highlight of the movie though.

I simply couldn't get into this movie. Several of the scenes went on for far too long (dishwasher scene, all of the speeches) and nothing that interesting was happening. It really felt like I was just watching a wedding, which I'm sure was the purpose but well, I don't really want to be watching a wedding. The dancing scene at the end seemed to last about 10 minutes as well and again, I just didn't really care.

There were definitely some good scenes and the performances were across the board pretty fantastic. I just wasn't invested in the movie as a whole. I found it a tad dull and didn't really like any of the characters which really made me feel disconnected from all of the events. This is one of those cases where good performances just can't save the overall movie.

6/10 

3 Ninjas Kick Back

Watching 3 Ninjas Kick Back was the strangest thing. The movie came out back in 1994 and I know for a fact that I haven't seen it since. It has been fifteen years since I last saw this movie. Yet the entire time I was watching it I knew everything that was going to happen. It wasn't just because the movie is insanely predictable, because I was saying lines of dialogue, character reactions and all sorts of things I shouldn't know. How do I remember this movie so well even though I was 10 years old the last time I watched it?

There is really only one logical conclusion to come to. I have in fact seen this movie several times since 1994, but paid to have the memory surgically removed, kind of like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Anywhere in my mind they found something about this movie, they got rid of it. The problem is, they must have either missed some stuff, or my mind is so strong it's starting to remember. Frankly, I might be better off forgetting.

There's no denying the first 3 Ninjas is a pretty bad movie. However I will always have a soft spot for it because of pure nostalgia. The 2nd movie however does not hold that nostalgia factor so I can recognize it as just a bad movie. 

The strangest thing is that 2 of the ninjas have been recast. One seems to be a lot older now, while the other is way way younger. Apparently it's because this one was actually filmed later in the series, but released as the second movie. It doesn't matter too much because none of the actors are particularily good. 

I can't for a second buy into the fact these kids could kick anyone's ass, let alone full grown adults who are apparently trained ninja warriors. When you see them hit someone it looks like a slight tap, yet the opponent just goes flying through the fucking air like they were punched by a damn ape. I guess it's supposed to be ok because the bad guys are so over the top ridiculous that the movie clearly isn't supposed to be taken seriously. The problem is, it's still really stupid.

The fight scenes are I guess well choreographed. It's always very obvious when a stunt double is being used instead of one of the kids, or especially the grandpa. There doesn't seem to be as much fighting in this one either, at least when compared to the first one. Hell the last 15 minutes of the movie is just devoted to a baseball game that nobody has any emotional investment in. I guess we're supposed to want them to beat the other team because it's got some bullies on it. You can't even take these bullies seriously though because at the end of the movie, the main one challenges a girl to a fist fight. He says it all tough too like he's being bad ass. It's pretty pathetic and could be one of the most laughable attempts at being a bully I've ever seen in a movie.

I know it's a little unfair to hate on this movie when I've admitted to liking the first one, which is virtually the exact same movie. You could almost even call this a slight remake. Mostly though this one steals ideas from the second Karate Kid movie. I never noticed it when I was a kid but now I can definitely see the resemblance. Anyway like I said, the first one has nostalgia going for it, however this one does not. It's got enough for me not to give it a completely terrible review, but I can't give it any higher than...

4/10

The Reader

This was the last Best Picture nominee that I had to watch. Now for the first time ever I have seen all 5 of them. There was a lot of upset when it was announced that The Reader was a best picture nominee. I think it's mostly because people were upset that the Dark Knight wasn't nominated. Hell even I was kind of thinking "The Reader? What the hell is it doing in there?" I now understand it more after actually watching it. I even liked it better than a couple of the other best picture nominees.

The first thing I feel I should address is that Kate Winslet has some weird boobs. I know I've seen her naked in movies before, but I don't remember noticing that. Maybe it's because she spends at least 20% of this movie naked. Her nipples are purple and huge and just...not for me. 

I did think the movie was a little slow at first. It's mostly just 2 people reading and then having sex. It sounds a lot more exciting than it actually. Thankfully all of this is a very important set-up for what is to come later in the movie. It is around the halfway point that I really started to get invested in everything.

It's another example of a pretty simple story, but one that is very well told and again, very well acted. I can see why Kate is getting such acclaim for this movie but I definitely don't agree with her winning Best Supporting Actress at the Golden Globes. Not because she wasn't great, but because he is in absolutely no way a supporting actress. She isn't supporting anyone here, she is absolutely the lead female performer. So I don't get how that worked at all.

This is another solid Oscar movie with a good story and some great performances. It's not my favourite of the Best Picture nominees, but I would put it above both Milk and Frost/Nixon.

8/10

Plan 9 From Outer Space

This movie has a reputation of being the worst movie ever made. People get together to watch it and laugh at it and rip it apart even 50 years later. This immediately means it can't possibly be the worst movie ever made. If you can get any sort of enjoyment out of it, then it can't be the worst. The worst has to be something that has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You can't even enjoy it on a "so bad it's good level". It has to be an absolute travesty that makes you want to eat your TV...like you know...Ace Ventura Pet Detective JR!!!

Yes this movie is terrible and very incompetently made....but holy shit is it ever funny. I laughed more at this movie than just about any comedy I've watched in quite some time. Of course none of it is actually meant to be funny, but that makes it so much better. 

First of all the plot makes absolutely no sense. I guess the aliens plan to raise the dead in order to kill all the humans. The problem....they only resurrect 3 dead people!!! Plus those dead people never even leave the cemetery where they were raised! One can only wonder what in the hell the first 8 plans actually were.

The dialogue in this movie is simply incredible, featuring such genius lines as:

"Future events such as these, will affect you in the future."

"Visits? Well that would indicate visitors."

"Now toddle off and fly your flying machine."

And too many more to even get into here. It's all delivered so completely seriously too that it makes it that much better.

The acting is just as bad. The best part is that since Bela Lugosi died during production, they got another guy to pose as him only he has to cover his face the whole time so nobody can tell it's a different person. It doesn't work at all, but that only adds to the genius of everything. One actor is so awful they deliver dialogue that even after rewinding the movie at least 10 times, I still have no fucking clue what he was saying.

This movie is comedy gold and I plan on buying the DVD of it the first chance I get. Get some friends and check this one out. Great times will be had by all.

Movie itself = 1/10

Comedy value = 9/10

King Kong (1933)

Humans are such cockblockers. That's really this entire movie boils down to, humans blocking cock. In this case they are cockblocking a monkey, but it still counts. Anytime Kong is even close to getting some, humans come and fuck it all up. He finally meets the girl of his dreams and look what happens

You have to look at the lengths Kong goes to for this woman too. He tears the head of a T-Rex virtually in half, he kills this giant snake thing that is strangling him the whole time, and then he even fights a teradactyl. Those are some pretty huge gesture. I won't even move my feet off the couch so my girlfriend can sit down. Does Ann thank Kong for all those? Nope, she just runs away and allows him to be kidnapped. Fucking unappreciative women.

Speaking of the kidnapping how in the hell did they get Kong back to land anyway? Their ship wasn't nearly big enough to carry him and I doubt there were enough men to lift him up. I can't remember if the new movie explained that or not.

This is my long winded way of saying I really enjoyed this movie. I had never seen it before. I have only watched the Peter Jackson remake from a few years ago. I liked that movie but did feel it was too long. This one tells the same story in half the time, so right there is a point for this one.

Of course the movie is from 1933 so the special effects are quite primitive. At the same time though, they're pretty damn awesome. It's 76 years later and I know I couldn't make a movie that looks half this good. You can really tell a lot of effort and care went into this movie and it shows.

Kong himself is great. He's completely stop motion animated and if there is anything I respect, it's good stop motion. I have attempted to do it in the past and needless to say, not so good. Although we did a stop motion Degrassi episode in high school that was pretty god damn funny. Kong looks great here and the effects, as primitive as some are, are impressive and add a whole lot of charm to the movie. The scene where dummies of people keep falling off a log and down a cliff was just amazing. I loved it.

I was surprised by how violent this movie is too. Kong doesn't hold back, he just fucks people up left and right. He eats them, throws them to the ground and stomps on their heads, drops them off buildings...it's awesome!

You know the more I think about it the more I enjoyed this movie. I can't wait to start further exploring some more of the classic monster movies.

8.5/10

Ace Ventura Pet Detective JR

The proper title might actually be "Ace Ventura JR Pet Detective" but it doesn't really matter.

I have seen hundreds, most likely even thousands of movies in my lifetime. Whenever someone asks me what my favourite one is, I usually say either Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I've been saying that so long that I don't even know if it's true or not, it's just what I'm trained to do. It's even harder to answer when someone asks me what the worst movie I've ever seen is. Last year made it easier to say "Well Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie are definitely right up there". But now I finally have a definitive answer. Whenever someone asks me what the worst movie I've ever seen is I can look them dead in the eye and say "Ace Ventura Jr Pet Detective" ...then cry.

It might not actually be the worst movie EVER. It might be the rage of having just watched it. It's easily top 10 though, and probably even top 5. I really don't even know where to begin with this one, so we'll start at the beginning...the very beginning.

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS MOVIE GET MADE?! How did a franchise that nobody has cared about for 15 years suddenly peak enough interest to get a 3rd installment? Did 2009 not give us enough shitty trilogies yet? Did they not remember Son of the Mask, Dumb and Dumberer and Evan Almighty? Seriously what happened here?! Someone actually pitched the idea of doing a movie about Ace Ventura's son, and someone else actually said "oh my fuck yes. take some money and make that." This movie exists! It is an actual thing! I can't begin to imagine how that came to be. The ecomony is in the worst state its been in for decades and this is something that deserved millions of dollars? What is wrong with this planet?!

According to the credits, it took 4 writers to come up with this. 4!!! All of the movies I listed as my favourites needed just one dude to write them, and they were awesome. How did it take 4 people to do this? All they needed to do for a script was write "Kid does terrible Jim Carrey impression, makes people want kill selves" in point form and it would be done. So what did the other 3 people do? Get drunk and berate the person actually writing? Who knows.

For those old enough to remember, think back to when these movies were popular. It's ok if you can't remember, it was a really long time ago. Remember how everyone was doing Ace Ventura impressions? Remember how they were all really terrible? Well this is that....the movie...15 years later....and way worse.

It's actually more of a slow burn then I expected. I figured it would be 90 minutes of a kid doing a bad Jim Carrey impression. When it starts however, the kid is normal. I was shocked. The movie was still awful, but not train wreck awful. It doesn't take long however to realize things are going to get really fucking bad.

You might be wondering how they worked around not having Jim Carrey in the movie. The other Jim Carrey-less sequels have done it. Dumb and Dumberer was a prequel, and the other ones just followed a different character and it didn't really affect the premise. Here though, it's supposed to be his kid so he has to be around right? You really want to know how they worked around it?.............................THEY KILLED HIM OFF! That's right, Ace Ventura is fucking dead! This movie wasn't content being terrible on its own, it had to ruin the old movies too. Now whenever you watch them you will know eventually the character gives birth to an obnoxious little shit and then dies. Hear that? That's your childhood being raped.

So the basic idea of the movie is the kid wants to save lost animals but doesn't know why. Then a baby panda (aka a person in a really bad panda suit) is kidnapped and Ace Jr's mom is blamed. So he has to save the day. Fair enough right? Makes sense? It's at this point where things get awful, awful to the point where I had to keep rewinding the movie to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was.

Ace Jr's grandfather shows up to take care of him while his mom is in prison after being arrested despite the police having no concrete evidence whatsoever. His grandfather is dressed like Ace Ventura and yes, starts spouting his catch phrases. In about a minute we get 3 or 4 of them "looooooooser," "like a glove," and a couple others. It's even more painful than you are imagining. The actor just sounds fucking confused like he has no idea what the hell he is talking about. It's pathetic.

So JR finds out he is actually part of a line of pet detectives that dates back to Charles Darwin. That's right...Charles Darwin was actually a ventura, and was actually a pet detective. That sound? That's rightful history being raped.

Not long after the movie goes from awful, to "my GOD I would rather eat a baby" awful. See this is where the kid dons the hair, hawaiin shirt, and the rest of the outfit and becomes Ace Ventura JR. I can't even tell you how bad this is. The kid tries so fucking hard to be Jim Carrey that no amount of hands in the world can slap him as much as he needs. The director must have constantly been telling him "Not wacky enough. You have to be so wacky people will want to kill themselves and everyone around them". It worked. I killed 68 people by the time this thing was over.

The trailer for this is on Youtube and it will give you a better idea of how awful this part of the movie is. The one-liners are pathetic, the jokes are baffling they're so bad, and they're so old a baby still in the womb would go "I've heard that one". Plus half of the jokes don't even make sense! For example:

1)There is a girl's swim team where they all wear matching uniforms. Fuckface (that's my new name for Ace JR) sees them and proclaims something like "Holy mauve monday!" That may not be the exact line, but basically he acknowledges they all have the same colour on. Awful, but it gets worse. His next line is "You guys look like a box of crayons." ......what did you just fucking say?

Now I once owned a box of crayons...and it contained many colours. It wasn't the same colour crayon over and over. So the kid acknowledges they are all the same colour, then somehow refers to them as a wide variety of colours?! ....are.....you.....FUCKING WITH ME?! *eats a squirrel*


2)In the same scene no less, Fuckface's dog shows up and he sics them on the swim team. The dog kinda runs at them and they all fall backwards into the pool. Before they fall, Fuckface yells "YOU....ARE....SPARTA!" Did they even see the movie 300?! Or did they just go "There's a line about being sparta or some shit, put that in our script".


3)Every now and then there will just be a fart sound. No character acknowledges it, it doesn't fit into the scene, it just happens. There is just suddenly a fart sound. This happens 3 times that I can remember. I figure it was the editor just saying "fuck this movie!" Or maybe those genius writers were at it again. "Kids think farts are funny, we need more farts. Doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense give me more fucking farts!!" This was another instance where I kept rewinding the film to make sure I heard what I thought I did.

I could go on but I think I made my point. Every joke in this movie either makes no sense, is decades too late (there is a "You can't handle the truth" reference in there which kids won't get and adults will hate) or makes you cringe hearing it. I was embarrased for the people in this movie just watching it.

I touched on it earlier but I feel I need to mention the pandas again. They are so bad...I mean child's halloween costume bad. How did nobody on the crew see these things and go "maybe don't get a shot of this in the daylight...or at all"? Why even show them when they look so laughably horrible?! You can tell us there is a panda there, we'll believe you. You don't really have to show it to us.

This is easily the longest review I've written ever and it could go on. Hell I bet I will add more to it in the coming days as I think of more to write. I would actually recommend people check this out because you haven't seen awful until you've seen this. I knew it would be terrible, but nothing could have ever prepared me for what I got.

- one fucking billion /10

Doubt

This year I have seen more of the Oscar nominees than any other. I was only missing a few of the big ones and this was one of them. I've gone into many of the Oscar movies knowing almost nothing about the plot and this was another like that. I found it helped because I really didn't know where this one was going for a while. It's not the best of the Oscar movies (which I feel is the Wrestler) but it's a solid drama. I'm starting to think I use the word 'solid' way too much, may have to work on that.

The movie is based off a play and you can really tell. There are only a few sets and many scenes last between 10-15 minutes. The plot is very simple as well. I don't want to spoil anything here since like I said, it's better to go into things blind. It's nothing terribly original, but it's done well.

This type of movie really lives or dies by two things: the dialogue and the performances. The dialogue is for the most part good. For a movie that is usually just 2 or 3 people talking in a room for long periods of time, you are never bored. The movie isn't terribly long either and moves quite quickly. Things never drag. That doesn't have anything to do with the dialogue really, but the movie is well written. However there are a few cheesy lines here and there, and I did the final line of the movie to be almost eye-roll worthy.

The real strength here comes from the performances. Several of the actors in this movie are nominated for academy awards and it's not hard to see why. Meryl Streep is fantastic as usual and she keeps making her way into the movies I'm watching recently it seems. Amy Adams is great and somehow more attractive as a nun. I didn't think she could get more attractive. Maybe because it's more of a challenge if she's a nun? I'm not sure. The real highlight for me though was Philip Seymour Hoffman. I mean the man is great in just about everything he does but here he really shines and someone manages to be the standout in a sea of amazing performances.

I very much enjoyed Doubt but it's near the bottom of the Oscar pile for me. It's a good watch but not something I will be watching again I don't think. The script is good (with some corny-ish moments scattered here and there), the pace is fast and the performances are great. If anyone else were playing these roles it would be probably a mediocre film, but it's worth watching it for the actors alone.

7.5/10

Inkheart

It seemed like for a while there Brendan Fraser didn't get a whole lot to do. He was a pretty big star and then he just faded away. Of course while he was gone I don't think a single person said "Damn I miss Brendan Fraser." But if anyone did they must have been in heaven this past while because we were treated to not just one, not even just two...but three Brendan Fraser adventures in like 6 months.

First we had Journey to the Centre of the Earth whose only redeeming quality was that it was smart enough to put itself in 3D. Otherwise it would have been almost unwatchable. Then we got The Mummy Curse of the Dragon Emperor, a movie that somehow managed to take yeti's, Jet Li, three-headed dragons, and Jet Li as a three-headed dragon...and make a terrible movie with them. I didn't even know that could be done!!! I read in a textbook that those elements combine to make the ultimate equation of success and awesomeness.

Now to round out this Brendan Fraser resurgence, we have Inkheart. I'm pretty sure it's based on a series of books but I'm honestly too lazy to even open another browser window to go and check that one. Someone will tell me in the comments section if it is. The trailers for this movie did nothing for me and to be honest, neither did the movie. I do think it was the best of the ones I've mentioned here already, but it's still a very mediocre movie.

First off I just couldn't get into the whole premise of reading the book aloud and it coming true. It just seemed...silly. Plus what is to stop you from writing "I fell in a bucket of gold and then had sex with 20 mermaids" on a piece of paper, reading it, and becoming the happiest man alive? Maybe that was explained at some point, I occasionally would blank out.

The movie was a lot slower than I thought it would be too. I think I was expecting another Brendan Fraser goofy over the top stupid adventure romp. I believe some of the TV spots played up that angle a bit more too. However the movie itself is more focused on the characters and the story. That's rarely a bad thing, but here I just wasn't invested in any of that. There is some action in there, and the last bit of the movie is actually pretty cool, but I actually found the whole thing a little dull.

It's not a bad movie, and I think a lot of the problem is that I was expecting something different. Maybe a second viewing would help, but that will never exist so I guess we'll never know for sure. It's the best of the recent Fraser stuff though, and for a kid's movie it has the balls to never talk down to them, which I always welcome. Overall though, it was very middle of the road, just barely making it above average.

5.5/10

Lethal Weapon 3

As fun as it was watching these movies one after another, I'm getting pretty damn tired of talking about them here. Thankfully I have taken a break between the 3rd and 4th installments so I can go a little while without talking Lethal Weapon.

Basically everything I have said about this series up until this point still applies. I would have to say though that this is the weakest Lethal Weapon. We'll see if that still applies when I watch 4 again, but right now I would put this one at the bottom of the pile. That makes it sound like it's a bad movie and it really isn't. In fact it's a good one, just not as good as the last two were.

You can pretty much just down a checklist now of the series and everything it contains.

[x] Some solid action sequences
[x] Some awesome moments where Mel Gibson acts all fucked up
[x] Some surprisingly well developed villains (although not as much in this one sadly)
[x] Some points where you want to punch Joe Pesci
[x] Some good chemistry between all of the cast (there is a lot of it, I just needed to keep the 'some' thing going)

By this point there was a steady formula to these movies. Glover is too old for this shit, Gibson likes the Three Stooges, etc. We've seen it before, but it hasn't gotten stale. The main reason it probably feels stale to begin with is because I watched all of these movies in like a day. Originally they were spaced years apart so I'm sure that made a huge difference.

Lethal Weapon 3 is another solid movie, but the weakest of the bunch.

7/10

Lethal Weapon 2

After the first movie ended I immediately fired this one up. My brother has been raving about this movie for years and I had always meant to watch it, I just never had. Well the day has finally come and this is another really solid movie that I would put above the previous installment.

For starter's the movie starts to being a little more comedy into the mix. There are definitely some serious moments here, but the tone is generally a lot lighter than the first movie. This one even brings in the use of one-liners. They are all pretty corny, but at the same they are all pretty awesome. How can you not smile when Danny Glover kills 2 guys with a nail gun and then in all seriousness proclaims "Nailed 'em both." The answer is, you can't not smile. Unless you don't have a face, that is the only situation where that may happen.

The action is also kicked up a notch in this one, with the movie opening right in the middle of a car chase. It follows the basic action movie rule that more than 20 minutes should never go by without some sort of fight scene or action scene of some sort. It's a good rule to go by and it's put to good use here.

The chemistry between Gibson and Glover is even better here with the two playing off each together wonderfully. Gibson's character is still pretty crazy and he has a couple of great moments where he fucking loses it. He's so much fun to watch that the whole movie could just be Gibson freaking out about shit and I would be completely into it. Joe Pesci's character is introduced I suppose to add some more comedic relief to the whole thing but his character is best in small doses and the movie gives us just a bit too much of him I felt. It doesn't ruin things too much but I did get a little irritated by his character as the movie went on.

I miss the days when action movies would put some actual effort into developing their villains. Usually these days the villains only get a few scenes and you never really care about their plan or really anything they are up to. Back in the Die Hard days they actually gave a shit, and Lethal Weapon 2 is another good example of that. The villains in this movie make you want to spit in your TV they make you so angry. They're so arrogant and smug that no matter what happens to them it doesn't seem like it's enough. It does lead to some great one liners though.

Lethal Weapon 2 is a great follow-up to the first one, and as I said earlier, a superior one at that. It makes me a little mad that I didn't watch these movies sooner.

8/10

Lethal Weapon

I vowed that 2009 would be the year I finally went back and started watching all these movies it feels like I should have already seen. The Lethal Weapon series was high on that list. I had only ever seen Part 4 so I was pretty excited to see what all the hype was about.

It was kind of strange because as this movie went on it really felt like I had seen it before just because so many other things have referenced this movie. If anything it made me really want to re-watch Loaded Weapon 1. Now I'll finally get all of the jokes!

I can see where these movies get their reputation. The first Lethal Weapon is pretty damn good. It has a decent story, some solid action, and the chemistry between Mel Gibson and Danny Glover started out fantastic right from the very beginning.

Having only seen the fourth movie, it was strange to see how different the tone of the first one was. The fourth movie was more a comedy than anything, but the first one is more a straight up action movie with more drama than comedy. Mel Gibson's character is suicidal and pretty much insane, a pretty huge difference from where he ended up later in the series. There is some good comedy here, but it takes the backseat to the action and drama.

That being said, I really liked Gibson's character in this movie, as well as the other earlier ones. He's just so fucking insane that he's awesome to watch. His eyes are wide and terrifying and you never know what he is going to do next. Glover's character is good too and as I said, the chemistry between them is great.

Lethal Weapon 1 is a good movie, that's about all I can say really. It's full of the usual cop movie cliches but the odd thing is, back when the movie came out these weren't even really cliches yet. So you can't even fault the movie too much for that.

7.5/10 

Total Recall

I hadn't seen this movie since I was maybe 10 or 11 but this is the apparently the year of re-watching movies I haven't seen in forever. It's always great when they hold up and this one really does. In fact it's even better than I remember it being. It could be that I can now understand the story better since for an Arnold movie, it's surprisingly complex. 

The movie is based on a short story by Philip K. Dick as are many great science fiction movies such as Minority Report. In fact I think the original name for Minority Report was supposed to be Total Recall 2. Imagine for a second if Arnold had starred in that movie instead of Tom Cruise? Actually that could have been pretty awesome. Picture him saying the line "everybody runs." How badass was that? Now I'm angry, that movie could have been even better than it was, and it was already fantastic. 

Anyway we're not talking about what would could have been, we're talking about what is. Total Recall is a really good movie. It's action packed and features some classic Arnold one liners ("Consider that a divorce" being my personal favourite). It's also violent as all hell and has a woman with three boobs. What kind of mad genius came up with this shit?!

I've already touched a little on the story but it's worth mentioning again. Most Arnold movie plots consist of little more than "I have to kill a lot of people." Don't get me wrong that happens a lot here. In fact the body count is apparently the 2nd highest in any of his movies, right after Commando of course. But there is a lot more going on here. This is one of those movies you can actually interpret any way you want. Is it a dream, is it reality? You can actually have discussions about this movie, in depth ones at that. The most in depth conversation you can have about Eraser is "how awesome was it when he fucking killed that crocodile?!" So that's pretty cool.

Almost 20 years later this is a very good movie that I enjoyed more now than I did back then. It's a great sci-fi movie, a great action movie, and a great Arnold movie. In case you haven't guessed by now, I refuse to keep typing out his last name.

I also watched the DVD extras on this one. Most of it is usual documentary stuff but there is some good information in there. The commentary was the highlight, featuring the director Paul Verrhoven and Arnold. It's a decent commentary, but it has some unintentionally funny moments. Paul keeps trying to give us actual information, while Arnold will keep interrupting him so he can tell us what is going on in the movie. For example...

Paul: "This scene was difficult to shoot because the lighting was..."

Arnold: "Yes this is the scene where I kill all those guys with the guns and the shooting and the Mars and all that."

Rinse and repeat. It's good for a laugh but it's not all that informative for the most part.

Movie - 8/10

DVD Extras - 6.5/10

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

Ah the first Friday the 13th movie I ever saw. That alone means this one holds a whole lot of memories for me. I hadn't seen it in a few years but since I'm on this huge Friday the 13th kick right now, it seemed like the perfect time to give it another watch.

I'm actually thinking about starting up some video reviews on Youtube and the Friday the 13th movies are planned as some of the first ones I'm going to tackle. Talking about it here in print just doesn't seem to be enough. Why? Because this movie is just pure fucked up awesomeness and the written word can't do it enough justice.

I can't review this movie as a normal movie watcher, I see it through the eyes of a Friday the 13th nut and as a result, I love it. This is around the time the series had Jason as an indestructable zombie, just the way I like him. It's when the movies started to embrace how ridiculous they were and just started to go with it.

The sense of humour in Jason Lives is great. Jason does this thing where he cocks his head like a dog and it just makes you want to give him a hug. The poor thing just doesn't understand. It even opens with a parody of the James Bond movie opening with Jason walking in and slashing a machete instead of shooting a gun.

The kills are pretty great and also very creative. There are some cheap effects like when you can see the rubber knife shaking around once it's stuck in the dude's head, but that just makes the movie even more endearing.

Nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about so I'm going to stop here. Seriously everyone, go check these movies out. If I ever do decide to start reviewing these things on Youtube make sure to check them out because they are going to be epic.

8/10

The River Wild

This was the second movie in our Meryl Streep double bill. It was very fitting to go from a serious drama about the death of a baby to a pretty goofy thriller about Kevin Bacon wanting to get down some rapids. I hadn't seen this movie since it first came out back in 1994 so I was curious to see how it held up. It turns out, surprisingly well.

Kevin Bacon is a personal favourite of mine and I personally feel a very underrated actor. The man can even make a mediocre movie more enjoyable. It's fun to see him playing such an asshole here, although even when he plays a good guy, you can't help but feel like he's up to something. Even in My Dog Skip I kept waiting for him to eat that dog. There's just something about the guy, but I love him and he is great here.

Meryl is of course great as well, with a role that is a lot more down to earth than the one in A Cry in the Dark. However if you pay close attention to her arms, she is fucking ripped in this movie. She clearly got extremely into shape for this movie and it really shows. I don't know how Kevin Bacon isn't terrified by the mere sight of these arms. It's also pretty cool to see a younger John C. Reilly in this movie. Overall a very solid cast.

The movie starts out a lot slower than I remember, taking over half of the film before the plot really kicks in and the bad guys are revealed. I mean we already know Kevin Bacon is bad, not just because all the plot outlines told us, but because it's fucking Kevin Bacon. Streep should have known the second she laid eyes on him he was trouble, and then she should have torn him in half with her beefy monster arms. 

However even though things get off to a slow start, the movie is never boring. Plus once they actually start hitting up the rapids, it's pretty awesome. The whole thing could have been a big green screen mess (and I'm sure it would be if the movie were to be released today) but it looks great. You can clearly tell they actually put some people out in those rapids, and in many shots it's the real actors. It really adds a lot to the movie and makes the whole thing much more exciting.

That's about all I have to say about this one. It's a fun thriller and one that holds up surprisingly well even after 15 years.

7/10

A Cry in the Dark

It's sort of cool to see where the whole "the dingo ate my baby" thing came from. You sort of forget that it's actually based on a true story. And here is the movie based on that true story, a movie I have been watching for several months now.

The movie stars Meryl Streep and she is definitely the highlight here. My god the woman is good. She does such a great job with the Australian accent you honestly forget she isn't really Australian. It's pretty damn impressive. It's no wonder she was nominated for her performance, and even though I don't know who she was up against, she damn well should have won. Great stuff. Sam Neill is also great as her husband, and you can see the fear in his eyes that soon enough, he is going to have to take on dinosaurs.

I love me a good courtroom drama and this one is a pretty solid one, but not one of the best either. It helped that I had no idea how the true story turned out so I was interested in seeing what happened in the end. I did find the movie a little long and it had some slow parts, but it was overall pretty engaging.

I think the problem is that after 2 decades of baby eating dingo jokes, it's almost funny whenever a character starts yelling about "the dingo ate my baby!" It's a horrible incident obviously, but it's just so hard not to laugh at that now. There's another scene I found very funny (even though I'm sure I wasn't supposed to) where two characters are fighting about the trail and one of them gets really fired up, yelling "THE DINGO IS A MAJESTIC CREATURE! HOW DARE THAT BITCH!!!" This man is more passionate about dingos than anyone has ever been about anything. He even fucking punches the other guy, that's how enraged he is. I can't even imagine loving dingos enough to hit a guy over it.

This movie is a pretty good watch with some great performances and an entertaining story. I would check it out. Although it's also known as "Evil Angels" for whatever fucking reason, so like me, you may have some trouble tracking it down.

7/10

Hotel for Dogs

Hotel for Dogs is one of those strange movies that seems to want to exist in reality, but at the same time is so insane there is no way this could take place in anything close to resembling real life. The events in this movie are about as likely to happen as Lord of the Rings.

The main kids in this movie are smarter than any human who has ever lived. Some of the contraptions in this movie would put renowned architects to shame. To say they do it with apparently no materials or money at their disposal makes it that much more amazing. I think even scientists would look at this movie and go "what the fuck? that can't exist!" I know it's a kid's movie so this sort of argument shouldn't apply, but it's just too ridiculous for a movie that seems to want to be at least somewhat grounded in reality.

Also in real life are dog catchers really such sadistic assholes? Would they actually take a dog out of a child's arms, wave the dog in front of them and taunt them about how they are going to take the dog away and kill them? They can't really be like that can they? The devil himself would look at those actions and go "Harsh man, harsh."

The acting is pretty good in this movie, with even a surprising appearance by Don Cheadle, who actually doesn't phone his performance in. The Lisa Kudrow/Kevin Dillon characters are pretty annoying, but thankfully we don't have to put up with them very much. 

The movie is of course all about the dogs and they are pretty damn cute, there's no denying that. The beagle deserved a lot more screen time however. We all know they are the cutest dogs ever, so what the hell?

As far as kids movies go, this one isn't bad. Sure the kids are way too smart, the villains too evil and if these events really took place then a lot of fucking people would be going to jail, but it's decent entertainment and better than a lot of what is being peddled to kids these days. It's worth at the very least a rental.

5.5/10

Jay and Silent Bob Do Degrassi

It's a pretty random one, but I watched it and well, it deserves at least a quick write-up. Probably a very quick write-up because I can't really think of a damn thing to say about this one. It's a 3 episode story arc from Degrassi The Next Generation that also happens to star Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes as themselves.

If you're a fan of Degrassi then I'm sure you've already seen these episodes before and know all about them. If you're not a fan of Degrassi, then I want you to immediately stop reading this blog, shut the computer off, go into the closet, and just never leave. I don't you want you wandering around out there, it's too dangerous.

If you can't tell, I'm a Degrassi fan. How could you not be? It deals with "da issuez". And yes that's how you have to spell it. Other shows may try to deal with da issuez, but they hardly ever succeed. This one is the ultimate issuez show. 

These 3 episodes don't represent the best of what the series has to offer, and taken out of context of the rest of the show they often don't make a lot of sense, but they're entertaining and Kevin and Jason are both quite funny. The idea of putting Kevin into the show does seem a little forced, but it doesn't come off as nearly as corny as it easily could have.

It's the extras where this thing really shines. To go from a teen Canadian melodrama, to a bunch of bonus features full of language and sex stuff, is pretty insane. The commentaries are really funny and some of the interview clips are actually pretty insightful. The bonus features are absolutely worth the price of the DVD alone.

Movie - 7/10

Bonus Features - 8/10

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

The Underworld series has never really been for me. Aside from the undeniable appeal of Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather outfit, I haven't gotten a whole lot out of the series. The idea of a prequel was nothing to get excited about and after watching it, well my opinion hasn't really changed either.

Rhona Mitra takes over as the lead girl in this one, although she is made up to look as much like Beckinsale as possible. After this and Doomsday, Mitra better be careful because she is going to just become the next Milla Jovovich and play the exact same role over and over again. She does fine in the role, but we've seen her do the same thing before. Bill Nighy is quite good as the villian, and it's weird to see Martin Sheen go from David Frost to werewolf, but the man can act so it's ok.

I'll admit I struggled to keep giving this movie my attention. It wasn't easy. The movie was doing very little to hold my focus and I found myself just staring at a glass of milk for minutes on end. It had just as much of a story to tell me though.

There really didn't seem to be a whole lot going on in this movie. We know the Lycans are going to rise, it's just watching it happen which isn't all that interested. There are some effective scenes here and there and the action is done well enough, but none of it was engaging enough to take this movie above levels of mediocrity.

The movie definitely looks great, something that can be said of all the Underworld movies. Everything has this blue overtone and the costumes, sets, and cinematography are all nice to look at. It's just too bad more interesting things couldn't be happening with all of those things.

It's not a bad movie, it's just average. I wouldn't call it boring, but at the same time I was never invested in anything that was going on. I just don't think Underworld has a whole lot more story to tell and this movie kind of proves it. At least we get another bizarre trilogy. Thanks 2009!

5/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

Seriously who comes into this movie expecting genius filmmaking?! I've read so many people commenting that it's nothing but stupid people saying stupid things and then getting killed. Well....YEA! This movie is called "Friday the 13th"! Not "A Friday the 13th Dinner at Reginald's" or some shit! It's not high art, it's just pure fun! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So anyway now that that's out of my system let's move on to the actual movie. We've established I'm biased towards these movies so it's pretty obvious what my thoughts are going to be. This movie is exactly what I wanted it to be. As I mentioned there is no real story, the dialogue is quite awful, and none of the characters are even slightly developed. But nobody cares about that right? 

All anyone wants to know is, does Jason fuck shit up? Oh yes, Jason gives shit a thorough fucking. If at any point you see shit that doesn't appear to be getting fucked, chances are seconds later Jason will show up to give that shit it's fuck. And so concludes the strangest paragraph I've ever written.

In less creepy words, if you're looking for 90 minutes of brutal murders and pure badass-ness, you won't be disappointed. Some of the deaths are a little bit of a letdown but some are fantastic. It was a great crowd too, applauding after every single one of them. 

Derek Mears makes a great Jason and really brings a lot to a role that really requires a lot more than most people probably think. His Jason is threatening in ways Jason hasn't really been up until this point. He not only runs, he full on sprints after victims. And he's pissed, oh lord is he ever pissed in this one. Plus he even just strikes badass poses when nobody is looking, just cuz he knows he can.

The characters are all completely one dimensional but there are little more than slabs of meat waiting to be murdered, so who cares. It makes it even more exciting though because you pretty much cant wait for them to get it in the worst way possible.

That's basically all you need to know about this movie. Fans of the series should enjoy it for sure. It doesn't do much differently from the other movies, but it's damn, DAMN, entertaining. I loved the hell out of it and personally can't wait for the inevitable sequel, which will be the 13th movie for the record. Now that shit is going to be epic.

8.5/10

On a side note, the couple in front of us talked to each other non-stop during the whole movie. There is only so much they could have been saying that was related to the movie, so what the hell were they talking about the rest of the time?! "Hey a cabin. Remember that time we saw that cabin? If we ever bought a cabin, I'd want to have a deer head on the wall. Ever eaten deer? Snowmobiling is fun." I seriously should have just asked them because it's driving me insane wondering.

Pink Panther 2

There is no way other way to say it folks...Steve Martin hates comedy. He didn't use to. The man used to be able to crank out all kinds of funny. Maybe he just forgot how? No paycheck in the world is big enough to make a man unleash this garbage on the world so I won't accept money as the reason.

Pink Panther 2 is where comedy comes to not only die, but most likely get raped first too. Pink Panther 2 rapes and murders comedy. You can slap that quote right on the poster. It might actually make people go and see it. Actually we really don't want that to happen because nobody should have to suffer through this. If I heard mass murderers were being forced to watch this movie I would immediatly be outraged at this cruel treatment.

The movie does not have a single worthwhile second in it. Ok there is actually one sort of funny line but it's in the last 5 minutes of the movie. You have to suffer through 98% of the movie before you get an almost decent line. The rest is so bad you almost can't believe you're seeing it. It's incredible. It's like some horrible illusion that won't go away.

I have nothing against slapstick humour. A good person falling down joke if done right can be comedic gold. This one has about 1000 fall down jokes, not one of them well done. They are all so forced and awkward. I seriously can't believe that anyone working on this movie at any point could have believed they were making something funny.

The amount of talent this movie attracted is almost sickening. Steve Martin doesn't really count anymore but Alfred Molina, Andy Gracia, Jeremy Irons. And Jean Reno what are you doing back?! You were the Professional man!

This is easily the worst movie I have seen this year so far. Even worse than Bride Wars which I never saw coming. At least this movie isn't doing well so at least we should be spared a Pink Panther 3. As for Steve Martin, I don't know what happened there. Unless maybe Hollywood has switched out the real Steve for some sort of humourless mutant. If that is the case then at some point he's going to have to mate like in Species and at that point....I think we're all in big trouble.

2.5/10 (that one line was pretty funny)

Friday the 13th (1980)

I recently re-watched the original Friday the 13th because I picked it up on blu-ray. As I've mentioned I love the Friday movies and honestly can't wait until later tonight where I get to see the new one. I won't be this excited for my first child to be born. This way it was kind of cool to see just how far the series has come since the original was released almost 30 years ago.

The first Friday was never my favourite. I was a bigger fan of the later, more ridiculous ones where Jason was basically this unstoppable zombie killing machine. Those ones are awesome. The first is still a good movie though, and is actually the most grounded of all of them. This is before everything went bat-shit crazy and Jason was punching off people's heads. I just find it a little on the slow side and it doesn't hold up too well today.

The most interesting thing about this movie for me was knowing how controversial it was when it was first released. People protested it and called it the most sick and offensive thing ever created. First off, even then these people must have never seen a single movie, TV show, book or object in their entire lives if they thought this was the most offensive creation of all time. If they released this movie now , it would get a PG-13 rating probably pretty easily. It's nothing. Saw has shown us shit that makes Friday the 13th look like a god damn picnic with unicorns.

Imagine if the Saw movies had come out back in 1980? If audiences thought Friday the 13th was so vile and disgusting, what would Saw have done to them? I guess their faces would have just melted off. That's the only way they could have dealt with it I would imagine.

I will say this though, the blu-ray of this movie looks and sounds incredible. The picture quality makes the movie look brand new, and the sound was one of the best experiences I've had since getting my surround sound system. This is a must buy for anyone who has a blu-ray player and is a fan of the movie.

Although it's not my favourite of the series, I still like this movie and have to respect it because it laid the groundwork for all of the future ones.

7/10

Feast 3: The Happy Finish

Here's another trilogy that I can't believe actually exists. The first Feast was fun, but it didn't need one sequel let alone two within a couple of months. There is barely enough story to justify one movie, let alone 3. That's never more apparent than it is in this movie. They must have just been obligated to make this one and the 2nd at the same time, but this movie really felt as if the filmmakers just went "fuck it" and completely gave up.

I liked the first movie, and managed to get a little enjoyment out of the 2nd, but I think it was only because I was watching it on Christmas Eve. The 3rd one mostly just bored me and I ended up fast forwarding through some pretty big chunks of it because I just really didn't care. Even at 70 minutes the movie tends to drag. 

I remember the 2nd movie I felt went too far with the gross out humour. It felt like they were trying way too hard and none of it really came off as funny, just desperate. This one takes that even further. Want an example? Of course you do. Within minutes of the movie starting, one of the creatures severs a woman's head, eats it, and then shits it out. We even get to see a close-up of every single one of these acts. Close-ups that last a really long time in some cases. Hooray?

The gore is still a-plenty but its all run its course by this point. It's not shocking at all. The movie is just trying so hard to shock you that you just want to pat it on the head, tell it nice try, and then tell it to fuck off and leave you alone. 

This movie may contain the stupidest ending I've ever seen. Top 10 for sure. They were obviously going for one of those moments that's so random it's hilarious, but in this case it's so random its rage inducing. To put it bluntly, with this ending the crew basically is saying a huge fuck you to the fans of the Feast movies. It's not funny, it's insulting. It's a giant middle finger to anyone who has watched all the movies up until this point. I piss on you Feast crew, I piss on your faces.

Even the die hard Feast fans (that means you guys who made Feast) shouldn't bother with this one. It's a weak ending to a pretty stupid series of movies. I wouldn't be at all surprised though if Feast 4 was on it's way down the pipe. So coming Winter 2009, Feast IV: Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck you

3.5/10

The Uninvited

The Uninvited is one of those movies that provides decent entertainment, never bores you, but then when it's over you just shrug your shoulders and move on with your life. You never give the movie a second thought. Maybe a second, but certainly never a third. My second thought was how the ending kind of angered me, so it's not like I was remembering the movie in a positive way anyway.

...Yea I don't have much to say about this one. It's based on the Japanese horror movie A Tale of Two Sisters, which I have not seen. I've heard it is quite a bit different from this movie however. This one didn't really make me want to actively seek the original out, but I'm still curious.

As a PG-13 horror movie this one does do a better job than most. There's no lame gore cover-ups like in Prom Night, or pointless jump scares like in Prom Night, or horrible acting and stupid characters like in Prom Night. Overall the movie doesn't make you want to burn the theatre down, like Prom Night. 

The jump scares actually make sense and there are some genuinely freaky moments in this too. It does suffer a little too much from creepy kid syndrome, with a lot of the scary moments focused on little kids looking...well, creepy. It's becoming a bit too common with horror movies and I think we need a couple years off from these damn kids. 

Speaking of creepy kids, whatever happened to that kid who was in every movie ever for like 2 years straight? Godsend, X-men 3, Ultraviolet, Running Scared, Thank you for Smoking...I mean he was in everything? He had cold dead eyes. I don't really miss him much.

I think that's about all I have to say about The Uninvited. Don't bother seeing it in theatres, it's not quite worth it. Is it worth a rental? Eh, if you have enough points to get a free rental then sure. It's a decent watch and holds your interest, but it's a very middle of the road movie.

6/10

The Karate Kid Part 2

I wanted to watch this immediately after the first one, but pale ghost kids and rapping 80's teenagers got in the way. It could have been a good thing because following the first one, this movie pales in comparison.

On it's own, this movie is ok. It's just such a drop in quality after the first movie. This one follows Daniel and Miyagi as they venture off to Okinawa when Miyagi gets a letter saying his father is very sick. I may have missed the part when Daniel's mom said it was ok for her son to fly off to Japan for a couple of months with an elderly man who fixes toilets in their building. Maybe that sort of thing happened all the time back then. 

After the first 10 minutes, the movie has very little to do with the first one. There are a couple of cool training sequences (one that actually doesn't go anywhere even though it looks like it should come back into play at some point) but the focus is taken away from the karate in this one. Instead it becomes more of a love story. 

The problem here, is that I really don't care about any of these characters getting together. Good first movie aside, the character of Daniel is kind of a dick. He has moments where you like him, but for the most part he is actually pretty unlikable. He snaps at people for no reason and he's just sort of an asshole. In the first movie I really didn't care about whether he got together with the girl. I just wanted to see him beat everybody up. Had the woman dumped him immediately afterwards, it wouldn't have phased me at all. Same goes for this movie. I just don't care if he ends up with the girl, why isn't he beating anybody up?!

There is a fight but it comes right at the end and it's sort of a nice surprise since it really looks like there will be big fight at all. This ruins the build-up though. In the first movie you knew there was a fight coming and you were amped. In this one the fight just sort of shows up out of nowhere. It's all just a little anti-climatic. Imagine if in Rocky the whole movie focused on Rocky and Adrien and then all of a sudden Rocky just got into a boxing match. Wouldn't have the same effect would it?

It's better than many sequels, especially from that time period, but it has nothing on the first one. If taken on it's own though, it's decent entertainment.

6/10

Teen Witch

Remember if my review of Karate Kid when I talked about how it didn't fall victim to the 80's movie trap? Of course you do loyal followers, you probably have all of these reviews memorized. How silly of me. Anyway, here is a movie that managed to do the exact opposite and is so absolutely 80's that's almost sickening.

Before I even continue, if you haven't seen the Top That clip from this movie go to YouTube and watch it immediatly. Go on, I'll even wait for you to get back.
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Wasn't that the fucking silliest most awesome thing you've ever seen?!

Sadly nothing else in this movie "tops that". That scene is hands down one of the most ridiculous things I've ever witnessed in life. Seriously, during filming how did not one crew member step forward and say "um this is the stupidest fucking thing ever. maybe this shouldn't happen." Is that what teens did in the 80's? Maybe I'm in the wrong here, who knows. Either way, I want to have sex with this scene.

There are some pretty ridiculous things in this movie and the whole thing is so far from reality it's absurd, even for an 80's movie. Most teen movies from the decade were far fetched. In Ferris Bueller, no human could ever do that many things in the span of an afternoon. And why is there a full blown, likely very expensive parade going on in the middle of a workday afternoon?! That's pretty silly, but at no point during that movie did Ferris or Cameron don muscle shirts and goofy pants and rap about topping that. This movies takes 80's-ness to levels I've rarely seen a movie go.

Is it entertaining? Well that depends. Are you with a group of friends with a variety of liquors available? Then yes, it is entertaining. Are you alone looking for a quality movie to watch? No, it is not entertaining. The whole time you will just be wishing there was someone there to make fun of this movie with. It will make the entire thing even more depressing than it already is.

This movie even pulls a Shark in Venice on us and leaves a whole bunch of plot threads loose at the end. When this movie ends, the main girl is: fighting with her best friend, not happy with her newfound magical powers, worshipped by the whole school who has been put under a spell, and generally not very happy. But she gets the guy...so yay? I guess that's all that's supposed to matter in the end. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since the movie also contains a musical number where girls dance around singing about how they like boys. Women should actually be angry with this movie. It really depicts them as shallow, shallow human beings.

If you want to laugh your ass off and enjoy some 80's movie cheese, I offhand can't think of a better one than this one. It actually makes it difficult to rate since the quality depends on your viewing situation, so I'll have to do it like this.

Watching it alone = 4/10

Watching it with friends and tearing it apart = 9/10

Grudge 3

Yes that's right, the Grudge is now a trilogy. A movie that boils down to nothing more than 2 creepy ghosts moving around all jerky, has taken 3 movies to tell its story. It can now join the ranks of other baffling trilogies such as the Pulse movies, the Anaconda movies, and the Boogeyman movies.

The first Grudge I remember being alright in theatres but really loses something on DVD. The second movie I didn't watch for a while until an evening where my choices were either that or sitting still and not doing anything. To this day I regret that choice. The Grudge 3 was watched out of nothing but curiousity and the best compliment I can give it is that well, it's competant.

It's definitely better than Grudge 2, but few things aren't. I saw some street signs this morning that were more entertaining than Grudge 2. Basically so long as this movie didn't make me want to eat the TV, than it was the better movie. And my TV is still there, so it must have been at least ok.

The story is really the same thing we keep seeing movie after movie. Creepy long hair girl pops out of things and usually crawls towards people, and really pale kid looks through peepholes and banister railings at them. That's really it. Even the opening of the movie tells the EXACT same story about people dying in a curse and rage and whatever.

I pretty much hate anything that moves around jerky. Seriously if you walk towards me and move jerky, I will cry for hours. So the girl still kind of freaks me out though. The kid, not so much. Why is he still meowing? I get that the character was drowned along with a cat but...why is he still meowing? Didn't the filmmakers realize that's not scary, it's fucking hilarious. In real life I would burst out laughing, smack the kid, and tell him to stop acting stupid. You might as well just have him make the sound of a lion or a cuckoo clock..actually the second one might be pretty terrifying.

There is more gore in this movie than in either of the two previous Grudge movies, which was a bit strange. This one seems to be going for shock value since it probably knows nobody really cares about creepy bitch and pale kid anymore. There's a brief bit of nudity but I'm pretty sure the girl in the scene was no older than 14. So instead of some campy, fun nudity, you get creepy, pedophile nudity that makes you feel terrible for even seeing it. Thanks Grudge 3!

Like I said, this movie is competently made and a step above the usual direct to DVD stuff. It's not really scary, but I'll say this, the ending actually kind of kicked ass. Check it out if you LOVE the Grudge movies, or are looking to kill 90 minutes with something slightly above average.

5.5/10

The Karate Kid

I have never actually seen this movie. I've heard the references, seen the parodies, own the NES game, but had never seen the movie. I've been really into the retro movies lately so I decided it was finally time to watch this one.

It's always cool to see an 80's movie that isn't just seeped in the decade. There's no over the top ridiculous clothes or catch phrases or anything. We do get some of that cheesy 80's pop rock, but at least it's usually set to a montage which makes it ok. This movie really doesn't get bogged down in all the 80's movies trap though, which gives it much more of a timeless quality. It's a legitimately good movie, not just a piece of early 80's cheese.

Everyone knows the story of this movie, but it's done really well. It's all about the new kid who gets picked on so he gets trained by his building's handyman who also happens to be a karate expert (lucky little bastard, my handyman is just a drunk) and then he gets to go back and kick the shit out of all the bullies. It's pure classic in terms of story line, but it's executed well and you can't help but get caught up in everything.

I've said this before, but it's hard to find a really good villains in movies. You really don't see much of them anymore. Can you even think of any recent movies where you just wanted the bad guys to be beaten to death with a cushion, (you know, so it would take a long time)? I can only think of two, Gran Torino and Changeling, so thanks Clint Eastwood! 

My point here is this movie has some really good villains. It makes you physically angry when you watch the movie because you just despise them so much. It seems like nothing that happens to them is a good enough punishment. Getting beaten in the final tournament is not nearly good enough. Maybe if Daniel-San had won the tournament by stomping on their testicles for 4 straight hours...no, you know what, not good enough. A dinosaur stomping on their testicles, that would maybe be alright.

I really liked this movie and can immediately see why it's considered a classic. It's nice to see a movie from back then that still holds up and could easily work as a modern movie. We even have a remake to look forward to, and by look forward to I mean dread and be confused by. The casting choices alone make me want to weep. Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi? How long did that take to come up with?

"We need an asian actor."

"Jackie Chan?"

"Yep, I think he's the only one there is."

And as the Karate Kid we get that annoying little bastard from The Day The Earth Stood Still remake, aka Will Smith's son aka....Jaden? I can already picture how he will play the character and well folks, I don't like what I see. It will be the exact opposite effect and you will be preying that somehow he loses the tournament, the girl and for good measure, his legs so there can't be a sequel.

This one is really good though so please watch it instead of the remake.

8/10