Even though I'm already in the middle of about 19 other franchises, I decided to start watching the classic Godzilla movies too. The only one I'm really familiar with is the version they did here in the US. I loved that movie as a kid, but not so much now. I was curious to see where the character came from and just why everybody hated that version so much.
This is the American version of the original movie. By that I mean they took a lot of the footage of the Japanese movie, and inserted an American actor into it, Raymond Burr. It actually makes the whole thing really ridiculous since his character essentially narrates the entire movie for us. I guess that was so the audience didn't have to read any subtitles. His character never once seems like he belongs, no matter how hard the movie attempts to incorporate him into everything that's going on. If anything it makes me really curious to see the original version, which is the one I hope to watch next.
Godzilla himself doesn't show up until over the halfway point of the movie, although we do catch glimpses of him up until the point. When he does show, he gets right to work fucking up all sorts of shit. This part of the movie is awesome. There's something so great about watching a guy in a rubber suit destroy what are in many cases, toys. There is one part where he knocks over a fire truck and when it cuts to the close-up it's so clearly just a little toy. It should be stupid, but its just fucking spectacular.
It was neat to see the original Godzilla, back before the entire series went nuts and he just started fighting other creatures and having a son. Frankly though I can't wait to watch those movies. This one was more of an actual movie. Godzilla is the bad guy and all he wants is to step on trains and roar his awesome roar. I look forward to seeing where the series goes from here. This one was pretty good, although the Raymond Burr aspect was pretty stupid, and Godzilla himself takes way too long to show up.
6.5/10, almost purely for the final half of the movie
Saturday, February 28, 2009
3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain
This is the last of the 3 Ninjas movies I have to watch. I didn't bother re-watching the first one since it's still very fresh in my memory. I didn't even see this one when I was younger, so this makes High Noon the first 3 Ninjas movie that I had never seen until now. Apparently even younger me knew this thing was going to suck. Younger me was a smart man.
For the longest time this movie was firmly placed in the Bottom 100 list at the Internet Movie Database. I'm not sure when but it did eventually manage to crawl its way out of there, although its overall rating is still something like a 2/10. After watching it, I'm really not very surprised. I certainly can't say that it's one of the worst movies ever made, but my GOD it sure was terrible. In fact I think this will be the first movie I try to tackle a video review for because simple words just can't do this thing justice.
For starter's this thing features the most random, bizarre cast I have maybe ever seen. Victor Wong as Grandpa is, I believe at least, the only actor returning from the other movies in the franchise. This was also his last movie ever which is just too bad. This was not a good way to go out. He definitely looks a little worse for the wear in this one, and he wisely doesn't have any fight scenes in this one. It makes one wonder why his character is even here, especially because I doubt the 2 fans the series had (both members of the crew) would riot if they didn't include the grandpa character here.
The 3 ninjas themselves have once again been replaced by different actors. This time it's more noticeable than ever. The kid playing Colt....wow I wish I could show you what this bastard looks like. I would love to show you a picture here but after way too long of searching, there doesn't seem to be one to do this guy justice. I'm afraid you're just going to watch the movie. I can tell you that he has a ponytail down to almost his legs, plus almost a mushroom cut on top of that. It's the worst thing I've ever seen and my GOD I wish I could show you a picture here. Nevertheless, you just want this kid to get his ass beat for being so fucking goofy looking.
The villains are led by Burt Reynold's ex-wife Loni Anderson, probably the most unthreatening villain ever featured in any movie ever. One of her henchmen is played by Jim Varney, aka Ernest, playing the second most unthreatening villain in any movie ever. They give a scar to try and fool us into thinking he's a threat, but we're too smart to fall for that. As far as I can tell the villains evil plan is to make rides go faster than they should....BASTARDS!!!!!
The best casting though is Hulk Hogan as TV star Dave Dragon. He is so out of place and random that it's just amazing. Although he does get his ass kicked by Loni Anderson just a few too many times for my liking.
Wow I can't believe I talked about casting for that long. The rest of the movie is expected. There are the usual 3 dumb henchmen, lots of fight scenes that go on for way too fucking long. There is even one fight on top of a roller coaster track because....well why the hell not I guess? That fight ends with what should be the first murder committed by a 3 ninja, but unfortunately the movie pussies out and it doesn't happen. Anyway, let's move on to the traditional "stupid, funny moments" that these movies seem to be so good at.
1)Hulk Hogan's character is taken hostage, along with dozens of other park goers. A little kid asks him if he is going to be a hero, since he plays one on TV. This is understable. The kid is really young and I can see how he would get the actor mixed up with the actor. It's the part after that where a full grown man is shaking his head in disappointment at Hogan. "Fucking TV actor can even save our lives." Hopefully that man died during the ensuing chaos.
2) Right after that, maybe to prove himself to that delusioned man, Hogan decides to save the day by running very slowly, making a huge scene, towards one of the ninjas (who have the place surrounded, all pointing guns at the hostages). At any point during this the ninjas could have gunned down all of the hostages. Anyway they decide to instead let Hogan beat up one of their men, and free all of the hostages. At this point you know the bad guys are all talk and there is no threat. But what if they were? Seriously this was the big plan? And the hostages are even cheering him on!!! Wow...wow.
There are more that I can't remember at the time, all the more motivation to make that video review. This is a terrible movie though, definitely the worst of the 3 Ninjas bunch. It has some laughable moments (including the worst bully any movie has ever portrayed), but other than that, BLAH!
3/10
For the longest time this movie was firmly placed in the Bottom 100 list at the Internet Movie Database. I'm not sure when but it did eventually manage to crawl its way out of there, although its overall rating is still something like a 2/10. After watching it, I'm really not very surprised. I certainly can't say that it's one of the worst movies ever made, but my GOD it sure was terrible. In fact I think this will be the first movie I try to tackle a video review for because simple words just can't do this thing justice.
For starter's this thing features the most random, bizarre cast I have maybe ever seen. Victor Wong as Grandpa is, I believe at least, the only actor returning from the other movies in the franchise. This was also his last movie ever which is just too bad. This was not a good way to go out. He definitely looks a little worse for the wear in this one, and he wisely doesn't have any fight scenes in this one. It makes one wonder why his character is even here, especially because I doubt the 2 fans the series had (both members of the crew) would riot if they didn't include the grandpa character here.
The 3 ninjas themselves have once again been replaced by different actors. This time it's more noticeable than ever. The kid playing Colt....wow I wish I could show you what this bastard looks like. I would love to show you a picture here but after way too long of searching, there doesn't seem to be one to do this guy justice. I'm afraid you're just going to watch the movie. I can tell you that he has a ponytail down to almost his legs, plus almost a mushroom cut on top of that. It's the worst thing I've ever seen and my GOD I wish I could show you a picture here. Nevertheless, you just want this kid to get his ass beat for being so fucking goofy looking.
The villains are led by Burt Reynold's ex-wife Loni Anderson, probably the most unthreatening villain ever featured in any movie ever. One of her henchmen is played by Jim Varney, aka Ernest, playing the second most unthreatening villain in any movie ever. They give a scar to try and fool us into thinking he's a threat, but we're too smart to fall for that. As far as I can tell the villains evil plan is to make rides go faster than they should....BASTARDS!!!!!
The best casting though is Hulk Hogan as TV star Dave Dragon. He is so out of place and random that it's just amazing. Although he does get his ass kicked by Loni Anderson just a few too many times for my liking.
Wow I can't believe I talked about casting for that long. The rest of the movie is expected. There are the usual 3 dumb henchmen, lots of fight scenes that go on for way too fucking long. There is even one fight on top of a roller coaster track because....well why the hell not I guess? That fight ends with what should be the first murder committed by a 3 ninja, but unfortunately the movie pussies out and it doesn't happen. Anyway, let's move on to the traditional "stupid, funny moments" that these movies seem to be so good at.
1)Hulk Hogan's character is taken hostage, along with dozens of other park goers. A little kid asks him if he is going to be a hero, since he plays one on TV. This is understable. The kid is really young and I can see how he would get the actor mixed up with the actor. It's the part after that where a full grown man is shaking his head in disappointment at Hogan. "Fucking TV actor can even save our lives." Hopefully that man died during the ensuing chaos.
2) Right after that, maybe to prove himself to that delusioned man, Hogan decides to save the day by running very slowly, making a huge scene, towards one of the ninjas (who have the place surrounded, all pointing guns at the hostages). At any point during this the ninjas could have gunned down all of the hostages. Anyway they decide to instead let Hogan beat up one of their men, and free all of the hostages. At this point you know the bad guys are all talk and there is no threat. But what if they were? Seriously this was the big plan? And the hostages are even cheering him on!!! Wow...wow.
There are more that I can't remember at the time, all the more motivation to make that video review. This is a terrible movie though, definitely the worst of the 3 Ninjas bunch. It has some laughable moments (including the worst bully any movie has ever portrayed), but other than that, BLAH!
3/10
Mary Shelly's Frankenstein
This was my attempt to complete my Frankenstein through the ages thing that I had going. I watched the original, one from the 70's, and now the one from the 90's to cap everything off. I had never seen this movie, but had never heard great things about it. Again I can't say how closely it stayed true to the novel, because I don't remember the damn thing. I can say that out of the 3 Frankenstein movies I watched, this one is definitely at the bottom of the pile.
A better name for this movie would be "Mary Shelly's Kenneth Branaugh Ego Trip." Unfortunately she never wrote that book. However that's almost exactly what this movie is. I've seen a couple of Branaugh's Shakespere movies and it's almost the exact same thing. It's just "look at me! look at me!" His movies are also very over the top and over dramatic. This one is no exception, except because it's a Frankenstein movie it seems a lot more out of place then it does in say Hamlet.
This at times feels like the high school play version of Frankenstein. The acting isn't bad, but I really don't even know how to describe it. Everyone is trying way too fucking hard. There are even soliloquys in this thing. A fucking lot of them. It all sort of came off as laughable to me.
One thing I really liked about the movie was the monster itself. First off, it's played by Robert De Niro, which is just awesome. Second, he actually looks like he is a bunch of human pieces stitched together. Third, he's fucking badass. This is a completely new take on the monster and I was really into it. In this version he is a lot smarter and actually can talk and think and act like a real person, which makes sense since he essentially is one. Once he finds out how he was born, he goes nuts and vows to get revenge on Dr. Frankenstein for creating him.
I'm not sure if we're supposed to root for the monster or not, but I sure did. Anytime he kills one of those over dramatic human characters I was pumped because I knew that meant they would have to shut the fuck up from now on. If the whole movie had been the monster killing the cast, this would be an easy 9/10.
I wasn't fan of this version of Frankenstein. I don't like what was done with the material and I especially didn't like Kenneth Branaugh, or most of the cast really. I loved the monster though, and him alone made the movie worth watching. Too bad he didn't kill everyone within the first half hour though. Hell he doesn't even show up until almost the halfway point of the film. BOO!
5/10
Push
The first time I saw the trailer for Push it just reminded me of last year's Jumper. Both are essentially 'original' origin stories for superheroes. They both contain pretty well known actors, but nobody that makes you go "holy shit it's so and so!" They both have one word very generic titles. And the most intense reaction you can muster up after watching the trailer for each movie is "eh." I will say that Push is the better movie over Jumper, but it's still pretty eh.
One problem with Push is one that Jumper suffered from as well. The whole thing feels less like a story and more like a set-up. It seems like the writers intend this to be nothing more than an origin story with the real meat of the story coming later. As with Jumper, this movie probably didn't do well enough to justify a sequel so I'm guessing we'll never actually see where this story was going to go. So I guess we're forever going to be stuck with only this part of the story, which is only kind of interesting.
At least the acting is a huge step up from Jumper. It's not really that hard to do considering the star of Jumper was Hayden Christensen, who I don't think has done a movie since so maybe, MAYBE, Hollywood has finally figured out he has no talent. Chris Evans is still a little bland in the lead role, but he's definitely a step-up. It's still a little weird to see a Dakota Fanning who is starting to grow up, but there's no denying she can act and she does well. She may actually be one of those child actors who manages to keep working after they get older. She can now join the ranks of.....Elijah Wood. I guess that's it. Djimon Honsou plays the villain and actually doesn't get a whole lot to do here. He's a good actor though and does well in the role. Then we have Camilla Belle, whose hot.
The story is kind of like the show Heroes, only........well no it's just like the show Heroes. I haven't watched Heroes in a while but it's a safe bet that at least Push is not as fucking goofy as that show was getting. There are some pretty huge plot holes in this thing. One in particular has people all over the Internet struggling to explain it. I think it just didn't make sense. It's not a boring movie though, just not particularly engaging.
The action scenes are surprisingly few and far between. When you do get one it's never that exciting. I will say that Jumper probably did a better job with its action sequences. Push does have a gun fight using telekenetic powers to move all of the guns, I just can't decide if it's the coolest thing I've ever seen, or the fucking stupidest.
Overall Push is very ok. The plot is kind of generic and silly, the action scenes are underwhelming, and the performances are satisfactory. It sounds like I hated the movie but I didn't. It was just average, though as a whole it was better than Jumper. It is a little too bad that we most likely will never see a sequel to this because I wouldn't mind seeing where this story line went, especially because the ending to this movie sort of kicks lots of ass.
6/10
Friday, February 27, 2009
3 Ninjas Knuckle Up
Yes that's right, I subjected myself to another one. The almost exact same story goes for this one as 3 Ninjas Kick Back. Knuckle Up came out in 1995, and I saw it in '95. I may have watched it twice during the rental period because well, I was a stupid child. After that I never saw it again, until now. Yet I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew the dialogue, even the way the lines would be said. It was kind of a terrifying phenomenon.
The first thing about this movie that's nice is that the kids from the original 3 Ninjas movies are back instead of those new ones from Kick Back. Unfortunately that wears off quick when you realize well, these kids aren't that much better than the other ones. They're familiar which is nice, but that doesn't make them any more tolerable.
At this point the formula for these movies was pretty much set in stone. The 3 main characters fight bad guys who frankly shouldn't be allowed to leave the house, there is always 1 main bad guy and 3 henchmen who share one common stereotype and are stupider than any real human being could ever be. This one at least tries to do something different by tackling the subject of corrupt businessman trying to dump toxic waste on native american land. The best solution to this problem of course, is to have 3 10 years old just beat all the businessman up. Just like in real life!
The fights are as stupid as ever. The kids essentially graze their foot on someone and then they fly 50 feet through the god damn air. There are also way too many fights in this one, which seems strange but it's true. Every time a fight comes I imagine you're supposed to be excited. I just rolled my eyes and hammered the fast forward button.
Speaking of the fights, do all of the kids really need to yell out every single fucking time they hit somebody?! It's beyond annoying and once you notice it then it becomes all you can focus on! "EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH! EIYAH!" That word takes up at least 80% of the dialogue in the entire movie. It really makes you want the adult ninjas to win, but to just flat out slice these kids' faces off.
One moment that does stand out as being kind of funny is during a really stupid fight inside a pizza parlour, Colt and Tum Tum (wow I really hate actually typing out their names) have been kicking the shit out of ninjas for about 4 or 5 minutes. They aren't being subtle about it either. Tables are being smashed, shit is being thrown all over the place, people are screaming, it's absolute chaos! Anyway one of the ninjas falls behind Rocky, the third ninja, who has been playing a video game. He seems blown away there is a fight going on. How wrapped up in that game was he? This is the kid beating up dozens of grown adult and yet he isn't perceptive enough to realize there's a full out ninja war going on 2 feet away from him. Wow kid...wow.
I know it's a kid's movie and it's a little unfair of me to judge it but still. This one does hold a little more nostalgic value than Kick Back did, but the movie itself is actually kind of boring, which is the last thing I expected. Not even containing enough stupid moments to make the movie sort of enjoyable, it's really just bad. Decent points for some memories attached to it, but that's about it.
4/10
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed
This movie is part of the Hammer series of Frankenstein movies that I believe all came out during the seventies. This is the fifth in the series, so it was probably not the best place for me to start. Thankfully it doesn't matter because each movie seems to stand on its own.
This series puts a very different spin on the character of Dr. Frankenstein. The focus of the movies is completely on him, and not on his monster. Although by the looks of things, he probably has a different monster in each movie of the series. What's interesting is that they made the character a crazy, sadistic asshole. He is essentially the villain here, which I thought was pretty cool. It was a very different take on things and made it interesting.
The movie itself is surprisingly watchable too. The plot was pretty simple but it was entertaining, interesting and actually had some pretty good suspenseful moments. Coming off of the original 1931 Frankenstein, it was also strange to see a good amount of gore in this movie. A lot of is left to the imagination, but there are a couple of graphic murders here and there to spice things up.
This was the first of the Hammer horror movies I've seen and it was a pretty good introduction to everything. They are a lot more violent and crass it looks like, but I like the spin they put on the classic monster movie. With a title like this, I had very low expecations for this movie, but it surprised me. I look forward to exploring some more of the movies in the Hammer horror movie series.
7/10
This series puts a very different spin on the character of Dr. Frankenstein. The focus of the movies is completely on him, and not on his monster. Although by the looks of things, he probably has a different monster in each movie of the series. What's interesting is that they made the character a crazy, sadistic asshole. He is essentially the villain here, which I thought was pretty cool. It was a very different take on things and made it interesting.
The movie itself is surprisingly watchable too. The plot was pretty simple but it was entertaining, interesting and actually had some pretty good suspenseful moments. Coming off of the original 1931 Frankenstein, it was also strange to see a good amount of gore in this movie. A lot of is left to the imagination, but there are a couple of graphic murders here and there to spice things up.
This was the first of the Hammer horror movies I've seen and it was a pretty good introduction to everything. They are a lot more violent and crass it looks like, but I like the spin they put on the classic monster movie. With a title like this, I had very low expecations for this movie, but it surprised me. I look forward to exploring some more of the movies in the Hammer horror movie series.
7/10
Frankenstein (1931)
It was time for me to check out another one of the classic monster movies, another goal of mine being to watch them all. Frankenstein seemed to be a great place to start. I had read the novel in high school but my memory of it is non-existent. Therefore I can't say how accurate this movie is in adapting the book, but I can say it's a damn solid movie and it's very easy to tell why it's considered a classic.
The thing that struck me the most of this movie is how much of it is iconic. This is the movie that invented the look of Frankenstein that everyone knows to this day. It's what made him a classic monster. On top of that you have the hunchbacked Igor assistant (which I don't think had been featured in a movie before this one), the townspeople rioting with their torches and pitchforks, and just about every other scene in this movie. Every second represents some famous moment that has been recreated in many other forms over the years.
Another thing that surprised me is how damn agile Frankenstein is. I always imagined him as a slow, lumbering figure...arms stretched out in front of him and moving pretty much how a zombie would. Turns out that's not the case at all. This sum bitch can move, and he can fight too. He's actually a really great character and no matter what happens or what he does, you can't help but root for the poor guy/thing.
The movie is very short and moves along at a lightning fast pace. It really is over before you know it. There's not a whole lot more that I can say about it that would be ground-breaking or anything. Everyone knows the story and even if you don't think you do, you will immediately recognize almost all of the imagery in the movie. It was a great movie and I definitely plan on adding it to my DVD collection sometime soon.
8.5/10
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