3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain

This is the last of the 3 Ninjas movies I have to watch. I didn't bother re-watching the first one since it's still very fresh in my memory. I didn't even see this one when I was younger, so this makes High Noon the first 3 Ninjas movie that I had never seen until now. Apparently even younger me knew this thing was going to suck. Younger me was a smart man.

For the longest time this movie was firmly placed in the Bottom 100 list at the Internet Movie Database. I'm not sure when but it did eventually manage to crawl its way out of there, although its overall rating is still something like a 2/10. After watching it, I'm really not very surprised. I certainly can't say that it's one of the worst movies ever made, but my GOD it sure was terrible. In fact I think this will be the first movie I try to tackle a video review for because simple words just can't do this thing justice.

For starter's this thing features the most random, bizarre cast I have maybe ever seen. Victor Wong as Grandpa is, I believe at least, the only actor returning from the other movies in the franchise. This was also his last movie ever which is just too bad. This was not a good way to go out. He definitely looks a little worse for the wear in this one, and he wisely doesn't have any fight scenes in this one. It makes one wonder why his character is even here, especially because I doubt the 2 fans the series had (both members of the crew) would riot if they didn't include the grandpa character here.

The 3 ninjas themselves have once again been replaced by different actors. This time it's more noticeable than ever. The kid playing Colt....wow I wish I could show you what this bastard looks like. I would love to show you a picture here but after way too long of searching, there doesn't seem to be one to do this guy justice. I'm afraid you're just going to watch the movie. I can tell you that he has a ponytail down to almost his legs, plus almost a mushroom cut on top of that. It's the worst thing I've ever seen and my GOD I wish I could show you a picture here. Nevertheless, you just want this kid to get his ass beat for being so fucking goofy looking.

The villains are led by Burt Reynold's ex-wife Loni Anderson, probably the most unthreatening villain ever featured in any movie ever. One of her henchmen is played by Jim Varney, aka Ernest, playing the second most unthreatening villain in any movie ever. They give a scar to try and fool us into thinking he's a threat, but we're too smart to fall for that. As far as I can tell the villains evil plan is to make rides go faster than they should....BASTARDS!!!!!

The best casting though is Hulk Hogan as TV star Dave Dragon. He is so out of place and random that it's just amazing. Although he does get his ass kicked by Loni Anderson just a few too many times for my liking.

Wow I can't believe I talked about casting for that long. The rest of the movie is expected. There are the usual 3 dumb henchmen, lots of fight scenes that go on for way too fucking long. There is even one fight on top of a roller coaster track because....well why the hell not I guess? That fight ends with what should be the first murder committed by a 3 ninja, but unfortunately the movie pussies out and it doesn't happen. Anyway, let's move on to the traditional "stupid, funny moments" that these movies seem to be so good at.

1)Hulk Hogan's character is taken hostage, along with dozens of other park goers. A little kid asks him if he is going to be a hero, since he plays one on TV. This is understable. The kid is really young and I can see how he would get the actor mixed up with the actor. It's the part after that where a full grown man is shaking his head in disappointment at Hogan. "Fucking TV actor can even save our lives." Hopefully that man died during the ensuing chaos.

2) Right after that, maybe to prove himself to that delusioned man, Hogan decides to save the day by running very slowly, making a huge scene, towards one of the ninjas (who have the place surrounded, all pointing guns at the hostages). At any point during this the ninjas could have gunned down all of the hostages. Anyway they decide to instead let Hogan beat up one of their men, and free all of the hostages. At this point you know the bad guys are all talk and there is no threat. But what if they were? Seriously this was the big plan? And the hostages are even cheering him on!!! Wow...wow.

There are more that I can't remember at the time, all the more motivation to make that video review. This is a terrible movie though, definitely the worst of the 3 Ninjas bunch. It has some laughable moments (including the worst bully any movie has ever portrayed), but other than that, BLAH!

3/10