Anaconda 3: The Offspring

It's always pretty cool when you recognize an actor in one of these direct to DVD movies. Even if that actor isn't anyone big, such as this one which features David Hasselhoff. He may not be a huge name, but it's kind of cool that The Hoff took time away from.....lookin' at stuff, in order to be in this movie. He's in it for maybe 15 minutes, but whatever.

If you watch this movie you know exactly what you're getting. Shitty looking snakes that are way too fucking big, eating people too stupid to function. That's what the other 2 Anaconda movies were, that's one this one is. The first Anaconda was stupid, but fun. The second was stupid, and not fun. The third one is stupid, and neither fun nor unfun. It's just sort of there. We laughed a couple of times (never with the movie of course, purely at it) but it's actually kind of boring.

First off the way the snakes get out is ridiculous. Gimli from Lord of the Rings is flashing a light at a caged up snake, while a guy behind him yells "DON'T DO THAT! TURN THE LIGHT OFF!" for about 2 minutes. Gimli listens to no man so he keeps shining the light until the snake figures out that a 10 cm thick pane of glass is no match for him and off he goes. Time for the world's most incompetent team of mercernaries to track that thing down.

Seriously these guys really need to rethink their career choice. They are obviously terrible at being mercernaries. Clowns perhaps? Carnie? Anything but mercernaries. You're shooting at a snake that is 60 feet long!! With machine guns!!!! And there are 7 of you!!!! Why is nobody hitting that fucking thing? You give that gun to a blind old man and chances are he'll get a few shots in but not these guys. There's even one part where two characters are looking at the huge snake for a few seconds before one yells "I see it!" The other guy responds with "Where?!" IT'S THE 60 FOOT SNAKE 2 FEET IN FRONT OF YOU YOU JACKASS!!!

The snakes themselves are pretty awful looking special effects wise, but with this movie you expect it. The budget I'm sure was whatever money they could find on the ground while walking a couple city blocks. They have the weirdest, deadest eyes I've ever seen though. They never move at all and it's really surreal. They also have blades on their tails. "Fuck off Shawn no they don't. Nobody is stupid enough to put something like that in a movie" Oh I could never make that sort of thing up.

Anaconda 3 is good for a couple of unintentional laughs but that's it. It's definitely better than Shark in Venice though, and has some good gory fake looking kills. If you have some friends and some liquor, you could do a lot worse.

4/10