Shark in Venice

I know what you're thinking. With a title like this, how could it not be the absolute greatest movie ever? Or maybe even the greatest thing ever, not just movie? Well, I was just as shocked as you no doubt will be ....but this movie is actually really terrible.

Oh god I don't even know where to even begin with this one. I guess we'll start with the fact that for a movie called Shark in Venice, there is very little shark in venice-ing in the actual movie. The plot is more like somebody tried to combine the Godfather and Indiana Jones, only they used the spare change in their pocket to make the whole thing, and they had never actually seen either of those movies.

The plot is about some buried treasure that the mob is after but theres sharks in the way? Something like that. It could be even stupider than that I'm sure. So most of the movie is people talking on land. Occasionally though they do go diving in the water, where they are usually attacked by some documentary footage of a shark.

Oh yes thats right. Nothing in this movie is real. Every now and then we get to see some exterior shots of Venice that I'm sure were taken from a tourism video. Then we always cut to the actors in a hotel or a car. Clearly not in Venice. 

The movie also stars Stephen Baldwin, who quickly shows us why Alec gets the most work in the family. Poor Stephen is going to get eaten alive at the Baldwin Christmas dinner this year.

Alec "So my sitcom just won 6 more emmys. You catch that Italian shark or whatever the fuck Stephen?"

Stephen (in tears) "It's Shark in Venice! Shark in Venice"

Alec "Shut the fuck up and get me more potatos."

Stephen "Yes sir."

Poor guy. I'd say he deserves better but well, I don't want to lie. The fact that he has 10 times as much screentime as the shark is sickening. The shark's name is the title!!!  It's not called "Stephen Baldwin in Venice" though I still would have watched that movie.

Another odd thing is the ending of the movie. The mafia/treasure situation is resolved...but not the shark one. When the movie ends, we know there is still a shark eating innocent people, but the movie seems to have forgotten. How does that happen?! They really must have had some generic mafia movie and decided "fuck it! bring on the sharks!"

I can't even recommend this one for a so bad it's good viewing. It has a couple of funny moments early on, but trust me the laughter dies very quickly. Then all you are left with is emptiness and sadness.

2/10 (there is indeed a shark in venice...which is worth a point)