Ace Ventura Pet Detective JR

The proper title might actually be "Ace Ventura JR Pet Detective" but it doesn't really matter.

I have seen hundreds, most likely even thousands of movies in my lifetime. Whenever someone asks me what my favourite one is, I usually say either Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I've been saying that so long that I don't even know if it's true or not, it's just what I'm trained to do. It's even harder to answer when someone asks me what the worst movie I've ever seen is. Last year made it easier to say "Well Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie are definitely right up there". But now I finally have a definitive answer. Whenever someone asks me what the worst movie I've ever seen is I can look them dead in the eye and say "Ace Ventura Jr Pet Detective" ...then cry.

It might not actually be the worst movie EVER. It might be the rage of having just watched it. It's easily top 10 though, and probably even top 5. I really don't even know where to begin with this one, so we'll start at the beginning...the very beginning.

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS MOVIE GET MADE?! How did a franchise that nobody has cared about for 15 years suddenly peak enough interest to get a 3rd installment? Did 2009 not give us enough shitty trilogies yet? Did they not remember Son of the Mask, Dumb and Dumberer and Evan Almighty? Seriously what happened here?! Someone actually pitched the idea of doing a movie about Ace Ventura's son, and someone else actually said "oh my fuck yes. take some money and make that." This movie exists! It is an actual thing! I can't begin to imagine how that came to be. The ecomony is in the worst state its been in for decades and this is something that deserved millions of dollars? What is wrong with this planet?!

According to the credits, it took 4 writers to come up with this. 4!!! All of the movies I listed as my favourites needed just one dude to write them, and they were awesome. How did it take 4 people to do this? All they needed to do for a script was write "Kid does terrible Jim Carrey impression, makes people want kill selves" in point form and it would be done. So what did the other 3 people do? Get drunk and berate the person actually writing? Who knows.

For those old enough to remember, think back to when these movies were popular. It's ok if you can't remember, it was a really long time ago. Remember how everyone was doing Ace Ventura impressions? Remember how they were all really terrible? Well this is that....the movie...15 years later....and way worse.

It's actually more of a slow burn then I expected. I figured it would be 90 minutes of a kid doing a bad Jim Carrey impression. When it starts however, the kid is normal. I was shocked. The movie was still awful, but not train wreck awful. It doesn't take long however to realize things are going to get really fucking bad.

You might be wondering how they worked around not having Jim Carrey in the movie. The other Jim Carrey-less sequels have done it. Dumb and Dumberer was a prequel, and the other ones just followed a different character and it didn't really affect the premise. Here though, it's supposed to be his kid so he has to be around right? You really want to know how they worked around it?.............................THEY KILLED HIM OFF! That's right, Ace Ventura is fucking dead! This movie wasn't content being terrible on its own, it had to ruin the old movies too. Now whenever you watch them you will know eventually the character gives birth to an obnoxious little shit and then dies. Hear that? That's your childhood being raped.

So the basic idea of the movie is the kid wants to save lost animals but doesn't know why. Then a baby panda (aka a person in a really bad panda suit) is kidnapped and Ace Jr's mom is blamed. So he has to save the day. Fair enough right? Makes sense? It's at this point where things get awful, awful to the point where I had to keep rewinding the movie to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was.

Ace Jr's grandfather shows up to take care of him while his mom is in prison after being arrested despite the police having no concrete evidence whatsoever. His grandfather is dressed like Ace Ventura and yes, starts spouting his catch phrases. In about a minute we get 3 or 4 of them "looooooooser," "like a glove," and a couple others. It's even more painful than you are imagining. The actor just sounds fucking confused like he has no idea what the hell he is talking about. It's pathetic.

So JR finds out he is actually part of a line of pet detectives that dates back to Charles Darwin. That's right...Charles Darwin was actually a ventura, and was actually a pet detective. That sound? That's rightful history being raped.

Not long after the movie goes from awful, to "my GOD I would rather eat a baby" awful. See this is where the kid dons the hair, hawaiin shirt, and the rest of the outfit and becomes Ace Ventura JR. I can't even tell you how bad this is. The kid tries so fucking hard to be Jim Carrey that no amount of hands in the world can slap him as much as he needs. The director must have constantly been telling him "Not wacky enough. You have to be so wacky people will want to kill themselves and everyone around them". It worked. I killed 68 people by the time this thing was over.

The trailer for this is on Youtube and it will give you a better idea of how awful this part of the movie is. The one-liners are pathetic, the jokes are baffling they're so bad, and they're so old a baby still in the womb would go "I've heard that one". Plus half of the jokes don't even make sense! For example:

1)There is a girl's swim team where they all wear matching uniforms. Fuckface (that's my new name for Ace JR) sees them and proclaims something like "Holy mauve monday!" That may not be the exact line, but basically he acknowledges they all have the same colour on. Awful, but it gets worse. His next line is "You guys look like a box of crayons." ......what did you just fucking say?

Now I once owned a box of crayons...and it contained many colours. It wasn't the same colour crayon over and over. So the kid acknowledges they are all the same colour, then somehow refers to them as a wide variety of colours?! ....are.....you.....FUCKING WITH ME?! *eats a squirrel*


2)In the same scene no less, Fuckface's dog shows up and he sics them on the swim team. The dog kinda runs at them and they all fall backwards into the pool. Before they fall, Fuckface yells "YOU....ARE....SPARTA!" Did they even see the movie 300?! Or did they just go "There's a line about being sparta or some shit, put that in our script".


3)Every now and then there will just be a fart sound. No character acknowledges it, it doesn't fit into the scene, it just happens. There is just suddenly a fart sound. This happens 3 times that I can remember. I figure it was the editor just saying "fuck this movie!" Or maybe those genius writers were at it again. "Kids think farts are funny, we need more farts. Doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense give me more fucking farts!!" This was another instance where I kept rewinding the film to make sure I heard what I thought I did.

I could go on but I think I made my point. Every joke in this movie either makes no sense, is decades too late (there is a "You can't handle the truth" reference in there which kids won't get and adults will hate) or makes you cringe hearing it. I was embarrased for the people in this movie just watching it.

I touched on it earlier but I feel I need to mention the pandas again. They are so bad...I mean child's halloween costume bad. How did nobody on the crew see these things and go "maybe don't get a shot of this in the daylight...or at all"? Why even show them when they look so laughably horrible?! You can tell us there is a panda there, we'll believe you. You don't really have to show it to us.

This is easily the longest review I've written ever and it could go on. Hell I bet I will add more to it in the coming days as I think of more to write. I would actually recommend people check this out because you haven't seen awful until you've seen this. I knew it would be terrible, but nothing could have ever prepared me for what I got.

- one fucking billion /10