Paul Blart Mall Cop

Ooooooo lord. Anyone who knows me at all knows my almost random hatred for this movie. The previews weren't funny, we had them crammed down our fucking throats for weeks and weeks, the title is painful and then guess what? It makes tons and tons of money. I think that is what really did it for me. It drives me insane when movies like this make crazy amounts of money while other actually good movies make a fraction of it back. 

Movies That Made Less Money Than Paul Blart Mall Cop

Slumdog Millionaire

Pulp Fiction

Fight Club

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Shoot 'Em Up (god I love this movie)

You know what this is making me too angry to even continue on. I don't get it! Who saw that trailer and went "oh my god yes!!!! he's fat and can't function well as a security guard! that is humourous to me!" Actually I do know some people who did that and my apologies to you but COME ON!

After actually seeing the movie, as much as I want to, I can't say this movie was terrible. I was almost hoping it would be the absolute biggest piece of trash ever. But damn it, I can't say that. I also can't say it's a good movie though. It's not. It's not funny really, barely even smile worthy. Hell I remember even rolling my eyes a couple of times. I just can't being myself to hate this one though.

I think a lot of it has to do with Kevin James in the lead role. He's just so damn likable! You just want to give him a hug. The man pulls this movie out of the shitheap and makes it almost tolerable. If you had another person in the lead, I'm guessing I wouldn't be finding it so hard to hate this movie.

In addition to not being terribly funny, the movie also moves really slowly. Despite what the previews make you think, the mall takeover doesn't happen until over halfway through the movie. Then when it happens you just get to see all the jokes that the trailers smashed over your heads. Up until the mall takeover we just follow Paul and learn how big a loser he is. The problem is, we learn that within 30 seconds. The movie just continues to tell us for 45 minutes. Stop it movie. I get it. Oh he can't get the girl? Oh the other mall people pick on him? I DON'T CARE! JUST HAVE HIM FALL DOWN SO I CAN GO HOME!!

The movie really seems to take the character seriously. He even has a slow motion badass walk near the end, set to rock music and everything. It's not even a joke. This is played completely straight. It may have given me the biggest laugh in the movie. Also why does the arcade have a Rock Band set up that doesn't cost anything? How are they making money off of that?! That's just poor business sense right there.

I didn't hate Paul Blart, but I can't ever recommend it. Wait a few months and see the much darker and much funnier looking Observe and Report. Then a year from now when we get the sequel to this thing, I'm gonna find you people who spent money on this thing. Oh I'm gonna find ya.

4.5/10 (just below average)